wifes slutty past
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wifes slutty past
| Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:49am |
My wife and i have been married 5+ yrs--she is 26 and I am 52 we have a great 4 yr old. I have learned just recently that her past sex life was a very slutty one--40 guys hundreds of times in bed with guys -in a short 3+ yrs. Then to make it worse-our sex life is bad--she handly ever cums for me--only if I do oral on her..she says she is just tired of having sex--but I'm not--even at my age I would like it more than she does-alot more--the only thing she likes doing is hand jobs and oral on me.and lately she is into wanting me to take pictures of her performing oral on me.I can't just forget her past-I know some of her past sex partners-they are scum. So any good advise out there for me? I feel I should just give up and divorce her---she lied about her past-she told me 8 guys-but truth is more like 40-she said she hardly ever came--another lie-she said hardly ever had sex--more lies--even 4 one night stands---what should I do? How should I feel about the lies and sex addiction she had and doesn't have now?
Shocked and confused
Shocked and confused

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Well, I'll come out and say it and I truly mean no offense.
I think the age gap is much too wide between the two of you and furthermore, I think she married too young, regardless of your age. I think as she matures, she's going to want someone closer to her own age both physically and intellectually. I can't really see how you're going to grow together as a couple OUT OF THE BEDROOM and that's going to translate very poorly into the bedroom.
I don't mean to generalize and say that will happen in your case, but I've seen it happen enough times with couples who only have a 10-15 year age gap. I just think 26-52 is too wide.
Good luck
I can see how someone who has had 8 partners by the age of 52 would call 40 partners 'a slutty past'. That is not the point here though. The point is that from what you have described of your r-ship (or, at this stage, a non-rship), she has effectively finished it in her mind, and moved on. To new horizons. New people, new men, new sexual experiences. That is exactly what happens between the ages of 20 and 30 - you have been there yourself, you must know. The person that you are at 20 does not even resemble the one you are a few short years later. She wants a 'new' life. Sadly, it looks like she no longer wants or fancies you in a sexual way - therefore the flirting with and lusting after other men. At the end of the day, can you really blame her? Yes she is married and a mother but she is not 52, she is only 26. She's nowhere near the end of 'exploring what life has to offer' stage. I am afraid to say that I do not believe your marriage stands a chance. It had far too many incompatibilites between the two people entering into it from the very start but you chose to ignore those, possibly for - amongs other things - a huge thrill of being with a woman that much youger. Again, sadly, now you are paying the price. You are not at fault here at all. You have not done anything wrong. It's just that.. a young wild girl of 20 and a solid stable bible teacher of 45+ - did you really and truly, with all your life experience, believe that it would last?
i've read the ENTIRE thread and I don't think anyone is telling you that its your fault. the point that they've been trying to make is that you TWO need counseling. From your post, your wife definitely has issues w/sex and poor self-esteem. You can't fix her, she needs professional help (individual) to work on her self-concept and to explore the reasons why she needs sex to feel loved. You both need marriage counseling to discuss the many, many, many issues that are going on in your marriage.
To me, it sounds like her past wouldn't even be an issue IF she was giving/sharing/orgasming w/you - right? You start off by saying that you love your wife and that you want to make love to her to treat her right, but you can't handle the fact that she's into men that wants to mistreat and abuse her - (she has had a string of unhealthy reltionaships so to her that's normal and the type of relationship that you want (love, support, etc) is abnormal to her. before the two of you can even attempt to have the relationship that you desire, she needs to get her mental state in order first.
As far as the money that has been spent, all i have to say is that YOU HAVE TO PAY TO PLAY! she didn't hold a gun to your head and make you spend your money. Nothing in your posts indicate that which means you did it on your own accord and now that the roads tough you want to claim that you've been taken advantage of - when your the adult!
summation - the two of you need marriage counseling to work out your issues and she needs individual counseling to help build her self-esteem/image and to explore why she uses sex as power. YOU WILL NOT MOVE FORWARD IF YOU KEEP LOOKING BACK.
e.
