Wishy washy guy...but like him a lot!
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Wishy washy guy...but like him a lot!
| Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:00am |
I have a dilemma and I hope that I can get some advice on it....
The story is- I have been dating this guy for about 1 month now...Maybe one month and a week. we are both 23. I am divorced with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. When we first met, he was very skeptical about dating me because of my daughter. He said from the beginning that we should take things slow...He would say things like "I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship....we should just take things slow and see how they develop"...Anyway, so we have been dating "slowly....VERY slowly" as in, we maybe talk on the phone once a week, text a couple times a week, and actually see eachother for a date once, MAYBE twice a week maximum. Friday night was actually our last date that we had....and during that date, we actually sat down and talked and HE actually initiated a conversation about our "relationship."
He started off by asking, "What do you tell your family and friends about what "we" are? What do you consider us?" and I replied back "Dating...what else would I tell them?" And then he replied "My friends and I were actually talking about this at work today...about the difference between "dating" and "seeing someone" and we all think that "seeing someone" is more exclusive...And then I asked what he considered to be "exclusive"...and he said "where two people are just dating one another, no one else"...and then I said "Well, I would consider US to be exclusive then, because I'm not dating anyone else"...and then he goes on to say "Well, you know you still have that option...you can date others" And I ask "so you are telling me its okay if I date others? you won't be jealous or care or anything?" and he said "no, I won't be...we've only been on like 6 dates...I am telling you its okay for you to see other people, and I consider it okay for ME to see other people too, but I doubt that will happen, because I have a hard time meeting girls, I'm actually lucky I even met you"...
So then he goes on to talk about how people at his work have been telling him that he needs to go on a vacation, so he has been looking at vacation packages...and then he says "but I wouldn't have anyone to go with, thats the problem" so I suggest that he go with his friends or family....He says he wouldnt want to go with any of them...the only person he would consider going with would be his brother, but that wouldn't work because his brother is in a serious relationship, he says. He says he really wants to go on vacation, but has no one to go with, basically. At this point, I don't know what he wants me to say! So finally I say, "Well, if we knew eachother better, maybe in a few months or something, I could go with you" and he says "Possibly, in the future"...and then he says "but I do think that we need to take our relationship really slowly" I tell him that I agree, and he says "You do? Why?" and I tell him because I got divorced about 6 months ago and I don't want to RUSH into anything right away, plus I think its smarter to go slow...(although it is hard!) and then I ask him why he wants to go slow and he says "Because I don't want to get married (right now) and I am not ready for the responsibilities that comes with a kid...that I consider myself a kid still too in a way, and when relationships progress, naturally people start spending the night together, and I wonder what will happen when we get really serious, to that point (of me spending the night) will my kid spend the night with us?" Basically- he is just really worried about having to take responsibility for my child. I tell him that my daughter is the most important person in my life, and will always be...so he has to accept that. He understands, he says. He knows that my child spends about half the time with her dad and I have plenty of freetime...I just don't know why he is so worried about this whole thing! He then says that he is happy with the arrangement that we have currently- seeing eachother about once a week. I ask him "you are?" in a put off voice (because I want to see eachother a bit more!) and he says "why, you arent? Do you want to see eacother maybe 2-3 nights a week instead?" and I say "whatever, anything is fine with me" (because I dont want to come off as too needy) And then pretty much our conversation is over because our movie is getting ready to start.
After that conversation, I admit that I was a little put off and worried about "where the relationship was going" and anxious/worried. I really do like this guy and want things to progress! He seems like he is a great guy this far-- He even tells me that I am the "perfect girl, besides having a kid"...I am just trying to give him time to possibly/hopefully adjust to my having a child. He hasn't met her yet...don't want to make that move prematurely either! Of course, my daughter comes first, and I wouldn't want anyone in her/my life that couldnt ultimately accept her! I just hope that HE can get to that point.
Anyway, after our movie was over, we went back to his house and watched TV, then were intimate with eachother (our second time).
When I was getting ready to leave (he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I declined) he asked me what I was "doing tomorrow" and I told him "No plans yet, but cleaning" and he said he wasn't doing anything, but he'd find something to do. I told him that if he got bored, to call me and we could hang out" he told me he'd call me before I had to go to work at 4. Well, he never called so I text messaged him, and he said he didn't wake up until 12:30. So we text back and forth a few times (mostly talking about my work and the weather) and then we stop. As far as I know, he went out last night with his friends (bars or something)...And I haven't heard from him since (it's now 10:30 PM on sunday night). He didn't contact me at all today, or last night either. But it's not really abnormal to not hear from him for a few days...especially since he wants our relationship to go so slow.
I just need some advice basically! I REALLY like this guy and want things to progress and work out-- but definitely don't want to scare him off! I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me. How long should I wait? I know that I don't want the relationship to go this slow for much longer, but then again I know we have only been dating for ONE month. Do you think his feelings could change on my having a child? Can he come to accept and embrace that? What do you think on him saying its okay for me to see other people? That worries me...Its kind of like he doesn't care! What do you all think??
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! THANKS SO MUCH in advance!
The story is- I have been dating this guy for about 1 month now...Maybe one month and a week. we are both 23. I am divorced with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. When we first met, he was very skeptical about dating me because of my daughter. He said from the beginning that we should take things slow...He would say things like "I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship....we should just take things slow and see how they develop"...Anyway, so we have been dating "slowly....VERY slowly" as in, we maybe talk on the phone once a week, text a couple times a week, and actually see eachother for a date once, MAYBE twice a week maximum. Friday night was actually our last date that we had....and during that date, we actually sat down and talked and HE actually initiated a conversation about our "relationship."
