WHY is he yelling at me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
WHY is he yelling at me?
9
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 8:47pm

My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years. We have been engaged for approximately 6 months now. Yesterday, my younger brother asked me to go to AA with him. Long story short, Matthew (my younger brother) has been on again off again asking for help and he usually asks me. I have a hard time with this for so many reasons. So, I got a message from Matthew asking for my help. I immediately started crying and my fiance, Keith, looked at my phone and came over to hold me. It was sweet. After a few minutes I took my phone and said I was going to call my brother. This is when it started:

Keith gently pushed my phone down and said I should wait until I was calmer. I said I was fine and I was going to call my brother. He said again that I should wait. I took my phone and he asked me to wait an hour before calling.

I walked into the other room and called. I was talking to Matthew trying to figure out the situation (why he made this decision now, why he wanted me to go with him) and I was telling him I really wanted him to think about the decision. As soon as I finished the sentence, Keith (fiance) popped into the bedroom, waving his hands, telling me I shouldn't ask Matt this, I should just be supportive. I told him I was all set and continued talking. I turned around a moment later and Keith was telling me again what I needed to say to be supportive. I held my hand over the phone and told him I needed to talk to my brother. Keith went into the other room.

Later on in the day we went food shopping. On the trip home I said to Keith that perhaps his brother, Johnny (a recovering alcohol, working his program and doing great) could shed some light on how to help Matthew. Keith mentioned that he needed to call Johnny later and perhaps I could talk to him then. I said I wasn't sure I was comfortable and I would think about it. Keith said again it would be a good idea. Again, I said I would think about it. As we were walking in the house, he said "I really think you should just talk to him" I responded "okay." I thought my response was clear: OKAY, END OF THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION.

20 minutes later Keith was on the phone with Johnny and as he was wrapping up the conversation, he said "Also, Kati wants to talk to you about her brother" and continued to carry on about the situation. He got off the phone and said "Johnny's going to call back later to talk to you" I explained that I wish he would respect my decision to hold off. Keith said he was sorry and thought I wanted to talk to him. A little later, I was crying yet again. Keith was holding me and said "just cry". I was weeping a little. He said again "just let it out, just cry" and I pulled back and said "I don't want to cry..." and he pulled my against him again and said "just let your emotions out" so I said "I just dont want to" and he said ..."why" so I pulled back and snapped "just stop pushing".

It was at this point where he started screaming at me saying how he couldn't believe I could say that to him. How the term "pushing" insinuated I was "accusing" him of doing something awful. How all day long he was just trying to help and he couldn't believe I would talk to him that way.

Usually, Keith isn't so pushy about things. But he felt SO controlling and like he couldn't let anything go. He has a long family history with Alcoholism but I feel like he was trying to control my conversation as well as my emotions. I just wanted to feel what I was feeling - not be forced to cry, told how to speak to my brother or, forced to talk to someone I wasn't really comfortable with. He pushed so hard and, emotions running high and all, I snapped at him. I did not yell or scream, I snapped. I raised my voice. He flipped out. He started to pick things up and throw them around the house. Tissue boxes, clothing - nothing breakable but he was still really upset. So as I'm crying in the kitchen, he walks out. I couldn't believe it. Isn't the point of being there for someone, to really be there for them, not just when it's convenient for you.

He came home calmer about 30 minutes later. He apologized for walking out. As soon as I defended my actions he flipped out again. He kept screaming "I'M SUCH A F*****G A*HOLE FOR TRYING TO HELP AND BE NICE..." he kept screaming things like this at me. Then... he slapped himself across the face. This is the point where he locked himself in the bathroom. I was so calm. I talked to him through the bathroom door trying to explain my frustrations. He kept asking me if it was "okay to talk to him like that" (meaning me saying: stop pushing) I told him I was so sorry for snapping but at the same time, I didnt think there was anything wrong with what I had said. I was being honest. It just kept escalating. Later on, I tried to explain myself. I kept saying how much I had appreciated his support all day long, but I felt suffocated and uncomfortable a few times and it just became too much. When I had finished he said he couldn't believe me. He had done so much throughout the day.

