Why is this happening

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Why is this happening
3
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:36pm
Is this it?? Please assist......

I meet this guy(D) through one of my best friend, I danced with D once in January, and never saw him again, but my friend kept mentioning how much D would like to see me agin. At an unexpected gala, I saw him again in April. I decided to give him my #.

He called me we went out on a few dates, and i notice, my feelings started to get stronger, and we decided to start a relaionship. Even though we both have crazy schedules, where time does not permit for us to hang out as much together, we keeping intouch via ph and email, and there was always something to talk about. When we do spend time together, its the great time. We both realized, we are great friends, and in a relationship, we both have an incrediable awesome time. We are both 25 and independent.

For the past 2 months, he mentioned that his mom- (who did meet me) - single parent since he was only a few months old, does not like the idea, he is dating someone, of my background and religion. I am west indian, and he is white american. His fmaily- uncles, aunts, cousins, forbids him to continue dating me. His mom does not like the idea, he spends time with me, and feels that because of my culture, i am not welcome. Seems like there is always a constant strain from his family, about the choices he is making in his life. They don't live in CT with him, but very dominant in sending the pressure and guilt trip via ph and email.

His work has also been stressfull, and i have been very understanding, not demading much, giving him space when he needs it. I consider myself a good person, very independent, and i just like the idea of spending time with someone I care about. He told me, how much he cares for me, makes me feel so damn good when we are spending time together.

Then he tells me its very hard for him, but its his life and his decision, and his family should learn to accept and he has gone back and forth with this- several times now. Lastnight we went out, with a group of friends, had dinner -it was great. we talked walked around after, i felt i was with my boyfriend. Then he told me, he can't be with me anymore, because of his family, and their expectations of him. I walked NYC for 3 hrs lastnight by myself crying, it hurt so much, i called him, he said its his decison not to be with me, so his family can welcome and accept him. And i will get over it, and the kiss we had after dinner, before the conversation, did not mean a thing.

Help, I just don't know what to do anymore, i tried to be understanding, and there when he needed someone. I am in shock!




Edited 9/22/2004 8:51 pm ET ET by iv_gypsyqueen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:29am
I feel so bad for you, but you have to let him go. If the relationship is as wonderful as you describe, he would be crazy to loose you. Give him the space to realize this. If you pester him, it will only make his decision to stay away from you easier each time you call or show up. Do not let him see you snivel over him, even if you cry a river. If he does not return, he does not deserve you anyway. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:34am
So sorry you have to go through this. Sadly, there is not much you can do. He is going to have to be a man and quit letting his family and everyone else make decisions for him. I went through a similar situation with my family. I am biracial so thankfully I never had any issues like that. But my man is 11 years older than me. (Of course I was grown...) But I went through hell with them trying to break us up.. and like you, he was there for me and was patient and understanding. I went back and forth saying I didn't know if I wanted to be with him because I didn't want to risk the relationship I had with my family over a man you know? But I eventually came to the realization that I loved him, and if my family cared about me at all they would have to accept my decision to be with him. It's my life and noone will live it but ME so I have to make myself happy in the romance department. (or any other department for that matter) We have been married now for four years and my family is completely okay with our relationship. It was a very rough first 2 years and I actually went a while without talking to anyone.

Not too many people could have gone through what I did. It was rough and luckily I had a good man and we are still together, so it wasn't all for nothing.

But you are going to have a tough time if you keep trying to persue this. I mean he is grown and telling you he cares about you but won't be with you because of them? No disrespect or anything, but what kind of a man is he? If he chooses to let them run his life, let him be. Trust me honey it's not worth the heartache, unless he would be willing to stick out the hard times, and believe me they will come if his family is adament about him not being with you! You're better off cutting him loose now unless he gives you some indication that you are more important to him.

good luck and email me if you need to talk hon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:38pm
Thank you all for your comments and reading my post. I am trying to get through, but its so hard, i feel like i got up one morning and he left and i don't really know why, and all he can say is he does not want this anymore.


He himself said we were like best friends- we enjoyed each others company, so we talked about everything, and he would vent to me about his family, and does not understand their point of view, and i would not judge , i would just listen, because i felt he just needed someone to hear him out. I know he was under pressure with work as well.

But- he just does not want to deal with all the pressure he is facing, and told me that i will get over it, and these things happen in a relationship. Last Sunday, he came to a reception with me for my job, and he meet my boss and others. He spent the night at my place, and told me how much he cares, and miss me when i am not around, Monday - wants to meet my parents, on Tuesday night he can't deal with this "our relationship" anymore.

He does not feel he did anything wrong, but just does not want this. Also said, these things happen, we had a moment and that was it, and he has nothing else to say to me.

I just don't get how someone- can look at a relationship like - turning on and off a light switch and think its no big deal. He wrote me cards, telling me, how much his life has change with me, and he enjoys having me in it. I was very cauious when we first started, i liked his company and i was trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but he made it clear then, he would nto hurt me, becuase he cared so much. and i started to let myself go after i felt he was sincere and wanted to be with me.