Will the feelings come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Will the feelings come back?
4
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:11am
I hope someone can have some advice for me. I'm new around here but hoping maybe there is someone out there that can help. Here goes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now (we are 24 yrs old). From the moment we got together we had this insane connection. After only dating for 5 months we decided to move in together. And it was a great decision. We have been happily living together since. Until now that is. A couple of months ago he lost his job. I was going through a really depressed phase of my life & had taken a leave from work. I have now lost my job and am struggling to find a new one. He decided to go back to school. But we spent a couple of months together basically hermiting ourselves together. We were together 24/7 and now he started school a few weeks ago & I now sit alone & bored at home hoping to find work soon. Last night we had a relationship discussion & he told me he loves me more than anything in the universe, that I have changed his life for the better and basically that I make him a better person. But the catch is that he feels like our relationship is turning me into being his best friend and the spark is missing. I'm a mess I still haven't stopped crying & don't know what to do. We had our life planned out together, we were planning on spending the rest of our lives together and now the thought just terrifies me of all of my dreams shattering. So he decided he wanted to work on our relationship for a couple of months or so & hope that things can change. He says he does not want to be without me & wants to feel like before...insanely happy & in love. But for me I'm dying inside trying to understand. I'm hoping that maybe once I'm working again things will change because he said he even feels guilty while he's at school because he knows I'm stuck at home. So I'm wondering if it is just turning into a bit of resentment. Can our relationship be saved? Any tips on how to reignite and for me to make an effort to wipe my tears and give it one good last shot? Or should I just give up hope? Can that kind of love be refound? Thank you for any replies I really need some advice!


Edited 9/22/2004 10:38 am ET ET by scaredandconfused118

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:43pm
Falling in love and staying in love is something you have to 'choose' every day. Like flirting with him, paying a compliment, leaving a note in his homework, in his lunch, being romantic, leave him a card on the table, and it's a two-way street.

Reading material:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix


My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:01pm
I agree with itwinflame. I just wanted to share something with you.

My boyfriend (now husband) and I started out hot and heavy, insanely in love. Then I moved away for college (about 2 hours away) and it stayed just like it was. Then after a year and a half of dating we decided to get married. We moved in together and he lost his job, and then I took a leave of absence (sounding fimiliar>). We were together all of the time, then he decided to go back to school and he got another job. I sat around at home...this is so much like you guys it's weird. Anyway, things cooled way off. We still had good times, but I felt it was very much of a best friend type of thing. Even when I went back to school it wasn't what it used to be...and we were married, so imagine how freaked out I was! Well I got a job and decided maybe if we didn't spend 24/7 together things would get better. He doesn't have many friends because he moved to Utah from Cali and so he didn't have many people to hang out with. I didn't have many friends because none of my old high school friends were married and it was weird for us to go out because they only wanted to pick up guys. Anyway, so I got some hobbies, running, gym, and found some new friends. When we weren't at work we'd be home with eachother, now we both try to do other things, but keep enough time for us to be together. Things have really looked up since then, because we focused on ourselves.

I think when couples are together for a while it's natural to have a cooling off period. It's just hard to have a blooming new fun relationship when you feel like an old married couple. So I suggest to do what itwinflame suggested and read some books. Get some FREE hobbies. My husband is a sports freak, and since he wakes up at 6:30 and gets home from his day at 11 most days he likes to sleep in on sat&sunday, so what I do is I get the sports page, make a quick but yummy breakfast and have him wake up to it. After I started doing little things like that he started them too. Since we are poor he can't afford huge flowers and stuff, so sometimes I'll find a little picture of flowers he drew with a note saying I love you in my purse. It's the little things that keep us in love.

Also, I'm not saying I have a job for you or something, but I have a few suggestions that might be possible for you...if you are interested you can e-mail me LynMusic@hotmail.com.

Lindsay...GOOD LUCK! sorry for my loooong response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:59am
Definately don't give up hope! I think it's great that he was able to come to you and be honest about his feelings. That is something positive, and HE isn't giving up! He said let's give it some time to see where we are. So what you need to do is try to spice up your love life! Since you are currently unemployed, you can plan a nice romantic dinner, music, candles, rose petal bubble bath, the works! Go get yourself a nice nighty from Victoria Secret... all that good stuff.

Most importantly, let him know he is appreciated. Most times when a man loses his job, or when things get rough they shut down. They get depressed and start questioning their lives. (trust me i've been there) Support him in going to school and let him know how much you love him. That is really all that you can do. Maybe he is just going through a funk right now and the time will pass and he'll see the light. You just hold on to the fact that you are a wonderful person with great qualities, let him see that wonderful person! I'm sure you will be alright hon, just do all you can to show how much you love him and want him in your life. Write him a letter or poem if you have to. But don't smother him TOO much. You guys will decide what's best and things will turn out ok one way or the other. I know you love him to death , but you don't want something with him if he doesn't share your passion, if that is the case its better he realise that now than 10 years down the road. Get your romantic evening planned... and read your Cosmo on some new sex tips :)

good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 7:48pm
Thanks so much everybody for your replies! I will definetly take the advice! So we had a really long talk last night & came to the conclusion that deep down the really problem is his fear of commiting. He previously had a 3 year relationship that took up the years of his life that are kinda important. (18-21) So he really feels that he is missing out on those years & thinks that maybe being single & doing the party thing might fill that void. I tried to explain to him that being single isn't neccisarily going to fill that. He can't have those years back. No matter what he is still almost 24. So I suggested that maybe he start going out without me & start partying. It would be tough but I'm hoping it may not take him too long to realize that the grass isn't always greener. But he also admitted to me that he is still sexually attracted to me & interested in sex & still loves me to death. I have the opportunity to go outta town for about 10 days next week & I'm considering. Maybe it would help him to see that life without me is not a happy life. He know he will miss me tons. So I explained how bad he would miss me if I was out of his life forever. He said he doesn't want that either way though. But my reply was you can't have your cake & eat it too. Its me or no me. I will need to heal on my own & won't be able to stay in contact. Plus if we break up I'm going to need to move (for financial reasons I can't afford to stay alone here). I'll be 8 hours away. But then I fear maybe if I go away for a week or so he'll realize he does like it without me. Please help!!! I could use some advice on how to go about this. I'm soooo terrified & sad.