At Wit's End

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
At Wit's End
8
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:11pm
Hi. I am new to this board and to this site. I really need some advice about my marriage. I am 41 years old and have been married for 18 years. We have three children, 14, 12 and 9. I met my husband in college. We seem to have a Jekyl and Hyde relationship. When things are good, they are really good - great, in fact. He makes me laugh, we see eye to eye, we're a team come good or bad. But lately - getting worse over the last two years - things are more bad than good, and I can't figure out why. It seems to me that we are engaged in a serious power struggle. He is two years older than me, and financially successful, and he's a smart guy. I am more educated than he is, and have the potential to be more financially successful than him, but I chose to leave my career to stay home full-time with our children 9 years ago. Things didn't change so much - I was always responsible for the majority of the childcare and the household duties - but I felt as if he was enjoying treating me as an inferior, whereas before I think he felt threatened by the fact that I was out there in the world, and he saw me as competition. Anyway, we adjusted back then, but over the years I feel as if he is constantly belittling me, in the name of "just kidding". It's become worse because about five years ago be became able to work from home. I feel like the wives I hear whose husbands are retired after long years of working - he's always here, wandering in at his convenience to ask what I'm doing, and criticize how I'm doing it, and tell me how I should do it, and then he's off again, to do his own thing. When he is working, his space is inviolate. If I'm in his office, I have to be quiet. If the kids happen to be home and make noise, he goes nuts ( let me add that he has his own business, so he is the boss). But those rules only apply to him - he is free to interrupt any of us at any time, no matter what we're doing. He wants to know where I am all the time - not out of jealousy, just because he does. I feel like a prisoner in my own home - and resentful none of these rules and conditions apply to him. He comes and goes when he pleases, talks to whomever he wants, when he wants, and pretty much has complete freedom. If he wants to coach one of the kids' teams, he makes time. If there's a project I want done in the house or the yard, he has to work. I feel that his work is his excuse, and I feel tied to the house. I don't mind being domestic, I like having a nice, welcoming home, I like to cook and to take care of my husband and kids - but not when I'm being told how and when and where, as if I know nothing and can't take care of myself. I'm angry and resentful most of the time, which gives him reason to call me a witch (or worse). He just doesn't see a problem here. When I try to talk to him about it, he tries to make it into a joke. If I don't let him get away with that, he basically tells me that it's my problem, that he doesn't have a problem and that he doesn't know what he can do. The criticism probably is what makes me the craziest, especially now that I hear him constantly telling not only me but our kids how to do everything "right". I understand that teaching your children is part of parenting but this is stifling, and they are all complaining as well. I fear that the tension between me and my husband is affecting our ability to parent well, as I can't support him being so critical and the kids are catching on to that. Any suggestions? I would appreciate any feedback at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 10:09am

You can't go around "playing a role" at Oscar winning levels night after night.

What thoughts does that bring up?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 10:40am

I think you should try marriage counseling (if your husband would agree to it). He sounds a little tyrannical and I understand that personality very well - my mother was and is still like that and it is very difficult to have a fair discussion with a person like that - better to engage a neutral third party to make sure that you are fighting/discussing fairly.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that you should tell your husband to be very careful about constantly criticizing the children and making them wrong about everything - it will lead to self-esteem problems later in life because they will feel like their best is not good enough/they are not good enough - be very careful there - my mother never gave any kind of positive affirmation and was very critical, constantly sending the message that I could do/be/look better - it led to quite a bit of needless suffering. Being overly critical is not good for a child's self-image and not an effective way to raise an emotinally healthy adult.

Good luck.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 6:14pm
I'm not sure if I get it, but something is ringing true here. Am I giving up my life - my self - for him? That's sure how I feel. I feel as if my life is pointless and purposeless. Not that being home and raising kids is pointless and purposeless. More like being constantly corrected and criticized has completely eroded my self-confidence to the point where I feel like I am pointless and purposeless. Is that what you mean? If it is, I agree. And realizing that makes me feel stronger already. But what do I do to keep moving in the right direction? He's really not a bad guy - he just has a tendency to be domineering, and controlling, which comes directly from his mother. I get along with her fine, in small doses. On a daily basis she would make me crazy. The older he gets, and the more tense his life is, the more I see these traits. But understanding him doesn't make my life better. Am I on the right track here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 6:32pm

It doesn't matter why he is like he is - it's that he is like he is.......and it's your perception of it that is determining your actions and feelings.

Being a mother, being a wife, being a daughter, employee and friend - those are all "roles' you play in life. They have obligations and they have benefits - but they're roles. They're not "who you are".

If you relegate yourself to only playing roles switching out intermittently but continouosly so that you always have something to do, somewhere to be, someone to be with, and some obligation to meet or disstraction to temporarily entrance you - there is no "you".

Basically, if at your eulogy what is going to be remembered is how promptly you always had dinner on the table, and how diligent you were about keeping up with the laundry, and how you always had the paperwork filed on time at the office - you're nothing but a 'service provider'.