'...You both need marriage counseling to discuss the many, many, many issues that are going on in your marriage'
Have you really read the entire thread, especially the OP's posts? Counseling? IMHO, no amount of talking to even the best of therapists can make a 26 y old girl who's growing up and sampling life and has realised that she no longer wants to be tied to a man 25 year her senior suddenly change and become the quiet little adoring wise mature mommy and homemaker that he wants her to be - it is a biological impossibility. Again IMHO, it's not that they have 'issues' in the marriage; it's that she has already exited the marriage deep inside and doesn't want to make the slightest effort to save it. I cannot blame either him or her - they are as incompatible as two people can possibly be and should not have married in the first place. Surely, at his age he should know better than to hope for something that is clearly not going to happen.
Hi John,
I don't think anyone here is saying you're the one with the problems either.
However, ITA with others that the age gap IS your biggest stumbling point.
I know I'm not the same woman I was at 26.. or at 21.. I hope not the be the same woman at 35.. 40.. 50. Your wife has LOTS of growing up to do... IMHO you guys won't be able to do it together.
You said, "---she was abused by men-sexually as she asked for it" and that she calls herself the "slut".
IMHO this girl has serious self esteem issues. I do think she need therapy on her own.. not necessarily to save your marriage, but maybe to work out her issues with her esteem. Everything you write in your posts scream to me a girl who's trying to find her own identity, and she has to do this while being a wife and mom.
Granted, it is terrible breach of trust to be lied to... and you should know better than anyone, once the trust is gone, you don't have much a relationship left. But mind you, no one is *entitled* to the truth. You can expect it.. you can hope for it.. but no one owes it to you. When you're with someone who's lying to you.. it's up to YOU to say, "I don't want to be with someone who will lie to me." From there, it's up to THEM to change, or you make your leave.
Furthermore, going by your posts.. you really need to reconsider if she's the "one" for you. I know you want to do what's best for your son, but that doesn't mean staying in a marriage where you're unhappy. Also, regardless of how much money you spent.. or care you've given her- she doesn't *owe* you anything. People hope to receive the affection they put in to a relationship, but it doesn't always work that way..
Good luck.
-c-
You say you spent "tons of money making her feel good about herself" self-esteem comes from within and cannot thrive in a hostile, judgmental environment and you certainly cannot purchase it for someone. Maybe you could stop seeing her as a financial loss and see her as the troubled young woman she is. It sounds to me like you've been trying to fix her but that's her job and if she feels like you're trying to fix her it's natural to rebel.
She should not be lusting after other men and I don't agree that's just part of being a 26 year old. It's part of unhealthy patterns that she needs to deal with in counseling. Plenty of women marry in their 20's and are happily monogamous in heart, mind and body.
You have nothing good to say about your wife, she abuses your son and disrespects you. You want something from her that she cannot give you. The problem isn't her past - it's who she is.
-c-
I think that you are extremely angry. You may not be able to get past this. Again, I think that you should seek marital counseling. Even if you can't get past what she has done, perhaps you could get some closure and end the relationship on better terms.
In the meantime, if you continue to refer to her as a "slut," things will not get better. You are probably way too angry for her to talk to. She could be saying things about other men/boys to drive you insane simply out of spite at this point. Also, having had 8 partners in as long a time as you did, I would assume that these were long term relationships? My husband, 56yo when we married, his first marriage, had had approx. 75+ partners from age 18 to 54. That was his past. I do not consider him a promiscuous man. He has only once bedded a virgin. He hated it. His partners, after his army days, were mainly people that he dated for short to long periods of time, not many one night stands. But it was his past.
BTW, the age gap doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship is doomed. The figures provided by one PP here of .001% making it is inaccurate. (I'm offended and disappointed by the remarks regarding May-December marriages.) It does provide some challenges in a relationship, such as this one. I can tell you, being the wife in her position of having a husband who is much older than I am, that one of the things that we fear the most is your mortality. We will spend many years, hopefully, in the relationship/marriage and in the end find that we are very young widows. She may be pulling back in fear, hitting out in ways she knows will hurt you in fear. It may be that she feels if she distances herself now, it won't hurt so much later.
It also could be that she is uncomfortable with the age difference now. If that is so, she may be telling you these things, true or not, in order to distance herself from you in an attempt to make you want to leave her.
Are you able to get some counseling from your minister?
I see what you are saying--thanks
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