Will the fighting stop???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Will the fighting stop???
16
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 1:55pm

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now and our entire relationship has been a rollercoaster. Ever since we started dating we would fight, make up, fight, make up, fight, etc. We work together (that’s how we met), and started living together after 6 months. I have a theory that if I switch jobs then maybe the distance at work will help since we won’t see each other as much and maybe we won’t get so annoyed with each other. I am looking for a job, but I don’t know if it will work. I know I love him, but the fighting is really starting to get to me. I always had hoped that we would work out the fighting and it would settle down a bit, but it hasn’t. We fight at least once a week over stupid stuff (some weeks we will fight or bicker everyday). Also, after a few fights he does this “we fight too much maybe we shouldn’t be together” thing, then I get upset, then he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I want this to work, but I am in denial about the fighting? We are both different people (different values, opinions, the way we look at things and interrupt things, etc). I feel like I am crazy to stay, but I love him so much I know we could make it work, but will it actually happen? Any help or advice from anyone will help. Does anyone have any advice about fighting? I think I should mention that this is the first time each of us living with a significant other.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 3:54pm

Welcome to the board Heather,


Would counseling be an option for the two of you? Do your fights tend to get out of hand or do you both handle them pretty well?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 4:25pm

Thank you for the welcome. I have thought about counseling. I am not sure he will agree to it, but maybe if I try to get him to go once and see how it is and tell him that it is better than splitting up. Our usual fight is us arguing for a bit then we get silent and do our own thing for a while and come back to each other when we have calmed down and resolve the issue. There are a good amount of fights that end in him yelling (he has a short fuse) then us not talking till the next day. We have never been violent or abusive in anyway (even though I get upset when he yells), but I believe that in some fights he brings up us being better off apart and I think he says it to get me upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 4:58pm
Is there anyway to point a few issues that cause these fights that way you could find a way to resolve them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 5:00pm

Hi hat (lol),

I do not think that counseling is a viable option for you two. A relationship that begins and ends as a rollercoaster is one that is not meant to work out. If you have been breaking up and making up since the beginning, that should have been a huge warning sign that you're not right together. Good relationships do not, ever, begin that way, and for you to reasonably expect the fighting to end would require that you both just be different people.

Counseling at this point would be like trying to shave off the edges of a square block so it could fit into a round hole. Or worse yet, trying to convince a square that it's a circle just for this purpose.

I do not think that this one has a future no matter how hard you try. Love alone does not make two people work out. You can have a much happier and harmonious relationship, but it has to be with someone else. Sorry hon I don't think you can make this any different than what it is. It's not worth it to try to either delude yourself or change who you are just to fit him and that's what this would take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 5:08pm
I may be wrong, but I think she meant that they fight alot. Not that they breakup and makeup alot. Just fight then makeup.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 6:14pm

Welcome to the board hat0112,


That much fighting would indicate that the two of you aren't very compatible, no matter how much love is there.


Reading material to consider:


Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 6:52pm
They've been doing it since the beginning of their relationship... And when I say "break up" I guess I am referencing the consistent comments during their fights about breaking up or not being together. I have seen a lot of those kinds of relationships, and not once have I seen it work out. Relationships are meant to work when two people at least for the most part live in harmony together naturally... The purpose of putting effort into making a relationship work is NOT to force something that just doesn't fit. I know this will be unpopular but if two people need counseling so soon into their relationship then it's a futile effort. Of course you have every right to disagree and think that counseling will make the fighting stop. But counseling does not make two people compatible. I don't believe it makes sense to try to use counseling to attempt to fit two people together just because they feel strongly for one another, it is a much better use of time to find someone who they DO get along with. I know relationships are work but in my personal experience, the men that needed a metaphorical shoehorn to work with me and my life weren't a right fit at all, and when I found the right guy it just felt effortless. I just don't want other people to think that a relationship should be a struggle. It's supposed to make you happy, more than anything. There are over three billion men in the world.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 7:33pm

There could be many reasons for the fighting, and as I don't know you, I can't say which fits in your case. Some fight because they don't feel they deserve happiness and have to sabotage their relationships. Others fight due to fear of intimacy. Others can't compromise. They have to be right or have it their way. There are also couples who fight due to power struggles that are going on. If the fighting in your relationship is so intense and if you do want to stay together, it's a good idea to get to a counsellor who understands psychological dynamics and figure out what's going on. It won't stop by itself and will most likely intensify. When you understand more fully what's fuelling the anger, and develop relationship and communication skills, you then have a chance of moving forward and buildng a healthy relationship that will grow. Otherwise, you're just wasting your energy getting pulled downwards over and over with all this anger.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 8:12pm
Sometimes the fighting keeps going because you never really fight about what is really causing the problems so the fights grow. Sometimes people fight about the mess in the laundry room when it really is about him not making enough money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 8:59pm
First, I think it is easy for someone to say to get out of the relationship if you fight too much when they aren't in the situation. I love him, and I know he loves me too, and we both have respect for each other, and we are each others best friend. I think that is a good start. And to clarify things, we never broke up, and he only talks about break up to hurt me during a fight, which is something everyone does when they argue. I believe one of probably many reasons for the fighting is that he wants

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