I walked away and I said I couldn't communicate with him and it was really making me mad. He said how dare I walk away. I yelled at him and he told me he hated me. And that I was selfish. He kept egging me on so I pushed him into the closet and told him he was making me crazy. The fight ended with him leaving again. I didn't think he was going to come home and he did. When we laid down in bed I cuddled behind him and held him for a minute. He said he wasn't ready - he was still mad. So I left him alone. In the morning, for the first time, he left without saying anything. I talked to him on the phone after work and he said he wasn't coming home. So I said I would leave. And now I am staying with my girlfriend. I am so mad. I am so hurt. I will never forgive him for telling me he hated me. Or for making this whole thing about him.

I couldn't get in to see a therapist today - I know this was really long but I am honestly so lost. I just need some sound advice. Please. Anyone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 10:50pm

kk, I'm so sorry to tell you this... Because you are NOT the only woman who has ever gone through this during an engagement, but: THANK GOD YOU FOUND OUT BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM.

HE IS A CONTROLLER.

You may have been together for 3 years and know one another very well. But, it is VERY often that a man's inner Controller does not come out until he has locked a woman in with him for life. It's as if a subconscious voice inside them says "she's stuck with me no matter what I do".

DO NOT MARRY. TAKE RING OFF. WALK AWAY. I do not believe that counseling will fix this. I honestly, truly believe that you discovered something dark and dirty about this guy and it's a blessing that it happened before you said "I do". I know how hard it is to see the person you love acting like someone totally different.

I knew you wouldn't want to hear this but you have no idea how many women write in to these boards saying "my husband/fiancée became completely controlling after we got married/engaged" and now need to exit their relationships.

Please for your own sake end this relationship.




Edited 10/9/2008 10:50 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 4:04am

Welcome to the board kk.mcbride,


Is this the first time he's reacted this way?


I can see the control part and the anger issues and him blaming you, but at the same time, I can see that at the beginning he was trying to do what most guys do 'fix things' by trying to solve the problem, offering help, making suggestions on what to say to your brother and to talk to his brother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 11:02am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 12:04pm

I can see your side of things, but I can also see his. He over-reacted to the situation, but I can see why he got upset. He was trying to make things easier on you and wasn't aware that you thought he was being pushy. If you said "okay" after he just asked you if you'd speak to his brother, then that sounds like you're agreeing to it. Here's where I think the real kicker is. When he was trying to comfort you and you pulled away, his feelings were hurt. Deep down men are like little boys who want to be loved and appreciated. I can understand why you pulled away. However from his point of view, you were rejecting his love and affection, you were saying you didn't love him or want him. In that one instance, he felt you were rejecting him and got deeply hurt. After that, you were both just tense and things just escalated.

A lot of his behavior was over-the-top for an argument, even a heated one. If he grew up in a house where alcoholism was prevalent, then he probably picked up much of that from growing up in that type of environment. In a dysfunctional family environment, you see that type of behavior being modeled for you all the time, and sometimes have to resort to using it yourself in order to survive. This was most likely parts of his childhood coming back.

He'll calm down from all of this eventually and want you back. I think pre-marital counseling is a really good idea. It's useful for all couples anyway. It sounds like it could help him with not repeating the patterns he saw in his own family growing up, and it could help both with you with learning to communicate and understand one another better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 4:54pm

This isn't the first time he has done something like this. The beginning of our relationship was never like this. Fights and disagreements happened but he never got this scary. It feels like 50% of people's advice is to work through it and 50% is to end it. I'm not sure to do.

I have never lost sight of what Keith was trying to do in the beginning. I know who he is and I know he's always trying to fix things. Most of the time, it's what I love about him the most. But this time, it was too much. He wasn't offering help, he was forcing it upon me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 5:24pm

I'm sure the advice to stay and work it out is based on this being a 'one time event' but you said this wasn't the first time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 11:24pm
There is a difference between providing feedback and controlling. This guy is controlling. He shouldnt push when you say no - repeating himself over and over until you relent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 7:55pm

Hi, KK.


 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 8:48pm

Both of you overreacted