Wife's a liar

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wife's a liar
12
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:35am
My wife recently told me she would include me on her list of "potential" players for the volleyball team-why I'm just on the list and not invited is another question-and she is now searching for players. I know from her e-mail that she's having some trouble finding enough players. Obviously, she doesn't really consider me an option. Now, I don't consider her an option either. The question is: Do I admit my snooping and confrom her about her team or do I just let her have her stupid volleyball team and move on to more important things? I'm thinking the latter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 7:43am
I think you have some serious marital problems that you need to address one way or another - the snooping is not good, but it's besides the point really - surely you don't want to continue on this way?

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:06am
I agree, snooping is a waste. It just demonstrates to me how deceptive and dishonest she is. Since she's not open to honest communication, the options are limited. I'll take a wait and see attitude for now and just look for outlets that don't involve her. What a stupid waste. This is all petty BS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:00pm

I think this goes deeper than a volleyball team....Snooping is no good...it shows that your lines of comunication are down and you have insecurites regarding the relationship..


This may sound a little "off", but how good of a player are you? It may be just that you arent very good and she doesnt want to hurt your feelings. How much time do you two normally spend together during a regular day? It could also be that you are together do much, this would only add to it and she is craving a little "me time"...Yo didnt get too specific in your post, but these are all possiblities.Point is, you need to be honest and upfront with her...


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:32pm
You snooped, you found out the lie, now what do you want to do, sweep it under the carpet and move to more important things? What more important things? That's she's having an emotional affair with a younger guy that may or may not have turned physical yet?

Are you just venting or are you ready to do something about this situation?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:11pm
You are obviously very angry with your wife and have a lot of deeply rooted issues behind the volleyball shun. You desperately need to try to communicate with your wife before you can hope to make these negative feelings go away. I would caution you, though, if you go in swinging at her, you're not going to get the results that you want. You will only turn her off more, and contribute to your existing communication problems.

I think the issue about the volleyball team is the least of your worries. Have you two been to counseling?

I hope you can work this out. It really does sound terrible. My heart goes out to you.

Good luck,

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:34pm
I don't stink. I'm not a great player, but I'm good enough at defense and sets that I shouldn't hurt a team. In the past, I've been rated as better than average. As it is, I started looking for another team. If I get on and I'm accepted, that will lay to rest the "feeble" possibility. As for not hurting my feelings, it's never stopped her before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:38pm
This really is a problem and it really is related to communication. My wife is against counseling. (Probably because she's forced to listen.) I am venting here, as the previous poster noted, so I tend to not "go in swinging". However, no matter how I go in, my wife nearly always "responds swinging". It is very frustrating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:42pm
Well, let me tell you what I've done:

1. I've told her I'm uncomfortable with her outside "relationship" and that it would be fine if either there was less of it or if I was invited.

2. I've explained that I want to either be on a team or invited to the non-volleyball functions.

3. I explained that I think she's self-centered and inconsiderate.

4. I've suggested counseling, which she rejects.

5. She says nothings going on and that all the events with her "friend" are in public. I've seen nothing overt to tell me otherwise and I have seen them when they didn't know it once and everything seemed OK. (No affectionate touching, etc.)

So, what next?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:54pm
What can you live with? What kind of marriage/relationship do you want with her? Will she date you?

"I'm really glad you have volleyball to blow off steam, have friends, etc. This has made me realize that our relationship is growing apart, can we work on this with a weekly date, find a way to re-connect?

If she's not willing then only you can decide what you can live with and if you are willing to live with it as it is.


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 4:56pm

I am aware of your situation and even answered a previous post from you about this. It sounds as though she's playing some kind of game with you here. The lack of open, honesty putting you on the bottom of the list is disrespectful to you. Clearly, she wants this to be a place and activity of her own and is stringing you along. You two need to have an open, honest discussion about it. You also need to explore what's really going on in your marriage. It could be that this is simply an expression of other issues she's having. (And you as well). Bring it up, let her know how it makes you feel, and let her know that you are uneasy about it and want to work out what's going on between the two of you. Without trust and honest the foundation of a relationship cannot last long.


All good wishes.

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