Will this relationship survive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Will this relationship survive?
3
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 5:08pm
I am a 36yo divorced mom of two sons (11 & 15). I own my own home, pay my bills on time, have a good job. My 47yo bf of 3+ years started living with me 6 mos ago. His kids are mostly grown (1 in college, 2 married). He owns his own home (still) in the next town over. He would like to keep that home and build an addition as soon as we're done remodeling my home in about 6 mos. His home he plans to be our retirement home. He will be retiring in the next 10 years. He wishes for me to stop working at that time and retire with him. Now the problem...

He has lived in my home for 6 mos now and contributes nothing financially. He IS doing remodeling work on my home, but does nothing else (like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.). I am anxious after 3+ years to committ life-long (marriage) and combine our money and things, sell our homes and buy one house. Seems to me to be logical next step. He sees the situation differently.

He feels that because I still have my two sons living at home, he should only be responsible for what he uses. He also feels we are not ready to take the big step into marriage. I am at a loss. Every step forward in this relationship is because of my "ultimatums" - as he calls them. I feel I am ready to end this relationship, especially after finding out about his feelings about my kids and his money. He doesn't seem to want to make the final committment and has said that he worries that "when we divorce I will get 50% of his retirement" - pretty sad to me. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention...he makes 100,000 per year, I make 41,000, plus child support.

I am interested in any comments, criticisms and replies I can get on this matter. I have had it up to here...

Sincerely,

Tamanthap

tam_1967@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 5:28pm
My opinion is that one obstacle that is virtually a deal-breaker is when two people have two different goals in life, in the relationship, with finances, priorities, etc. I think 3+ years is enough to know that one of you is not going to change all that to be on the same page with the other. Nor should you. Every person is entitled to their own goals, dreams, plans, feelings, etc. The trick is to find someone who feels the same -- no ultimatums required (they never work BTW, as you have found out).

I was a 37 y.o. divorced mother of 2 small children when I met my husband, who was 40 at the time, so I can relate to you. The difference is that he really did share my goals, priorities, wants, needs and values. It made him happy to become a family, pool our money, buy a house together, share in household duties and the responsibilities of raising his step-children, become a step-father, become a husband for the first time. Did all that scare him? Sure, but it didn't stop him or even slow him down. Who doesn't get scared by such major life changes? That's normal. But... It's what he'd been looking for but never found the right person. So he was eager and enthusiastic about the changes. Years later, we couldn't be happier. I have learned that there's a world of difference between truly finding someone who's right for you (my second marriage) and being with a person you care about and love but with whom you don't share the same goals or ideas about what you want from life and/or the relationship (my first marriage). I'd like to offer that to you to think about. You can't find the right thing when you're stuck in the wrong thing (I learned that too). Do what's best for you AND your kids. Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 5:52pm
Three words for you -

Joy Luck Club


You are in an out-of-balance relationship especially financially. He's making you pay more because of your kids - I can understand that to a point, however, why doesn't he move back to his place? He's not ready for marriage then why is he with you?


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:32pm

Can you explain something?