Will he ever settle down with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Will he ever settle down with me?
12
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:25pm
I have a wonderful friend. We've had a "fling" going for about 17 years. Even through my short marriage, and his long term girlfriends. He has cheated on everyone of his girlfriends with me. I don't know if that is a compliment, but our chemistry together is very strong. There have been long periods of time that we have gone without seeing each other, and we talk almost everyday. We saw each other twice last week for the first time in a long time. It was like we just saw each other the other day. Very comfortable, and very familiar. On our second meeting, we became a little more intimate. I couldn't decide whether to let it go or not, but I decided to try to give him a night to remember, in hopes of him remembering how great it was before. He currently does not have a girlfriend, and he just bought a really nice house. I did ask him for the opportunity to someday give him everything I have to offer, and he said he didn't want to settle down with one person at this point in his life. I told him that I appreciated his honesty. My interpretation was "off base" according to him. He said that I acted like it was "over", and couldn't understand why I referred to things as past tense. He said that all he meant was he really didn't want a girlfriend at this point in his life. I'm very confused. He is the love of my life. And I soemtimes think that he will "choose" me, when he is ready. On the other hand, I feel like he is playing his own game of bachelor, and there are women all over town, pining for his vote. I think there is a message in that he won't ever let me go, I also think that if nothing has changed so far, it probably never will. Why won't he let me go? Our chemistry and compatibility is so very strong. I know that I will be devestated if he marries someone else. He is a very good man, I don't think he could ever have the intent intentions of hurting me. What can I do to finally get his attention?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:47pm
tatesmom526...

Please answer one question for Pianoguy...

How can this...err...gentleman...be "a good man" when he has cheated on all his past girlfriends just to be with you...and doesn't want to be committed to one woman?

Doesn't it even bother you (a little) that he is screwing around with a harem of other women..and then turns to you when they've begun to bore him?

Maybe 17 more years of this routine will convince him that YOU'RE THE PERFECT WOMAN for him...but do you HONESTLY want to wait around that long for him to decide? Geesh....!

I keep thinking of the lines to that pop song from the 70s..."I will be your friend and I'll be your lover, but we know in our hearts to agree...we will have to be one or the other..."

There's no word about marriage or a commitment in that song---and you probably won't get anything more positive than that from "Hugh Hefner's Godchild!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:47pm
Some of this will be hard to hear.

::Will he ever settle down with me?

No or he would have done so already.

::He has cheated on everyone of his girlfriends with me. I don't know if that is a compliment, but our chemistry together is very strong.

No it's not a compliment, it means he doesn't value loyality, doesn't feel committed to anyone, read that has no integrity and allows his sex drive (needs) to dicate his choices.

::He is the love of my life. And I soemtimes think that he will "choose" me, when he is ready.

He doesn't feel the same way about you, unfortunately. There is nothing you can do to make him 'choose' you. Lots of women make this mistake in thinking - if only I was just good enough, pretty enough, do enough for him, he'll want the same think I do.... after 17 years he would know.

::I think there is a message in that he won't ever let me go, I also think that if nothing has changed so far, it probably never will.

You are so right!

::Why won't he let me go?

Because he doesn't have to. As long as you continue to take his calls, go out with him, and jump in his bed, you send the message that his choices and behavior are acceptable to you.

YOU are NOT LESS than because he won't commit. You are not less than because he hasn't 'picked you', you are not less than because of his actions, choices, behavior, decisions. Yet you continue to hold on to the relationship in hopes that he will change his mind, see how wonderful you are, etc., but he's made it clear he doesn't want that in his life and you aren't hearing him, because he's not saying what you want to hear.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Edited 7/31/2004 1:00 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:55pm
You're right. If only you knew him......worst feeling in the world is a broken heart. Thanks for your insight. I'll keep you updated. If I respond to him, should I act distant, disinteresed? Like a b---? FYI, I'm a Cancer too, we're too sweet for our own good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:58pm
Thanks. Hard medicine to swallow. I guess I sounded a little contradictory?? If you only knew him..guess I'm selling myself short, huh? I'll keep you posted. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 1:18pm
tatesmom526...

