Why would I want this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
Why would I want this?
3
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:45pm

Hang on folks! This is long but I’m sure you’ll be entertained.

I’m 49. I was married for 29 years. My ex-wife decided that we had grown too far apart, and left! I got screwed over in the divorce. I got to pay all the expenses, her lawyer fees, her moving costs, and a shopping spree before she left town. I had to buy out her interest in the house by taking out a second mortgage to pay off her credit cards and vehicle. At least she was denied alimony. The whole point of this is to tell you that I make good money but am financially strapped. After paying all my bills I had about $200 a month left over. I had managed to put away about $2000 in savings when I met my new SO (KC). This was the last week of September.

KC is 44, been divorced for ten years, and has a 16-year-old ADHD daughter(W). KC and W were living with her mother (J), working as a waitress when we met. The week after we meet her J leases KC a one-bedroom apartment. (I did tell KC at that time that I wished I had known her longer, that I may have asked her to move in with me). They have a dog that her J neglected to tell management about. They were going to kick KC out of the apartment if a $350 pet deposit wasn’t paid. I agreed to pay the pet deposit so she could stay in the apartment.

The physical chemistry was incredible (still is). About three weeks into the relationship I ask KC to be exclusive. This whole time we’re seeing each other every available moment. I noticed that KC never spends a dime of her money on any of our dates, expects me to pay for everything. I rationalized that being a single mother living on waitress pay she didn’t have any money.

When KC’s first month’s rent is due, she asks me to pay. She says that boyfriends are supposed to pay all their girlfriends living expenses! I tell her she’s crazy, that if boyfriends were expected to pay all their girlfriends living expenses there wouldn’t be any dating until the man wanted to get married. She insists that that’s the way it’s supposed to be. In the end I crumble and end up paying her rent and utilities.

Over the next couple of weeks KC quits her job and she and her daughter stop going to their apartment and stay at my house. (I know – I let her rush things. I knew better but it felt right at the time. Berate my all you want for that, I deserve it.) I try to talk her into talking to management at the apartment, about subletting or letting her out of the lease. She doesn’t talk to management or move anything into my house. Just procrastinates. In the mean time I’m still paying her rent and utilities.

I catch her daughter in my bedroom going through my dresser drawers. When I ask her what she’s doing in my bedroom, she smarts off that she’s looking for my porn. I tell her I don’t have any (I don’t) and to stay out of my bedroom. Later that day my girlfriend tells me I need to find another place to hide my condoms, I shouldn’t have them someplace her daughter can find them. KC tells me I shouldn’t have told W to stay out of my room, she wasn’t hurting anything. KC also confronts me about drafts for my blog that her daughter found on my computer and my Myspace page. The blogs are my views on fidelity, marriage etc. She insists that I take down my Myspace page. In her opinion the only reason a man has internet access is for porn and dating, and Myspace is a dating website, I’m now in a relationship and shouldn’t have it. I erase the blog but keep the Myspace page. This is a continual bone of contention.

One evening, one of KC’s girlfriends calls to tell KC that she and her husband saw me at a local club the night before with another woman. I remind her I was at home with KC and W that night. Several weeks later we go out with this couple, and he gets drunk and repeats the story that he saw me at this club with another woman (and he knows the woman!). KC believes him! (After all she’s known him for years. Drunks don’t lie. Why would he lie?) Her twisted logic is that I must have done the deed. All men cheat. If I deny doing it, this is proof that I did it! (Because cheaters lie.) I tell her to get the woman’s number, call her saying she was interested in dating me. Ask her how the date went. She refuses of course. That would make her look like a nut case. It blows over.

