Woman in cave...questioning relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Woman in cave...questioning relationship
1
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:52pm

Hello everyone,

I would very much appreciate getting some kind of feedback regarding my current difficulties with a very wonderful woman. A woman's perspective would be particularly appreciated. I was separated from my wife and divorced almost two years ago. Although it was painful, I learned much about myself, did the necessary work, and moved towards meeting a new partner. After listing myself on an internet site within months of my separation, I found that the first woman I met was particularly interesting. She lived, however, in a different city that required a two hour airplane trip. While I communicated and dated a number of women locally throughout the subsequent year, we continued to communicate fairly regularly by email and phone. Throughout this period, I was not particularly interested in getting into a long-distance relationship, but nonetheless found that I had an excellent rapport with this woman. After a year of searching locally, it began to occur to me that this woman, compared to those I had met, was very different from the rest. I began to pay more attention to her, and within a matter of weeks, after many hours of phone conversations, we decided to meet in person. We had much in common, and had built a very solid friendship on the phone over the course of an entire year. Once we met, we fell in love with one another, and found that the compatibility and love for one another extended to all levels. We continued to visit one another in the subsequent months. I can say without reservation that our intense feelings of love for one another were entirely mutual. For the first time in my life (47 years old), I found that I could love a woman completely for who she is. She felt the same about me.

About three months after we had begun our relationship, I was confronted with an enormous burden of work in my business. On my last trip to see her, in May, I found myself feeling that the distance obstacle was somewhat difficult to deal with. Although I don't fully understand my own feelings at the time, they involved a combination of stress over work, a feeling of needing to be home, uncertainty about where the relationship would go, etc. As was the case in previous relationships, I began questioning whether I could continue, although I loved her dearly. Unfortunately, instead of talking about it with her (a scary thing for me to bring up), I began to withdraw somewhat. She could tell that something had changed, that I wasn't responding to her emails that questioned what was happening, and that I was reluctant to talk about it with her on the phone (except to say that I was very stressed with work). Obviously, she was shaken to the core, and spent a week or two agonizing over what could possibly be happening. She finally confronted me on the phone, and I tried to tell her as honestly as I could that I was having problems with the distance, with being away from home, etc. While she tried to allow me to back out of the situation, I declined at the time. After that phone call, we each felt better, and I made much more of an effort to contact her regularly, and let her know that I loved her. Another complicating factor that occurred at the same time was her only daughter's impending wedding in Boston. She had invited me, but knowing that my work schedule would make the trip difficult, and feeling my uncertainties about the distance, I regrettably declined. She was very hurt, but gradually began to accept my decision.

In the meantime, I was preparing to leave for a two week, work-related trip abroad, at the end of June, and during early July. While I was preparing for this trip, we seemed to be gradually getting closer to one another again. When I left, she was sad that I wouldn't be able to contact her every day. While I was abroad, I did make an effort to either send an email, or to call her on the telephone every day. She always seemed to be pleased to hear from me, and continued to express her looking forward to the day I would return, so that we could talk again daily. While I was traveling, I had lots of time to think about her, and our relationship. It became very clear to me that my love for this woman was profound, that I had finally met someone to whom I was willing to give of myself completely, to love unconditionally. I felt that no matter the distance, our relationship was worth preserving, and that I would make every effort to be there for her, to meet her needs, and to make a deep and lasting commitment. Up until the moment I got home, she seemed genuinely happy to hear from me.

Once I arrived home, however, things began to change. At work, she was worked two positions while they searched for a new employee, basically working 10 hour days. I made it clear that I wanted to go to her daughter's wedding with her, only two weeks away. She reacted poorly to this suggestion, and would never give me more than 5-10 minutes on the phone, always claiming busyness, fatigue, and stress. WE had previously enjoyed numerous, lengthy, and loving phone calls each day. I relented on attending the wedding, but made it very clear to her how I felt about our relationship and my commitment to our future. She continued to keep me at a distance, right up to her departure for the wedding. In the meantime, I began to panic, seeking more and more the reassurance that everything was OK. She told me it was, that she wanted to visit me several weeks after the wedding, and that she would spend more time talking to me after the wedding. She also told me that she didn't have the time to think about us, and was unsure where things were going. She left for the wedding – I called her a few times to see how it was going, trying to give her as much space as she needed to go through what was for her a singly emotional event. She promised to talk at greater length once the wedding was over.

Well, she is now spending a few days after the wedding with a childhood friend on the east coast. We did talk two nights ago, and she is suddenly very uncertain about continuing the relationship. She has told me that she loves me deeply, that I am a beautiful man, but she doesn't know if we can make it work. The reasons she cites include: she doesn't know if she wants to move to be with me (she lives with her mother, and is in the same town as her son), she doesn't want me to move there (because I have three children that are with me half of the time, and I stated before that I didn't think I could live in the part of the country where she resides), and that the distance was also hard for her (although we manged well before with visits every two weeks, daily phone calls, and emails). My instinctual interpretation is that she has withstood considerable emotional shock, involving the episode with myself, as well as her daughter moving on to a new phase of her life. I think that, a large component may be her distrust of my own feelings toward her, and that I might back away again. I can say with certainty that she does love me deeply, that she would agree that we are extremely well suited to one another, and that we have had a deep, passionate relationship, where we connect emotionally, intellectually, and physically. On the phone the another night, I asked if she just wanted me to stop calling her. She was distressed by this thought, and was comforted somewhat by my telling her I would never abandon her emotionally again. She couldn't tell me outright that she wanted it to end, but is unable to say where it will go. She seems to have a not very positive forecast for the future. She wants a week to think about things. At this point, I am very distressed, broken hearted, angry with myself for having withdrawn from her in the first place, and in great fear of losing a woman that I love completely. I am having a very hard time understanding her simultaneous statement of love for me, yet an unwillingness to commit to anything, much less to get together anytime soon. It has been an incredible reversal, and I'm not sure where it will go. I am trying to give her some space, to not call her while she is on the east coast. At the same time, I continue to send her emails, trying to tell her how much I love her, and reassuring her that I will not pull away again, but will communicate with her about my concerns. I have told her that she will always know when we see other next, that I will commit to once again visiting every two weeks. My feelings are very certain about what I want, but she says she is not in the same place as I am, but acknowledges that it is possible, though perhaps not likely, that she will get there too. I don't know what the best course is at this point – whether to call her once she gets home soon, to send flowers, to continue sending emails, or what. I don't want to disappear, but feel like I need to keep up some minimum amount of contact to let her know that I feel for her, will wait for her, and want her in my life. While I am not perfect, I am a fairly evolved man and am honest, open, and loving. I have always told her how much I love her, how happy I am that she is in my life, and that she meets so many of my needs. I think there are a lot of women who would love to have me in their life, and I am finding it difficult to comprehend how she could be shutting me out right now. Some insight and possible advice would be so much appreciated. I thank in advance anyone who takes the time to read this posting, and to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:00pm

'she doesn't know if she wants to move to be with me ....I didn't think I could live in the part of the country where she resides'

Honestly then how could the relationship move to the next level? Does she want to get married?

'I think there are a lot of women who would love to have me in their life,'

Yes I am sure this is true but they would need you IN their life not on weekends, email and phone. It sounds like each of you needs to stay where you are for good reason.




Edited 8/1/2007 9:01 pm ET by ciao__gina