I have no issue with porn, as my boyfriend and I both watch it (separately and privately). I consider myself an extremely laid-back and trusting girlfriend. However, if I knew he was going to 'porn sites' where there were local women wanting to be contacted, AND had multiple private email accounts, well, I'd hit the roof.
In my mind, porn is something you turn on when you're aroused and turn off after you're done. I don't even really have a problem with cyber sex or phone sex, so long as it's completely anonymous (I know, see? I told you I was really laid back!). But when it gets into talking to people locally, or exchanging email addresses and so on, that is highly suspect. I realize that people have different kinks and such. One of his could be knowing he COULD meet these girls if he wanted. That might make it 'hotter,' I don't know. I'm not making excuses, just giving a possible reason. Either way, I, personally, would not stand for it. It's just WAY too risky.
Email is a private matter. I have never felt the need to check my boyfriend's email, but I would be horrified to learn he had a whole other account he never said anything about.
Basically, what he's doing is shady and unless he was born yesterday, he knows it too.
"I can handle the porn but the sites list local woman in various stages of nudety and wanting to be contacted. " This is common and I see it on a lot of non-porn sites. They aren't real women, just pictures. It's an advertisement for a dating site that grabs your location from your IP address and then assigns a random girl's picture to: "22/f in Buffalo, NY" or whatever.
Could the Email addresses possibly be just for signing up for porn sites and collecting all the spam that comes with it?
Well, totally aside from the red flags you're talking about (that he has cheated before and is looking at local women), just because you allow him full access to your personal email accounts, doesn't mean that's how he operates. You have a joint email account. Okay. But what's wrong with him having his own personal email account as well? In my opinion, just because you are married, it doesn't mean you have access to every single nook and cranny of one another's lives.
HOWEVER. Putting it all together: he's cheated, he's changing his behavior, etc. etc. Yes, I think you have cause for concern. But also, touching on what eggbert said, you might want to visit those porn sites and check out what happens when you click on the "local" women. I see them, but have never clicked.
"I do not have any accounts that I kept secretive from him nor hid a password from him and because he's doing that too me it hurts like a son of a gun.
Due to many marital issues and both of us having our own very separate point of view we have a marriage on the rocks and intimacy is not a common factor (for me, I've been too hurt by past actions for him, its my lack of wanting intimacy that causes the aforementioned infractions).
The real issue here is stated in the beginning of your email, saying that you cannot forgive him for past actions and no longer want intimacy. Of course if you no longer want intimacy this situation will drive him to fill his needs in other ways. The real problem needs to be worked on if this marriage is to be saved. The two of you need to get to a marriage counsellor and deal with the issues that have not been forgiven and worked through. You two need to get your intimacy back - otherwise, of course, he will look for other ways to find fulfillment.
"Due to many marital issues and both of us having our own very separate point of view we have a marriage on the rocks and intimacy is not a common factor (for me, I've been too hurt by past actions for him, its my lack of wanting intimacy that causes the aforementioned infractions).
Do you think you can take a step back, think about what it is you want to say and then try this one over again? I have absolutely no idea of what this is supposed to mean."
If you put a period after "actions," it makes perfect sense.
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I have no issue with porn, as my boyfriend and I both watch it (separately and privately). I consider myself an extremely laid-back and trusting girlfriend. However, if I knew he was going to 'porn sites' where there were local women wanting to be contacted, AND had multiple private email accounts, well, I'd hit the roof.
In my mind, porn is something you turn on when you're aroused and turn off after you're done. I don't even really have a problem with cyber sex or phone sex, so long as it's completely anonymous (I know, see? I told you I was really laid back!). But when it gets into talking to people locally, or exchanging email addresses and so on, that is highly suspect. I realize that people have different kinks and such. One of his could be knowing he COULD meet these girls if he wanted. That might make it 'hotter,' I don't know. I'm not making excuses, just giving a possible reason. Either way, I, personally, would not stand for it. It's just WAY too risky.
Email is a private matter. I have never felt the need to check my boyfriend's email, but I would be horrified to learn he had a whole other account he never said anything about.
Basically, what he's doing is shady and unless he was born yesterday, he knows it too.
Thank you for the reply.
"I can handle the porn but the sites list local woman in various stages of nudety and wanting to be contacted. "
This is common and I see it on a lot of non-porn sites. They aren't real women, just pictures. It's an advertisement for a dating site that grabs your location from your IP address and then assigns a random girl's picture to: "22/f in Buffalo, NY" or whatever.
Could the Email addresses possibly be just for signing up for porn sites and collecting all the spam that comes with it?
Well, totally aside from the red flags you're talking about (that he has cheated before and is looking at local women), just because you allow him full access to your personal email accounts, doesn't mean that's how he operates. You have a joint email account. Okay. But what's wrong with him having his own personal email account as well? In my opinion, just because you are married, it doesn't mean you have access to every single nook and cranny of one another's lives.
HOWEVER. Putting it all together: he's cheated, he's changing his behavior, etc. etc. Yes, I think you have cause for concern. But also, touching on what eggbert said, you might want to visit those porn sites and check out what happens when you click on the "local" women. I see them, but have never clicked.
"I do not have any accounts that I kept secretive from him nor hid a password from him and because he's doing that too me it hurts like a son of a gun.
Not much matters anymore.
Due to many marital issues and both of us having our own very separate point of view we have a marriage on the rocks and intimacy is not a common factor (for me, I've been too hurt by past actions for him, its my lack of wanting intimacy that causes the aforementioned infractions).
The real issue here is stated in the beginning of your email, saying that you cannot forgive him for past actions and no longer want intimacy. Of course if you no longer want intimacy this situation will drive him to fill his needs in other ways. The real problem needs to be worked on if this marriage is to be saved. The two of you need to get to a marriage counsellor and deal with the issues that have not been forgiven and worked through. You two need to get your intimacy back - otherwise, of course, he will look for other ways to find fulfillment.
Best wishes,
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"Due to many marital issues and both of us having our own very separate point of view we have a marriage on the rocks and intimacy is not a common factor (for me, I've been too hurt by past actions for him, its my lack of wanting intimacy that causes the aforementioned infractions).
Do you think you can take a step back, think about what it is you want to say and then try this one over again? I have absolutely no idea of what this is supposed to mean."
If you put a period after "actions," it makes perfect sense.
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