KC doesn’t want W to change schools so I end up taking W to and from. W insists upon McDonalds every day after school. If I refuse it’s “Oh God its only $8!” and she makes the rest of the day miserable. W won’t eat anything I cook, only prepackaged foods. In 1 year I never saw her eat a vegetable. W misses several days of school because she’s too sick and tired to go. W sleeps till at least noon on weekends, often till 3 or 5 PM. If I make too much noise, cleaning house W screams from her bed to keep quiet she’s trying to sleep. I come home early one night and find W scurrying to bed; she’s been up all night on the computer! I password protect the computer. KC insists I should have discussed it with her before doing anything. Tells me I’m being a jerk. I obviously hate W.

Sometime later I’m looking for a DVD I had just bought. I find it and about 20 others in W’s room. I take my DVD’s and put them back in my collection. When W returns from school, she throws a fit! Wants to know what happened to “her” DVD’s. Tells me that I was invading her privacy by going into her room! I tell her she has no privacy in my house. KC tells me to stay out of W’s room. KC suggests we go to a counselor she know, I agree. We all go to see the counselor. The counselor tells W she shouldn’t be hitting KC. This counselor tells me that KC and I have different parenting styles, and that I should let KC handle W, let W do what she wants. I should do my housework when it doesn’t bother anyone else in the house. I refuse to go see this counselor again.

Now KC’s only income is the child support her ex-husband pays and food stamps. For some reason she doesn’t cash her last three paychecks. Just lets them go stale. I buy her and her daughter some clothes, jewelry etc… because they have virtually nothing. KC and W had been getting all their clothes from the church before we met. Now that they are living with me all clothes must come from Dillards, Ambercrombie & Fitch, Hollister etc. I pay to have her and her daughter’s hair and nails done and buy them both Christmas party outfits complete with jewelry. (KC���s for my corporate Christmas party, W’s for a school dance).

Christmas time KC asks me how much I’m going to give her to spend. I explain that I don’t have any money left; I’ve spent all I had on her. I only have about $100 credit left on my card. I take her to buy the hair care products and makeup she needs. She tells me she can’t believe I’m going to make her spend her own money for Christmas. I tell her “the only reason you have any money is because I’ve been paying all your bills”(she has $900). She buys me a DVD player, a shirt and a pair of pants for Christmas and spends most of the rest on herself and her daughter.

Her extreme jealousy drove me crazy. Christmas Day J comes to my house to exchange gifts even though she’s not feeling well. She gets chilled and winds up lying on the couch under a blanket. We’re talking so I go to sit on the floor by the couch so I can hear her. KC comes into the room and motions me back to the chair I had been sitting in. When her J leaves KC gives me what for, FOR HITTING ON HER MOTHER! I’m not allowed to speak to any female I’m not related too, especially if they’re single. KC insists that I delete all female names from my cell phone even my lawyers. Any man that speaks to me that I don’t work with, must be gay. All my neighbors are single females between the ages 50 to 83. The two that are 75 plus she doesn’t seem to have a problem with me talking to. Any conversation other than “Good Morning” or “Hello” to any neighbor under age 75 is an extended conversation, and I should not be having extended conversations with single women.

For the next couple of months I find myself paying the rent and utilities for an apartment she’s not using, KC does donate $400 to the cause one month when I don’t have the funds. I cash in an insurance policy to pay for last few months. When the lease is up we finally move her stuff to my house. In the meantime KC and W are living at my house and I’m doing everything, all the cooking, laundry and housekeeping. KC is on Depakote for panic attacks and does virtually nothing but sleep and watch TV.

Six weeks after her apartment lease is up she loses her food stamps because she won’t go to a job-seeking meeting. She rationalizes that I make too much for her to qualify for the food stamps. Now I am paying for everything, and giving her $60 every two weeks for spending money. She has an outstanding electric bill from 3 years ago, a credit card she owes $700 on, and has a fine of $275 from the state for letting her auto insurance lapse. I agree to pay the electric bill just to get the lawyer off her back. Creditors start calling the house almost every hour. I tell her I’m not responsible for her debts from before we met and won’t pay them. Of course she thinks I’m wrong, “if I loved her I would want to fix her credit”. In fact she thinks I should sell my house and buy another putting her name on the loan. She feels I should withdraw money from my 401K to buy her a new SUV and a nice engagement ring. She also thinks I should make her (not my daughters) the beneficiary of my insurance policies, 401K, etc. I refuse to do any of this.

