Wife hates mom - desperate situation
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| Sat, 10-02-2004 - 10:50am |
Quick background.
Mom is very Catholic and opinionated.
Wife is stubborn, remembers *everything* and doesn't see the value of religion.
We moved in before getting married - angered mom - led to some resentment from wife to mom and mom to wife. There is a world of depth there, lots of history, it basically boils down to my Wife HATES my mother. Mom has been through a lot, dad has parkinson's, mom has a funny illness like Chronic fatigue - anyway... she's been through a lot, learned a lot about life, spirituality, herself, her behavoir. I believe she's not the person my wife has learned to hate.
We've been married 6-7 years now. Live 3 hours away from my parents and her parents (who happen to live 500 ft from eachother). We have a beautiful 20 month old son.
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ok. My situation. I'm not able to say my mother's name in her presence, not allowed to call home, not allowed to visit, not allowed to send her birthday presents, will not be going home for thanksgiving, I'm trying to get home for a few days sometime just after Christmas, answer was no with an angry tone. Parents miss me, I miss them and the rest of my family. Dad is getting old very quickly. He's had parkinson's for 12 years now, and I've basically been non-existent for 4 of those years (wife won't let me visit, and when we do, I'm only allowed there for an hour or so, then have to be back to spend time with her for the rest of the day/weekend). She loves my dad, but he happens to be married to the 'monster'.
She sees everything, absolutely everything my mother says as a manipulation... know what? Mom's not that clever or devious... For example, my sister may call to see if I'm coming for a visit anytime soon... she thinks that's my mother behind the scenes trying to pressure me through guilt into visiting... it's insane.
My wife wants to move away (6 hours by air/5000 km). Partly because she has more friends there.. more because it's further away from my family and it will mean my son NEVER NEVER has the opportunity to know my mother. She wrote a will the other day (just scratched one together without a lawyer. THe whole page is dictating how my son must have a 'non-existent' relationship with my mother. THe last line - "oh, please give my birthstone ring to my friend".
My wife hasn't spoken to my mother in about 3-4 years outside of the non-combative superficial "yup, nice day.. ok, gotta go"
I back down on most agruments because when I don't, it ends up physical where she'll punch me in the back of the head or be so angry that she gets sick for the whole day or weekend. The more I resist, the more our relationship crumbles. I'm not nearly the guy I want to be - I want to be open minded, compassionate, in love, considerate, blah blah blah... but I don't feel any of that or want to exhibit any of that, because I resent her so much for what's she's done.
If I divorce her.. my son grows up in a broken home... she'll be a wreck... we'll all be broke.. she has threatened to take everything, including my son ... and I'll live in a tent apparently, and never have the opportunity to visit my son (obviously that won't happen)... and if it does happen that we divorce and I have partial custody, she'll run away where I can't find her so that I never expose my son to my mother outside of her control.
Tried to see marriage counsellor - she wouldn't go. I went alone, counsellor baiscally agreed with me through encouragement, and said I new what decisions I'm facing, now it's time to make them... draw the line in the sand where I feel the line should be.. live with the stuff I can live with, resit on the stuff I can't.
I finally got her to go to a councellor (different one). He was a guy with 40 years experience, very layed back.. turned out that my wife is not and his opinions and approaches don't really work for her and how dare he suggest that she loosen up a little and try to cope with my mother.
I just saw her send an email to a friend .. one line says "we need to go out on the town and see what's really out there", which means she's in the process of making a decision of whether to stay in the relationship of dump me for bar-guy because I don't make her feel loved anymore.
She asks me 10 times a day to be more expressive with her.. love her.. rub her feet.. say nice things to her...I do it and say it all the time.. but I'm often prompted. what she really wants to hear is that I hate my old family... love only her no one else matters, focuse entirely on her... and buy her nice things unprompted. But I don't like her...
Do I divorce her?
Do I fight back and hope for the best ( I know the outcome.. )?
Do I try and get the little scraps of my family time that I can until my mom dies (she's only 51)?
I've allowed this situation... I understand that. I'm the kind of guy that avoids confrontation because life is too short... but here I am.. in the worst spot I can imagine, and all I've done was dig a deeper hole. I have so much to offer, I really do, but I just can't feel it. I've given up my soul to try and make her life better... and it doesn't seem better... it seems worse.
The more she gets, the more she wants....for example, I'm a consultant - so when I travel, they come. I'm currently in Edmonton, my home is in Halifax... she and my son are with me... and she refuses to go home. I gave her the temporary distance she wanted from my mother, now I can't get it back.
HELP ME ... ANYONE!!!!!!
I don't care about me... all I want is for the people around me, especially my son to live a happy fulfilling life, and not grow up learning to hate my mother... or anyone for that matter.
thanks, dave.

She needs to look past the way things used to be. She and your son may be missing out on a lot. I recently went to see my ex's mom in the hospital because she was sick and has alhimers, took my son who is in his 20s to show him I could be the bigger person. You know what happened? We made up.......BLEW ME AWAY!!!!! She apoligized for everything nasty thing she ever done or said about me.
Simular circumstances as yours, but ex was a alcoholic, but his parents said I was always wrong about wanting to change him...they were also catholic and Im a baptist. His dad used to tell me I was a athiest because I wasnt catholic. There first grandchild that they swore that I was just getting fat and not preg. Died 30 min after he was born..Second one born a year later they pretty much ignored. Things never got better and things dragged thru the mud til a month or so ago. Tell her just give it a chance to heal. Their not going to be around forever and she will and you will regrete it if you dont go. Tell her she dont have to go but you are. You need to take a stand. Good luck, Jewel
I would leave her only if she won't go to counseling which from your post, you said she would not.
I know you are worried about your child growing up in a broken home, but it is far worse for a child to see his father being treated like this.
What I worry about is how does she treat your child? do you think she will be controlling and abusive towards your son?
About her taking your child away -- get a divorce attorney - tell him or her the whole situation - you should be able to have a free consult on your 1st visit. The lawyer will tell you what you can do to prevent the situation from turning any worse.
Lots of abusers make threats, but they don't usually carry them out. Think about how many mothers or fathers actually do kidnap the kids and disappear... it's a pretty small number of people who do it and it gets all over the news when they do - I think it is an empty threat but let the lawyer anyway.
Here's what I would do:
I would suggest taking the kid to get his fingerprints of file at a police station, and take lots of updated pics of your son so that IF something happens you will have these things. Also find her address book, make a copy of EVERY person in it that way if she does flee you will have names/addresses etc. for the police to look for her at.
If she ever hits you again or becomes violent -- call the police. You need to have on record that she has a temper problem or if you can enlist the help of neighbors and tell them to call the police if they hear her yelling.
Does your wife work or are you the breadwinner? if you are the one who is in charge of the bank account then what you need to do is open up a separate account at a DIFferent bank in your name only, and start putting extra money into that account - it should be your account that you will pay for your lawyer from so that way your wife does not know you have a lawyer.
You don't want to just leave the house - since in some states it is considered abandonment and could effect your custody of your child so please talk to a lawyer and create a plan with him on how you will move out, and what you should do next.
Has your mother ever called your wife a name? has your mother ever hit your wife? has your mother ever told your child that your wife is a bad mom?
if none of these things have happened, then your wife has no right to have so much rage against your mother. I don't think it matters what your mom did or did not do or say, your wife just wants to isolate you and keep you all to herself. She does not want to share you so she makes up reasons as to hate your mom.
No one deserves to be treated this way... for your son's sake, end this marriage. And I really hope that if she treats your son badly too, that you get full custody.
Edited 10/2/2004 11:58 am ET ET by batharine
Carrie