Will this pass?
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Will this pass?
| Tue, 10-12-2004 - 1:33pm |
My H had an emotional break down the other night. It was a long time coming and may end up being and emotional break through. He's been in this state of depression for almost 2 years now. I'm hoping that now that he's let out all these feelings that he'll be able to move forward now. But these last couple of years has taken it's toll on me. I love my H, no doubt. But my respect level for him has dropped..I see him as a struggling boy, almost. I'm still attracted to him, but my feelings of 'awe' have diminished. And the when he broke down the other night, something in me was quieted. I've gone from an uptight, on the verge of screaming from frustration, to a numb sort of state. I've been supporting him this whole time, while expected to maintain my own sanity during all this crap. I guess I'm just tired. And I'm lonely. I haven't been alone, he's always home, etc., but I feel like I've been just following him around making sure he doesn't fall. We used to talk about everything and he was a great friend and partner. But he hasn't had 'time' for us...he's so distraught about everything else. And it's not that I don't understand all that. But I'm finding myself longing for companionship...not sexually, but intellectually and just someone who's not so down. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being around someone whose always sad or on edge. I don't want to leave my H or anything, I guess I'm just tired of the drama. I want our happy days back. I want to have fun and laugh. I want to not feel so obligated to constantly be strong and on alert. How long is a wife expected to handle this sort of chaos? I know there's no answer to that other than how much I'm willing to put up with it....I'm not sure how much more I can take. If anyone's been here with their spouse, some words of encouragement and hope would be nice. I just need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks.

huge hugs! its not easy, going thru what you are going thru, and i truly commend you for standing by your husband. I was married to a man who was extremely depressed - but he was abusive too, and there were other issues, and i did end up getting divorced... but i digress
I would very strongly urge you to do two things:
first of all - speak to your husband's doctor and get some information on what you can expect, is there hope, how long will this take, etc. then ask him/her about finding some help for YOU- a support group, personal counseling, whatever it takes. you need that kind of support and your husband CAN'T give it to you.
second - you NEED TO Build yourself a life AWAY from your husband. you are an adult, you can't be spending your life just picking up the pieces for him. if you don't work -then you go out and get a job, or at least some kind of career training. make friends - there are great people out there - and you NEED friends, you need support.
even in a "normal" marriage, where both partners are well, it is healthy for both partners to have "other" intersts and friends. more so in this kind of situaton.
That seems to be a noble statement but how realistic is it? You alone can't save the marriage or your husband if he won't seek help. His refusal to go to counseling is a strong statement. He is saying that he doesn't respect himself and his marriage. You may refuse to give up but it seems your husband isn't.
How long are you willing to be the 'strong one' yet stay miserable?
I was in a similar situation with my ex. He had been depressed since he was 7 (he is 30 now, was 24 when I met him), and had been to counselling and taken medication on and off.
When I met him, he was at a very low point, and the counselling and medication helped somewhat. Then the counselling stopped - his counsellor moved to another city, and although he gave my ex info on how to arrange for another counsellor, my ex never bothered. When we were breaking up earlier this year, he accused me of taking all his mental energy (he offered me a lot of support throughout our relationship, as I had depression problems as well, but at the time he offered me support freely) and stopping him from making himself better.
The last 3 years of our relationship he did not change much. I was at college then, living 2 hours away in another city. We talked each night, and I went to see him every 2-3 weeks (he very rarely made the visit to my city), so during the day he had more than enough time to focus on himself. He chose not to. He kept saying he would get a job, get back to college, but never did. He seemed to be too secure in the position he was in, and although he was not happy it was better than facing the long journey to getting well. I would have helped him, and supported him, but he never asked for help, and when offered would turn my help down.
So, when we broke up, this gave him the wake-up call he needed. He sorted his teeth out, got a haircut, started a pre-college course, got a (voluntary) job. He said that he realised that his life had nothing in it without me, and that he needed to make changes. I don't know what he is doing now, he also turned abusive after the break-up and I cut all contact with him. It is sad that it took a break-up to shake him out of his inactivity.
My point is that he will not get better unless he wants to, no matter how much you ask him or offer help. If he gets you down, maybe living apart for a while will make him realise that he needs to get better if he wants to keep you. Have you explained to him that his behaviour is making you sad? Has he said that he wants to try and get better? How long has he been like he is now?
It is up to him to change. You clearly are supportive, but you can't force him to change. I'm sure you know this. If he makes you sad, have a trial separation. You might get the husband back you married, you might not. But if I hadn't broken up with my ex, he would still be on benefits, with no plans for his future, and it is frustrating to be with someone who just does not want to get better.
Hope this helps.
ok so now you are saying that he is dealing with an addiciton to alcohol?
look, the point is very simple, everyone will tell you the same thing, but until you really GET IT, you will continue in this marriage, you will continue to cover up for him, continue to "wait" till "HE" decides to "change" his life. it may happen - it may not... but it doesn't matter what *YOU* do - this is HIS call.
As i said, i lived with a man who was depressed - all the time, anxious, etc. he self medicated with tranquilizers and pain killers, not alcohol, but he was an addict and lived the life of an addict, and i was his co-dependent wife. our entire life together was all about him and his needs. and so i know what you are going thru.
as far as i can see, you have two choice: you can get divorced - not because he is depressed, but because he will not do anything about his illness/addiction and that is affecting you. OR you can live with him and ACCEPT him for what he is - and find your life/friends/support outside the marriage... either way - i would strongly advise YOU to get some professional help for yourself - i was very happy that i did when i needed it.