Why is he doing this????

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Why is he doing this????
2
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:11pm
Me and my husband have been through some tough times. We agreed that when we got married that the past was in the past. I've kept my end of the deal, but he hasn't. He made promises that he has never kept! He is starting to do the same things that caused trouble with us in the past. He is staying out late and doing things without me or not trying to make time for me. He acts like I'm just mad cause I don't get my way. I try to tell him it isn't that I want to do my thing but just be with him! He won't get cell phones with me or if he says yes he says he is still going to keep his Tracfone. I know the only reason is cause there isn't no way for me to see the calls. That is where things have started going bad for us. A couple that we were really good friends with are having trouble and me and her were very good friends. I found out through the phone bill that my husband was talking to her a lot. I asked her about it and she reasured me that nothing was going on and I had nothing to worry about. I was hoping that it would stop but it hasn't. We have had really bad fights over this, and he tells me that I don't trust him and to stay out of his stuff. Why should I trust him!!?? I have asked him in the last few weeks if he had talked to her and he said no, but I have found the phone numbers again and again. I don't want to lose him if this is nothing, but I can't take him lying to me. I try to tell myself that if he lies to me about something that isn't nothing then he will lie about worse things. I don't know how to bring this subject up. Every time I try to talk to him he just goes off about things and says I don't trust him and that he can't take all this stuff anymore. What should I do!??????????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:33pm
He told you to stay out of his stuff? You two are married, there shouldn't be any secrets, or "stuff" that either of you should have to stay out of. The fact that he's talking to your female friend a lot....................I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but it does seem a bit strange. Why are they talking so much? Is she calling him or the other way around? It your friends are having problems, maybe she's just venting to your husband. Do you think your husband and her messing around? Only they know the truth to that. The fact that she told you that you have nothing to worry about, means nothing. She is going to tell you that either way.

I feel like you've caught him doing something, what that something is, I don't know. But, he got angry and defensive about it. If he doesn't come clean about this, I would seriously consider getting out of the marriage. It just seems like he's living his own life, not a life with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:42pm
Why is he doing this? Because it makes him feel good about himself. Because he likes it - her attention, the conversations he shares with her, the emotional intimacy he's sharing with another woman, cheating you out of that sharing. Sounds to me like he's having an emotional affair (if not more).

1) Doesn't spend quailty time with you

2) Stays out late

3) Hides his phone info

4) He says to stay out of his 'stuff' - excuse me, but if I was in your shoes, I would tell him if he wants to ACT single, he may as well be single and I'd show him the door.

Read this, better yet, print it for him and let him read it:

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?


Carrie