Wife not "In Love"
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| Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:37am |
One thing for sure is niether one of us put any effort into the relationship. In June we decided to get separate apartments so we can both explore our feelings and what we wanted out of the rest of our lives and then get back together to go to therapy and try to sort things out. Last night I asked her where she was in all that was going on. I know her pretty well and knew something was going on.
She basically said she was moving on, did not think therapy would help and that you can't do anything to change your feelings. I didn't have any notions that we could definitely make it through this. I had prepared myself that we might eventually go our separate ways, but I just don't understand why she wouldn't even want to try to talk things out in therapy and see what happens.
She explained that she didn't want to give me false hope an end up hurting me more than she already has. I'm almost positive that she isn't seeing anyone else, my question is what do I do? I don't really think I should pressure her into going to therapy, but I tried to explain to her that things may not work out but at least if we tried therapy at the very least we could look back on this and be able to feel good that we at least tried to get through this.
Do I try to get her to go to therapy, or do I just walk away now. I must say that I just want her to be happy, even if its not with me, but I feel I may regret not trying to get though this. My feelings for her have also dwindled but I do feel that I still love her.
Any advice would be helpful.

Your wife wants to "move on"---but YOU DON'T! And when a couple isn't 'in sync' about the direction their marriage is headed, it's a MEXICAN STANDOFF!
You indicated that neither one of you has put any effort into your relationship...so what makes you think that therapy would suddenly improve things between you? You CAN'T force a person to love you? Your wife has told you not to expect anything to improve...but you seem to hope that she'll alter her feelings?
Instead of worrying about her...work out the legal issues with a lawyer...and at the same time...ask yourself what would TRULY make you HAPPY at this point in your life?
If you're completely honest with your answers, your life could be considerably better (and happier) one year from now!
Pianoguy
I've been trying to figure out what will make me happy and I'm just not sure what that might be. I'm not expecting therapy to be a fix all and we'll come through this. Therapy might just show that we're not meant for each other. I just don't know. It's not like my wife is telling me that she never loved me that way. She says when we were married she was never happier and couldn't have loved me more.
If feelings from that can change, why can't they change in the other direction.
I guess I just feel when you get married you should at least try to make things work instead of divorcing as soon as you feel you might not have married the right person.
Relationship Resuce, Dr Phil - good quizes to help you determine what you need and want on all levels of your relationship.
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix another good book.
Should I Stay Or Go? How a Controlled Separation can save your marriage, by Lee Raffel
PS. The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman says (and I totally agree) Falling in Love and staying in love isn't about how you feel about the other person, but how you feel about yourself when you are with the other person.
Edited 8/16/2004 3:36 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
I say fight for it...let your partner know that you love them...and will stand by them even when they aren't sure that's what they want you to do...I'd hate to think that by giving up so easily you lose something that can never be replaced.
Your point is well taken, and judging from the words in your post...Pianoguy is sure that you're a very good wife, irregardless of any disagreements YOU and YOUR husband may have!
But the key issue was the fact that both the husband and the wife (in the "Wife Not In Love" post) had no desire to make their marriage work!
Their situation seemed to be more than just "a bout of unhappiness"---and the wife indicated that she wouldn't give her husband any false hopes that the marriage could be saved. The husband...on the other hand...didn't seem to want to take her seriously, which is why he brought up the issue of marriage counselling.
While there's always the possibility that counselling might be effective...a couple has to be willing to work through a professional...together! And the wife didn't appear to be interested in doing this.
Pianoguy
I wanted to be a little more clear on my situation. When I stated that no effort was put into the relationship I didn't mean it to sound like we just don't care for each other. Like everyone else we just are busy and put the relationship on the back burner. I work full time and am also in college, pretty much full time. My wife has a very demanding job and works about 50 - 60 hours per week.
Neither one of us admitted to each other that we weren't happy until March of this year. Its not like she was telling me she was unhappy and I ignored it until we separated. When we agreed to the separation we both said we wanted to go to counseling and see if we can make any headway. She says she still really cares for me and needs us to be friends and involved in each others lives.
I just feel therapy should be tried. Even if the marriage didn't work out, maybe it would clear up some of the issues we have and give us a better chance to be friends if things don't work out. At the very least we could look back and have no regrets. We tried and it didn't work. Have closure on the relationship. We both still get along and have absolutley no desire to bring in lawyers if it can't work. We would use a mediator.
I don't blame her at all for what she is feeling. But I do think when things get bad people are to quick to divorce and not even try to work things out. If we didn't try I think it would be something that I would look back on and regret.