If you can get past your own feelings and examine this man's 'female track record' instead...my best guess is that YOU'LL RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! .

One thing for sure...I agree with you about CANCER CRABS...most of us ARE 100% SWEET!

But here's a quick confession....I was born on the cusp...and every now and then, I'll occasionally toss out a few "Leo Lessons" when I'm responding to some of the posts here!

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 1:55pm
'he said he didn't want to settle down with one person'

And this surprises you?

'And I soemtimes think that he will "choose" me, when he is ready.'

You are kidding yourself. He has never given you any reason to think he will settle down and be committed and monogamous to you or anyone else.

'Why won't he let me go?'

Because you are available to be the woman he cheats with. He doesn't want to pass that up.

'He has cheated on everyone of his girlfriends with me....He is a very good man,'

Huh?

So if you get together which one of you will cheat first?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 6:03pm
I have re-read what I posted as my situation. It sounds a little contradictory. I felt a little attacked by your comments. Haven't you ever cared so much about someone, that you thought it deserved a "real" chance? I'm afraid I gave you the wrong impression of myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 10:57pm
I think one of the hardest things we ever have to do is accept that something we want so badly just isn't going to happen. That seems to magnify when love is involved. You said he's a good man. No, he isn't. He cheated on his girlfriends. He would most likely cheat on you. It's my opinion that he thinks he has you right where he wants you ... anytime he wants you. Take a deep breath and say to yourself ... he's never going to settle down with you or anyone else. Whoever ends up being his wife will be a wife who gets cheated on. You don't want that! I know it's hard when your heart is in it. I've been there ... we all have. Sweetie, you gotta get a little respect for yourself. Decide what you will and will not put up with and stick to it. I've recently had to make that decision, too. It was hard!! But, I had been dating a man for a couple of years and knew what I wanted. I'm in my mid 40's. I wanted forever with the right person. Everything about us together was great! I mean, I had never met anyone else who seemed so RIGHT! The problem? He (also in his mid 40's) simply didn't want to ever get married. He'd never been married and just couldn't understand why we had to "mess" everything up with marriage. From the time of that conversation, it took me about six months to realize that if he could not make that kind of committment to me, no matter how wonderful everything else was, he was NOT the right person for me. I explained that to him ... told him we just wanted different things. I told him I loved him and would spend the rest of my life with him ... but not as his girlfriend. Then I said good-bye. I have to tell you ... once I found that respect for myself and decided to stick to what I WANT instead of trying so hard to give him what he wanted ... I felt wonderful but it did hurt. I loved him ... still do ... three weeks later he presented me with an engagement ring and we've been married, very happily, for about 3 months. Now he tells me marriage is the best thing that ever happened to him and he can't image what his life would be like without me. Gain self-respect. Decide what you want ... not only who you want ... and find happiness. Love and God Bless you! Guen
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:02am


'Haven't you ever cared so much about someone, that you thought it deserved a "real" chance?'

Yes but he wasn't a womanizing, lying, cheating man.

Has he given you reason to believe that he wants to settle down with you? Has he even asked for a real chance? Has he promised that you are the one and that he will not cheat? Has he done anything proactive to dig down to the reason why he treats women this way?

If the answer is yes to the above questions then he deserves a chance.

Maybe you care a great deal about him but that doesn't make him boyfriend material.

Regardless of how I may have 'attacked you' think about what I said. I didn't write it with the intent of attacking you but to make a strong point. Was I way off base? How?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:47am
Point taken. Sex is just very important to him, and I have so much more to offer him. There is ALOT of history there. I see so many other good qualities (unrelated to women) in him. How do I let him know this has to stop? I've tried before, and apparently not taken very serious. It's not my nature to be confrontational and b----y. I would hate to jeopardize our friendship part of the relationship (we truly are great friends).

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