And that gets old....becuase in relationships of inequality - which is what purchaser to provider is......you're never going to "feel" like you're important.

Important to note: Feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. They're a result of your perception of self, in light of your goals, in the situation at hand. So feelings result from your thoughts....and they're ever changing since situations are constantly changing with actions, decisions and words - only a small fraction of which are yours.

So you can't ever use feelings and say "something is wrong here"....no. But you can take the feelings and find the "thoughts" from which they stem....and you easily might find out WHAT is wrong....vs. some elusive something that has you seeking another responsibility or distraction or option.

No individual was ever meant to be a service provider as a sole source ofidentity. No person was ever meant to live vicariously through relationships - so that those that they serve, guide, protect, and make sacrifices for have victories - which become yours to revel in....and have mistakes - which are seen as your grevious flaws, which you "feel" cmopelled to fix or to eliminate the results of in a dysfunctional manner.

Believe me...everything you hear every day is peppered with "your perception of you"....I know - one day in a position of extreme physical peril - I almost ended my life by choice - trying to prove to someone I was sure was "insulting" me for the millionth time that I was as "incapable as he thought".

What Iheard him say prior to almost taking that fatal step was "you're too stupid to do this, you might as well go back to doing what I say"...which prompted me in a fit of anger and rebellion to decide to "show him how incapable I was and makehim sorry he said that."

Right before that fatal step.....I was given a miracle....and I again heard his statement - but without my self-image injected into his words. All the man had said was a fact...it was simply "if you can't do this particular skill, you can't go solo."

At that moment..upon hearing that "fact" without self-inflicted negativity - I realized he was quite right. If I could not learn this particular skill then being out here on my own in mother nature with only me to protect me and to guide me was an impossibility.

In that moment, I asked myself honestly for the first time DID I WANT TO PURSUE THIS SPORT? Up to then, it had been "I must pursue this sport to impress him and get equality."

At that moment,I decided that I did indeed want to do this for myself....and I took his factual statement for what it was, and learned from it a great deal. From that day forward I never again have heard "self-injected self-negativity" in any statement from anybody - I've filtered it out - to utilize the facts approriately, to learn from the opinions per my own standards and goals and needs.

I found out that day that for 6 years the man had NOT been insulting me intentionally like I had assumed, and been responding in kind to. However, he found ou that having a wife that now had a goal and focus and purpose - was a little too overwhelming for him. He wasn't interested in that which he couldn't control...and he'd never had to insult me to control me - I was busy insulting myself. When I stopped doing it - he "lost control" and I pursued my goals which were the same as on that day. He never could understand how things go "so out of hand"....and how I became so successful so quick.

IT was easy...I got goals, I assessed facts, I never lost sight of my personal identity and individality - and within that - I have become a much better everything else in every role I play. And the itme spent "being me" is also given lots of priority.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 6:35pm
I agree. He can be tyrannical and domineering, and those traits come directly from his mother, and before her, his grandmother (his mother's mother). I notice it more when he is stressed or angry about something. Controlling everyone and everything seems to be a coping mechanism - but it makes my life, and my children's lives, miserable. They have me as a buffer - I immediately point out, calmly, at least at first, when his behavior or his comments toward them are unreasonable. I do agree with you that this can damage their self-esteem, which is why I try to be an advocate for them, but again, it doesn't do much for the husband-wife relationship, nor does it do much for the parent-child relationship. They are losing respect for him, and he is blaming me for undermining him. When he chills out, he can be a great father, and he is great with other people's kids because he doesn't expect perfectionism out of them. So, anyhow, I'm not sure where this leaves me, but counseling may be an answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 11:53am

Erin,

Wow, talk about a lightbulb moment. What you have said just resonates with me so totally. I've been so caught up in being everything to everyone else, there's no me left anymore. No wonder I feel so miserable - it's like I'm dead inside. There are lots of things that I do that I like to do, and some that I love to do - but I can't remember the last time that I did something JUST FOR ME, because it was something I loved and wanted to do. I'm forever "on call" to everyone else. Having someone "tag along" all the time, whether it be a husband or a child or someone else, takes away from my ability to do for me. And I understand that that's not selfish, that being at peace with me makes me more able to be there for others. What I'm missing now is how to rediscover me. I guess, like many people, I'm afraid of change. But I think I need this change, and I need it now. Any advice?

Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 4:22pm

Can you do your career part time? Or whatever it was you were educated in? Contributing financially also helps to make me feel like I don't have to cower and give in.

About the domineering stuff, I speak back to it every time (well, not every time). Not apologizing, but stating clearly and unequivocally at the time that it happens that he is being overly critical and he can't take his stress out on you. It's not acceptable.

What are some things he could do to reduce his stress? In other words, put his stress back on HIM... not mean or bitter. "Honey, do you need to take a run or go to the gym?" "Hire a secretary or an accountant a couple hours a week?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:21pm
Start by figuring out in general terms - what you do and do not control.......and where you'd like to be in 5 years.

then get back with me.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com