Will my Mom and I ever be close?
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| Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:33pm |
Hello everyone. I'm hoping I can get some advice on how to build a positive relationship with my Mom. Any advice will be greatly appreciated :)
I'm 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. My mom and I have never been close. In fact, no one in my family is very close! Here is a brief background. Well...I'll try to keep it brief.
My mom has always been EXTREMELY overbearing. I am an only child, so I guess that has something to do with it. I was never allowed to do much as a child and even up until I moved out at the age of 23, I was never treated with respect. Growing up, I was never allowed to make my own decisions. I was always told what to do and where to be. I never had many friends because I wasn't allowed to do anything with them. When I became old enough to decide to make some of my own decisions (against her will of course) I was criticised for every one that I made. None of them were ever right to her. Even when I found my current husband, who has always treated me wonderfully, she would insist that he was abusive because I didn't smile enough around her. Well, I didn't smile around her because she made me miserable! When I reached the point of becoming my own person, we fought every day because I wasn't turning out to be what she'd planned. She only wanted me to marry a preacher and have lots of babies. lol.
I should point out that she is overzealous (for lack of a better word) with her religion. Few sentences are spoken without mentioning it in some way or another. Even when I made the decision to go to college, she told me it was a stupid waste of time because the end is near. Not that there's anything wrong with being religious, that's a good thing, but she is honestly obsessed. Which brings me to another point. She has been in therapy for about 20 years. She has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and panic attacks. I think she could also be bipolar (i minored in psychology, lol)
Okay, this is already gone beyond brief. There is really no way to describe how she is, you'd just have to know her I guess. To sum it up, I'm at my wits end now. I had a dr appt 2 weeks ago. I'd been having some chest pains and was sent for an echocardiogram. She kept insisiting to go with me but I wouldn't allow it. She always embarrasses me by harrassing the doctors. Well, when the results weren't in after a week, she asked for my doctors number. I told her she'd better not call and act rude but she insisted she wanted the number because she was looking for a new doctor herself. I should've known that was a lie. She actually went to my dr office and threw a fit, exclaiming she was my mother and wanted my results now. The next day she called them back twice until finally the girl called for my results and gave them to her.
Like I said, I'm 26 years old. I felt completely disrespected by this. I told her that I was upset with her and she hasn't spoken to me for 2 days. She is pulling her usual "you've thrown me back into a deep depression" routine that has long ago grown old. I'm just not sure how to deal with her anymore. My husbands family is very close and I am sometimes envious that I can't have the same. How can I get her to understand that I'm an adult and I need to handle my own life now? I'm on the verge of giving up completely.


Here's the good news. You have a second chance to have the kind of family you always wanted. You are married to a great guy with a great family. Now they are your family. Embrace them. Turn to them for familial support. When you have children, become the kind of mother you wish you had. Re-create a loving family and give it to yourself. Life is very short. Don't waste another day ruminating over what you don't have.
One more thing. Your mother sounds borderline dangerous. When you have children, don't EVER allow her to be alone with them no matter how much she complains and tries to manipulate you. As far as your duty to your mother, you are only responsible for seeing to it that she has food in her stomach and a roof over her head in her old age. Maybe a phone call once a week, thats all.
hi becky and hugs! i agree with the other poster - and you really have to MOVE ON. you will NEVER have the relationship with your mother that you want (and deserve!!!). SHE is not going to change. i think a great deal of your hurt and frustration is that you WANT her to be different. you need to accept that this is who she is. and its not easy, i am in my 40s and am just coming to terms with my own parents.
i am so happy for you that you have a great husband and that HE has a great and close family - that's your family.
the best advice i can give you - and i don't if you can go thru with it - is to simply move away. i know several people who have done this - moved far enuf away so that their toxic parent was not able to be part of their life. you get caller ID, you don't answer her calls, don't "share" your news with her.
Have you read:
The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner
You have to stop trying to make it work. Don't tell her when you are going to the doctor. Don't tell her about personal things. Keep it light and superficial.
Carrie