He started off by asking, "What do you tell your family and friends about what "we" are? What do you consider us?" and I replied back "Dating...what else would I tell them?" And then he replied "My friends and I were actually talking about this at work today...about the difference between "dating" and "seeing someone" and we all think that "seeing someone" is more exclusive...And then I asked what he considered to be "exclusive"...and he said "where two people are just dating one another, no one else"...and then I said "Well, I would consider US to be exclusive then, because I'm not dating anyone else"...and then he goes on to say "Well, you know you still have that option...you can date others" And I ask "so you are telling me its okay if I date others? you won't be jealous or care or anything?" and he said "no, I won't be...we've only been on like 6 dates...I am telling you its okay for you to see other people, and I consider it okay for ME to see other people too, but I doubt that will happen, because I have a hard time meeting girls, I'm actually lucky I even met you"...
So then he goes on to talk about how people at his work have been telling him that he needs to go on a vacation, so he has been looking at vacation packages...and then he says "but I wouldn't have anyone to go with, thats the problem" so I suggest that he go with his friends or family....He says he wouldnt want to go with any of them...the only person he would consider going with would be his brother, but that wouldn't work because his brother is in a serious relationship, he says. He says he really wants to go on vacation, but has no one to go with, basically. At this point, I don't know what he wants me to say! So finally I say, "Well, if we knew eachother better, maybe in a few months or something, I could go with you" and he says "Possibly, in the future"...and then he says "but I do think that we need to take our relationship really slowly" I tell him that I agree, and he says "You do? Why?" and I tell him because I got divorced about 6 months ago and I don't want to RUSH into anything right away, plus I think its smarter to go slow...(although it is hard!) and then I ask him why he wants to go slow and he says "Because I don't want to get married (right now) and I am not ready for the responsibilities that comes with a kid...that I consider myself a kid still too in a way, and when relationships progress, naturally people start spending the night together, and I wonder what will happen when we get really serious, to that point (of me spending the night) will my kid spend the night with us?" Basically- he is just really worried about having to take responsibility for my child. I tell him that my daughter is the most important person in my life, and will always be...so he has to accept that. He understands, he says. He knows that my child spends about half the time with her dad and I have plenty of freetime...I just don't know why he is so worried about this whole thing! He then says that he is happy with the arrangement that we have currently- seeing eachother about once a week. I ask him "you are?" in a put off voice (because I want to see eachother a bit more!) and he says "why, you arent? Do you want to see eacother maybe 2-3 nights a week instead?" and I say "whatever, anything is fine with me" (because I dont want to come off as too needy) And then pretty much our conversation is over because our movie is getting ready to start.
After that conversation, I admit that I was a little put off and worried about "where the relationship was going" and anxious/worried. I really do like this guy and want things to progress! He seems like he is a great guy this far-- He even tells me that I am the "perfect girl, besides having a kid"...I am just trying to give him time to possibly/hopefully adjust to my having a child. He hasn't met her yet...don't want to make that move prematurely either! Of course, my daughter comes first, and I wouldn't want anyone in her/my life that couldnt ultimately accept her! I just hope that HE can get to that point.
Anyway, after our movie was over, we went back to his house and watched TV, then were intimate with eachother (our second time).
When I was getting ready to leave (he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I declined) he asked me what I was "doing tomorrow" and I told him "No plans yet, but cleaning" and he said he wasn't doing anything, but he'd find something to do. I told him that if he got bored, to call me and we could hang out" he told me he'd call me before I had to go to work at 4. Well, he never called so I text messaged him, and he said he didn't wake up until 12:30. So we text back and forth a few times (mostly talking about my work and the weather) and then we stop. As far as I know, he went out last night with his friends (bars or something)...And I haven't heard from him since (it's now 10:30 PM on sunday night). He didn't contact me at all today, or last night either. But it's not really abnormal to not hear from him for a few days...especially since he wants our relationship to go so slow.
I just need some advice basically! I REALLY like this guy and want things to progress and work out-- but definitely don't want to scare him off! I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me. How long should I wait? I know that I don't want the relationship to go this slow for much longer, but then again I know we have only been dating for ONE month. Do you think his feelings could change on my having a child? Can he come to accept and embrace that? What do you think on him saying its okay for me to see other people? That worries me...Its kind of like he doesn't care! What do you all think??
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! THANKS SO MUCH in advance!

You say he's wishy washy, but you're being wishy washy too. You're so afraid to say the wrong thing that you say nothing. Because you're not saying anything, he's got no idea who you really are and what you want from a relationship.
I understand that you don't want to scare him off, but hon, if a guy really likes you he won't scare off that easily.
Having said that, I don't think he's very keen on persuing a relationship with you. The reason he told you it's OK to see others is because HE wants to see others. He wants to find a woman who has no children and is a better match for him.
For arguements sake, imagine that you're still seeing him in a years time. He's grudginly accepted you have a daughter. But your daughter gets sick and you have to cancel a date. Or your ex moves away and you find yourself sole carer. How will he cope? If he's not happy about it, are you still going to be pussyfooting around him?
Start being honest with yourself and with him. Don't be afraid to say what you want. If he doesn't like what he hears, then he's not the bloke for you.
Not only that, but doesn't your daughter deserve a stepfather who wants her?
Welcome to the board browneyedmama2007,
It my opinion, he said it was okay for you to date other people because he wants the option to date someone else if she comes along.
I would continue to talk things slow with him because he seems pretty freaked out that you have a child. He is not ready for that right now and it seems doubtful that will change in a couple of months.
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