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| Wed, 01-09-2008 - 2:29am |
Hello -
I have a relationship dilemma that's ruining us. My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2.5 years. For the most part everything is great, however lately we seem to be stuck in a circle. Our sex life has really waned. I realize now that I probably ruined it. I can't sleep in the same bed as him because of his incredibly loud snoring. I also stay up late and he does not - I know so many nights when he'd ask me to come to bed and I'd say "in a minute" then just never go. I knew I couldn't fall asleep with his snores, and I didn't like the habit he'd taken on of bringing me to bed with him, having sex, then falling alseep immediately after (even when the sex was 2 minutes and I got nothing out of it).
So I slept in one bed and he in the other. We would still have sex (not the mediocre sleepy sex). But lately we have no sex. Nothing. And here's where the circle begins. I get upset at his lack of affection/sex and try to talk to him about it. He gets annoyed and says he doesn't want to talk about it right now (but it turns out "right now" is all of the time, for there is never a time when he wants to talk aobut issues). Then I get more upset and wonder why we're even together. I feel like I never get to talk about how I feel, like I'm alone. I get compliments and looks from men, it seems they see something he no longer does. This frustrates me.
I recall recently receiving a compliment from a manager at a store and not even believing it. I thought my parent's, who were there at the time, had put this guy up to it to make me feel better. But no, it was genuine. My mother said to me, "see what he's done to you? you don't even realize anything positive about yourself anymore". Which is true. I used to have so much confidence and was independent and happy. But it's slowly eroded away because on a daily basis I hear negative things from my boyfriend. I've even jokingly taken to calling him "Mr. Downer" because he just brings me down. He just replies, "I'm not Mr. Downer", and goes back to watching t.v. If I try to cuddle, he tells me he doesn't want to. If I'm playful, he tells me I'm annoying, or says "that's enough". I feel like he doesn't love me and his negativity is incredibly hurtful. However, if I do my own thing he constantly comes in to see what I'm doing and ask me to come watch t.v with him - it's so confusing. He wants me to sit by him and watch t.v.?
I've spoken with him about this, and he swears over and over that he does love me, and he does find me physically beautiful. But his actions don't match. He told me that when I get upset or make a big deal out of him not being affectionate it makes him angry, which in turn makes him not want to have sex with me. So it's like a vicious cycle that I guess I keep perpetuating, even though I only want to repair things. I feel like a nagger and like I'm ruining our relationship. He tells me I make a big deal out of nothing. In turn I find myself not wanting sex with him because I just don't feel any closeness. Maybe that's what he feels as well. How do I change my relationship back from the roommate status it has become?

'even when the sex was 2 minutes and I got nothing out of it).'
Have you spoken to him about this? Mybe if the sex is better for you and you spend time cuddling after then you wouldn't resent him so much for snoring and having to sleep in another bed. Has he spoken to a Dr. about this?
I'm not completely sure what's going on here except for the blinding fact that you guys do not communicate well, and are quite likely incompatible from what you've posted.
~Kristi
Welcome to the board thatswhatsup,
Why do you want to be with someone that is always putting you down?
It seems that your lack of communication has almost completely ruined your relationship. I would tell him that you are going to talk about things and get some things fixed or you are going to have to leave. You can't keep going on not talking about your problems or they will never get fixed and only get worse.
glitter-graphics.com
It takes two to want to make a relationship romantic and fulfilling. It really doesn't sound as if he's there. The real question here is what in the world are you doing with him? He can say he loves you forever, but his actions say something quite different. He is being negative, depriving and treating you without respect. When he blames you for his own anger and problems, that is just part of the abuse and part of his unwillingness to face what's really going on and who he is. Your mother is quite right - being in a relationship like this can do real damage to your self esteem, and have many negative consequences. What are you getting out of this situation except pain? Ask yourself why in the world you are still there? Even if you don't feel good about yourself now or feel you can attract someone, once you get away from him and his negativity that can change.
If you can't see this on your own or feel as if you can't leave, I suggest you go see a therapist to give you the help and support you need in making a healthy choice for your life.
Best wishes,
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Hi everyone - thank you so much for your replies. It helps to see it from other perspectives. And to answer a previous question, no I don't whine when I try to talk about it. I'll approach him not in any way to make him defensive or angry. He's just one of those guys who doesn't want to talk about anything serious or any problems. He just has no patience to acknowledge and discuss issues - this includes our relationship as well as any other things that come up. He'll come home and say how he and his boss got into an argument, and when I ask what happened, he just doesn't want to talk about it. Kind of like "if I ignore unpleasant things they'll disappear". For instance he has a bill collector after him for $30.00, which really isn't a lot of money, yet he still hasn't paid it off(it's been a year). It's like e just doesn't want to deal with it.
Tonight his best friend came over and as the 3 of us were talking, it became apparent that I was a source of humor. They do it very underhandedly but it's still obvious. At one point we were joking about baby names and I said, "Hey babe, if we ever have a child.." To which he jerked his eyebrows up, started laughing hysterically, and looked at his friend, who was also laughing. I hadn't even gotten to the "we should name it (insert funny name here)" part. I don't know what the deal is. This particular friend can be a jerk, and my bf seems to join him in this behavior towards me. I always attributed this behavior to the fact that they're guys and they've known each other forever, so.. It's immature. When we first started dating he always needed to get all of the attention from his friends, none to me. If they did talk to me he'd interrupt often and our conversations would end. I feel like maybe this is what's going on now. Another of his friends was over the night before last, and he is a nice funny guy. He and his girlfriend come over a lot, or we all go out together. This friend used to be a jerk as well, but over time I guess he's gotten to know me, whereas before his opinion was based on what my bf told him during one of his angry fits. Anytime said friend and I would talk last night, my boyfriend would pull the same interrupting thing. If we waited for him to finish and then resumed our conversation, he'd interrupt again and again. His friend seems annoyed by this so makes a point of always resuming the conversation, kind of like teaching a child not to interrupt.
He's always been a "downer". It was subtle at first. I was in college and he would get angry if I wanted to study for an exam. When I graduated, his response was a mediocre "that's nice - now we can spend more time together" - not the response I got from everyone else. When I talk about maybe going to law school he is negative about it. If it were me I'd be supportive and happy for him, but he seems to not like me to better myself. I recently started aerobics classes at a local university and that bothers him too. He says "you're not going to go work out again, are you?" It's just the opposite of my family, who think it's great since I'm not one to exercise. I come home happy and h asks how it went, and when I start relating anecdotes he stops listening after 30 seconds. My step-mom said to me once "I don't think he wants you to better yourself because it threatens him." He dropped out of college, which isn't an issue for me, but he's touchy about it. I don't know what his deal is - I got a raise this year and when I told him, happy as can be because it made expenses easier for us to handle, he harped on the fact that I got a raise, and how he wants one, and his congratulations were "that's great baby" spoken in an almost jealous tone.
I don' even know where I'm going with this novel, just trying to figure him out. I guess I want to know if he just isn't in to me anymore or if he's just immature. This is his first real relationship, (we are both 28, by the way) and he's not good with talking about feelings, etc. So please any opinions on if he isn't in love with me anymore or if he's just inexperienced?
>>My step-mom said to me once "I don't think he wants you to better yourself because it threatens him."
I see that, too. And that's a scary thing, because the right person for you wants you to be the best person you can be.
I know your question is "does he still love me or is he just inexperienced?" but really, does it matter? He's kind of a jerk and you don't bring out the best in one another. I'm not sure why his feelings get to make a difference.
Thanks for posting...it really clarified things.
~Kristi