Will he ever marry me??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Will he ever marry me??????
3
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:35pm
My *boyfriend*, whom I have been living with for 1.5 years, asked me to marry him a year-and-a-half-ago. I accepted along with the ring he gave me. The problem is, he doesn't really want to tie the knot --legally. We've bought a house together, and a car, and I want to finalize our relationship with marriage -the natural thing to do. He says he wants to marry too but will never finalize plans or set a date with me. I feel that he's just appeasing me but when it comes down to it, that he doesn't really want to marry.

Here's another thing... he refers to and introduces me to people as his 'wife'. His justification is that we are 'married by agreement' and are committed to one another. Well yes, that's true, but we are not *really* married.

I'm in my forties and have never been married and he's in his fifties. He was married twice and divorced nearly three years ago.

Please help --is this guy stringing me along? Am I being taken for a fool? (Why buy the cow when the milk is free?) Should I just relax and see how things play out over time? Or, should I forget about marriage and realize he's not the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:11pm
Given the ages...there are other issues to consider.

when you're 20-something - you can prioritize 'feelings" over some facts and some people at that age prioritize feelings as if they are facts - which is a huge mistake.

But getting married at the ages you are.......depending on situation - I'm not sure why people would.

If you're at an equal level as far as income, professional status, retirement, medical insurance - you stand to gain nothing but tax benefits that are minimal as a result of "marriage" as a formality.

If one of you doesn't have insurance, or the same average income, or a retirement - I can see the problem at large.

Divorce is "dissolution of a union" - but it's got a price. The mate you're divorcing becomes "entitled to" some portion of whatyou've got based on time spent together and posessions, positions, and accrual within the timeframe spent together.

probably, had he never divorced the first time - if he's a successful person now financially - he'd be considerably better off. Without payinng child support, splitting up assets, selling houses and splitting proffits - he'd have much more financially and materially than with those divorces. And those divorces occurred at a timeframe in his life where he could "recover those assets" - while you can't escape the reality you can't get where you would have been......at some points depending on income, professional status, and age -it is possible to "get back to where you were".

At 50 - it's NOT. No matter what way you slice and dice it-there is not enough time to re-accrue what would be lost in the event of a split.

At 40 and 50+ - you get down to practical reality vs. impractical "fluff and foo-foo desires". Quite likely - if he had prioritized marriage he'd have never moved in with you without a set date, and a firm set of plans and already in play those plans in order tofinalize marriage.

if YOU moved in with him, purchased this house and got this financially intertwined on a daily basis (especially if you're to the point that splitting up would cause you extreme financial difficulty with the inability to restore your previously single lifestyle without much time or effort)....you could be in trouble.

Just like the above outlines why he wouldn't want to marry - if you split there's not enough time to reaccrue what he'd lose, etc. This situation also demands that you personally at all times be pro-actively responsible for your own future in every regard - which you should be if married, as well.

but this situation needs you to have spelled out in a legally binding argeement what is to happen to the house, any financial assets or material possessions -in the event of a split. It's not enough to say "she's entitled to have of what 'we" have purchased/accrued" - because when those types of statements are made you're in love, compatible and thinking long-term TOGETHER. If you were no longer in love, compatible and thinking about long-term together but long-term as individuals being impacted by this split....you'd each become self-preservastionistic and survivalist oriented. So it needs to be legally spelled out - if you two split up what is going to happen to the house, is it to be sold even at a lesser amount in a downsized market - and the profits split equally, or is it to be bought out from one of you by the other, with the amount required to do that held in escrow by an attorney at all times, what precisely is to happen in the event of a split - financially?

I don't think he wants to marry....and he's right in that commitment and marriage are NOT synonymous and you can have one without the other - and often do! Both in positive and negative ways.

I think he likes the "benefits of marriage" as a lifestyle - but he doesn't wnat the risk of marriage on a financial level - or at least on some level.......and so he's putting you off.

Think about it this way....when he wanted to buy a house - did he stall, backpaddle, or retreat? Probably not. When he's wanted to go on trips or purchase autos - did he meander everywhere while choosing nothing? Not likely. So he is likely "wanting" marriage and then just 'forgetting" to plan and pursue one - I think not.

What people pursue -that is what they want. Often they'll have to compromise and give up something of lesser value to them - to get something of greater value to them.

and depending on the financial split at present - it is hard to say if this is an equality based partnership or not.

More details might help.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:46pm
Hi Erin,

Thanks for your insight. Our house is joint tenancy and our car is titled as *or*. He makes substantially more than me finanially but we both do pretty well. He has child support payments and was recently relieved of alimony (his X re-married) so his income has gone up.

Okay, so he doesn't want to marry -that's obvious. Why the diamond ring? Why even ask? Why even mention it to people, as recently as last month?

It bothers me that he asked but never followed through. And, how do I put this in place inside of myself to make it okay, to make it stop bothering me?

Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:55pm
Well, if he'd said outright prior to the house purchase, prior to the car purchase - "I'll never marry you because I don't want to marry" - would you have gone ahead, cohabitated, bought the house, the car and joined your funds and your options?

probably not...so he told you he did want to marry - because he would want to marry "if life isn't how it is". But alot of people want to do alot of things - they don't do because "situations aren't right by their standards and definitions."

Why not buy you a ring, if he's going to propose as IF he's going to marry...which he's probably in self-denial about whether he is or not so you couldn't get a straight answer out of him anyway......and if he's going to go around introducing you as is wife.

It sounds like it's a very compatible relationship except for this one thing....that he doesn't want to marry and you do.

And if marriage is important to you....then leave him. And if marriage isn't, stay - but still, get some legally binding contracts as to how things will be split.

Because, if he dies...and he's got kids, ex's and prehaps some previous debts to be settled there, or promises he made while in previous relationships regarding funding his children or grandchildren - his "word" won't mean a thing as to what you and he agreed to as a split in the event of death/split because he won't be around to enforce it. And things will be at least "half his" and those relatives will be clamboring all over to get "his requests honored or his promises kept"...leaving you to fend for yourself without a legal leg to stand on.

If you're not married - then legally you're not protected in any joint venture, without contractual and legally binding agreement. And even then...it's an investment that has no guarantee to pay out...but at least if things don't work out you have an avenue to start pursuing recompense.

How to get okay with not being married and stay - ask yourself what you thought marriage was going to bring to you and that your current status does not? If you find that you believed marriage would make you someone or something you're not....then that is why you wante dto marry. To get/become that thing or person or have that status...but marriage nor any relationship makes you something or someone you're not - prior to having it in your life. Except miserable or broke...lots of people had they NOT had a particular marriage/relationship would be alot less emotionally scarred or financially destitute.

If you find that "marriage" is something you be besides a status symbol - and that it means something on a religious or personally associative level - you probably can't "not want marriage" and you'll have to decide if staying with him and not getting whatyou want is what you want to do - whre you won't incure resentment and regret about a future with him, without marriage.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com