wifes slutty past

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
wifes slutty past
41
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:49am
My wife and i have been married 5+ yrs--she is 26 and I am 52 we have a great 4 yr old. I have learned just recently that her past sex life was a very slutty one--40 guys hundreds of times in bed with guys -in a short 3+ yrs. Then to make it worse-our sex life is bad--she handly ever cums for me--only if I do oral on her..she says she is just tired of having sex--but I'm not--even at my age I would like it more than she does-alot more--the only thing she likes doing is hand jobs and oral on me.and lately she is into wanting me to take pictures of her performing oral on me.I can't just forget her past-I know some of her past sex partners-they are scum. So any good advise out there for me? I feel I should just give up and divorce her---she lied about her past-she told me 8 guys-but truth is more like 40-she said she hardly ever came--another lie-she said hardly ever had sex--more lies--even 4 one night stands---what should I do? How should I feel about the lies and sex addiction she had and doesn't have now?
Shocked and confused
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 4:39pm
someone who sees things the way I do finally
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 4:54pm

Ya know John, I'm not that far away from 52 but I can tell you, that's the kind of drama we want to outgrow so we can settle into something richer and more meaningful. Save yourself, save your son, because the unfortunate truth is you can't fix her and you can't save her. Her behavior is toxic.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 5:10pm

John,


I was concerned when you mentioned your wife slaps on your son. Is this more of a spanking or do you feel she could be abusing him?


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 6:54pm

First of all, her past is her past. Why make it the present? You have plenty of issues to deal with presently right now. What she did in her past doesn't have to affect you. The real question is why you are so dissatisfied together now? Often other issues in the relationship which are not worked on, become expressed through sex. How is your general communication? Do you enjoy being together? Is there time for talk, love and romance? All of these affect the sex.


It seems to me that the two of you need to seek marriage counseling. Learn to really talk to one another, to know and respect each other, to become friends. Then see how your sexual relationship is being affected by your feelings. If she has trouble coming, it's not because of you. It's her problem, and it can be worked out. It isn't that she comes "for" you. She does it for herself, when and if she can. Don't take it personally, but have compassion for the entire situation. The more loving and supportive you are, the sooner things can work out.


All relationships need time and effort. There's no reason to flee just because things are hard right now.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:18am
she loses it very easy--no patients for him--she will argue with him like he was 20yrs old
he is getting into punching and slapping other people now--not so much me--but for no real reasons slaps or punches his mom--not good thing RIGHT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:03am

Your home is a very unhealthy environment for your son so of course he is acting out. We set most of our patterns and beliefs by the time we are 5 years old. You know there is something seriously wrong in this situation. Sometimes when we are in the middle of something we can't see it clearly and I think you've gotten a lot of conflicting information here and much to think about. Short of intensive and committed therapy for you and your wife the possibilities for change are slim to non-existant. So the question is, can you live your life this way? Does she give you any reason to believe there is hope for your future together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:24am
I have to agree with you
everyone here has given me alot to think about
I have been thinking more about my feelings and needs than my son's
I was married before and have a son 32--as I look back on my first marraige
I see alot of the same things happening--my older son sees it too
he was abuse mentally and with the slapping too
I see the way to this day he hates his mom--never will say it to her face-but does
she has serious problems with drugs and booze now
I need to seek help for my son first--then me and my marriage
can anyone out there help me get the help I need for him and my marraige?
I don't make alot of money so--I am sorry to say I need low cost or free help
I live in a big city--Phoenix AZ
Please I am asking for any suggestions or where to turn
I do not want my son growing up to hate his mom--
and I don't want to wait 14 yrs like before --to seek help for all of us
thank you everyone for your comments and advise
but if you can don't stop there--help me find the help I need
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:41am

Check your medical insurance. There are generally benefits for counseling. If that doesn't work I know the elementary school my kids went to had a list of therapists, many of which had a sliding scale. Check with local churches for support groups. Search the internet for low cost or free counseling in your area.

I appreciate you wanting to seek help for your son first but your wife's abuse of him needs to stop. Her behavior is quite possibly criminal and he cannot heal in a hostile environment. If at all possible get him away from his mother. This may force her to grow up and take stalk of what she's doing or you may see quite clearly she is not ready to seek help or change her ways.

The three of you need a lot of help and support but you can only control what goes on with you and your son. You will need help in learning to help your son moving forward as well as breaking the patterns that have lead you into this type of situation twice.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:42am
Try looking in phone book for counselors and see if any offer free/reduce fees or call them and ask. Also try
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:17pm
Thank you---I'll keep you in the loop!!