Why is porn so important...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Why is porn so important...
5
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:38am
I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now, but just recently I've found out about him watching porn and such. He's lied to me on several occassions about it, but apparently he thinks I'm an idiot because I keep finding out about it (clearing cookies and history on the PC). I talk to him about it and he knows how much it hurts me (if I were good enough and attractive enough for him, he wouldn't need this!) but he still does it regardless. Knowing he does it brings my self esteem down so much but he keeps doing it. Why does he do this?! What do I have to do? Do I have to look like those girls before I can have his attention? I'm pulling my hair out here..I don't know what to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:36am

The first thing to ask is - are you against porn or against your BF watching porn without you?

::Knowing he does it brings my self esteem down so much but he keeps doing it.

If he were to "look" at a woman on the beach - does this do anything to your self-esteem... I am talking about a woman in very little of a swim suit. I know how the beaches in WI here are and many women even though gorgeous for some reason feel wearing a one-piece suit is best.

::Why does he do this?! What do I have to do? Do I have to look like those girls before I can have his attention?

As far as if you have to look like them - NO!! If he truly loves you for YOU then how you look in comparison to the women he can not have in the porn does not compare. After being together for 4 yrs - how is your sex life - has it stayed the same, gotten worse, or maybe gotten better...

You and your BF need to talk. I was in a relationship, married for 12 yrs, and found that after a period of time the small amount of sex we had just drove me nuts inside -- especially when we went to our friends house and they were always just getting done doing it -- I am not exaggerating either. I envied that and wished we had been like that... But that was not who she was/is. Now that I have been divorced, I have found that intamcy and sex are critical parts of my life and need in a relationship. Maybe you need to evaluate with your BF where each of your needs are too...

BUT you NEED to ASK your BF and your questions - you NEED him to be honest and you need to be honest with him... Have you ever suggested watching porn with him -- maybe the two of you go to a video store and rent a porn movie together... something that is not HARD PORN that you might not like but still something you both would enjoy.

I know my GF and I go together to get movies. She is not against porn -- BUT she would be against me watching it / trying to hide it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 1:21pm

Welcome to the board ilovemyboyfriend,


Is his porn watching effecting your sex life? Is he using porn instead of sharing sexual intimacy with you? If so, there is a problem.


::Why is porn so important...


If he's got an addiction to porn, then it's not you and there is nothing you can do to change the situation, unless he's willing to get help with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:53pm

Its not affecting our sex life..we're fine in that department. I've spoken to him about it, and he only does it a couple of times a week, if even that, and I believe him. He's not obsessed and it doesn't rule his life, but I still don't understand why he does it. I guess its one of those things that I'll never know..I know he loves me and we have a strong relationship, but I feel bad knowing I'm not the only girl on his mind. I guess I'm pretty selfish for wanting to be..

I think the biggest problem with it is that I found out about it. I wasn't meant to, so it upset me. I don't care that he does it, because it isn't hurting our sex life or anything like that, but I just don't want to know about it.. Now that I DO know about it, I can't help but wonder.

Thanks for your help guys, I guess this is just something that will take some time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:11pm

First of all it's not even remotely selfish of you to want your boyfriend to share his sexual energy and desire with only you - read Greg Baers' Real Love, read John Grays's Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, read Barbara DeAngelis' Keeping Love Alive (not sure on this title). They all say the same thing - porn is NOT good for your relationship. Read studies by Zillman and Bryant on porn, again not good - not okay - very damaging.

I can tell you from experience time does not heal the wound, especially when you are dealing with a man who is not respecting your feelings. The most damaging thing you can do to yourself here is assume you should be able to handle it despite the fact that it is hurting your self-esteem. You think you're not good enough because study after study shows the more men engage in porn and objectifying women the less satisfied they are with what they have (Kenrick and Gutierres, among others)

You have the right to set boundaries where you feel safe and valued. If he's not respecting your feelings in this how can you expect him to honor you in other areas? Why should your feelings, wants, needs or desires be less valuable than something he could easily do without?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:19am

It looks to me like you think he has an emotional investment in his perusal of porn. If he's like most guys I know, it's nothing like that at all as it's purely physical to them, the act, the positions and of course, the close-ups and the money shots.

Now guys like to masturbate, almost every guy I know (that will discuss these things, not many) does so everyday. Some even when they've had sex that day. Sadly, many guys tend to covet their masturbation habits and this can lead to suspicion and resentment.

I'm a gen-x'r and when I was growing up, people didn't discuss masturbation like they do today. When it was talked about it was usually in the context of a joke or used as a means of teasing and hassling a guy because 'he couldn't get the real thing' and then you have a myriad of parents for a myriad of reasons make their own children ashamed for doing it.

I don't mean to say this excuses lying, only my take on why a lot of guys have problems sharing their masturbation habits with their partners.