It’s April her ex-husband has not paid any child support since December and her auto registration is due and her license has expired. She asks if I’ll loan her the money to pay the fine to the state so she can continue to drive, I agree to the loan for the fine, and pay for her auto registration and license.

May she finally gets some child support money (her ex.’s income tax return). I ask her to repay the loan for the fine to the state. She says, “I didn’t know it was a loan. I need the money for my daughter. You should want to pay”. She pays me nothing.
I get PO’ed and tell her it’s not fair to expect me to pay for everything and do everything around the house, the least she could do is keep house. She asks me which century I was born in, that I should expect her to do housework. Nevertheless she starts doing the laundry, and occasionally cleans the kitchen. She expects my thanks for doing the laundry and every time she cleans the kitchen.

June her daughter is out of school and gets a job at the local waterpark. My girlfriend informs me I need to double her allowance so she can give her daughter a ride to and from work or I need to take her daughter in my vehicle. When I tell her I can’t afford this she tells me to just go to the bank and get more money. I suggest she get some money from her daughter for gas, she refuses. Her daughters income is hers to spend and parents are supposed to pay for the child’s transportation. But she won’t touch the child support money she’s getting. She needs it to put her daughter in Drivers Ed and to buy her a car.

I finally get fed up with the sloth, filth, jealousy and the expectations that I pay for everything. I blow up! I tell KC to get herself and W out of my house. She tells me she’s been there for almost a year and she has rights! If anyone is leaving it’s me! If I get ticked off I should go check into a hotel till I get over it. But she’s not leaving. I remind her that this is not a common law state, and that she is little more than a guest in my house. W calls the police on her cell phone because she’s afraid I’ll beat KC like past boyfriends. KC takes W’s phone away before she can give an address. I call the police. The police come and tell KC to take what she needs. She must leave.

The next week KC and W are living with J again. W’s dog gets sick and KC asks me for help. I give her $60 against the vet bill. I think I’m being generous, after all as far as I’m concerned we’re over. The next day KC calls to remind me that I haven’t given her any cash this week for spending money. KC tells me she needs it; I should give it to her. J calls and tells me “KC was in an apartment when you met. You should put her in another if you kick her out.” I remind her; my name was not on the lease for the apartment, if I hadn’t paid for it, it wasn’t me the collectors would have come after. Of course in her opinion I’m being a total A**hole about this. KC tells me I have “issues” with women after my divorce, and don’t know how to treat a woman. Tells me that after I get counseling for my anger problems she’ll be back. Refuses to return the key to my house.

How do I get her stuff out of my house? How do I end this? As far as KC is concerned it’s not over until she says it’s over, one of her virtues is she’s not a quitter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 2:31pm
Oh my gosh are you a nice guy. You need to get away from her...far away. Do you really need the key back. Just change the locks. I would pack all her stuff up and take it to where she is staying now. I would not speak to her any longer. She sounds like bad news. You have done enough for her already. She will keep milking you if you speak to her. Some women have a way about them. I wish I had that way about me....get a man to pay my house payment etc... I am sorry you have to go through all this. I would just cut my ties and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 4:10pm

Simple.

Give her 48 hours notice. Tell her that any of her stuff that is still in YOUR house in 48 hours gets thrown out on the sidewalk. If it's not out, change the locks and then throw it out.

This woman is milking you for all she can. No woman, no matter how good the "chemistry", is worth this kind of trouble.

Ask yourself one simple question - where you happier without her? If the answer is "yes", then you need to return to that state, ASAP. She doesn't have any kind of "squatters rights" to your place.

TTBO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:32am

I would go down to Uhaul and buy some moving boxes.

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