Woman with Crush on DH driving me Nuts
Find a Conversation
Woman with Crush on DH driving me Nuts
| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 9:26am |
This is both a second marriage for my DH and I. We both had self-esteem issues that we worked on before getting married and had a wonderful long dating/engagement period. We decided to get married and get PG on the honeymoon (we're getting older and want children, so there is a time issue). It worked! I'm still PG, but really near the end and we are waiting for our little bundle of joy. After 3 months of marriage and 3 months of SERIOUS illness from the PG, my DH introduced me to a 'friend' at work (woman, closer to his age, divorced with 2 young adult children); she works for him, has a professional title and is middle management. They seemed to have a lot in common and I was fine with it, until she made a comment. "Oh, this is the absentmindedness you were talking about." And another derogatory 'inside joke' at my expense. Of course this didn't sit well with me. So, I told DH that I didn't appreciate this and what was going on with him and this woman. 'Nothing...nothing....blah, blah.' The morning sickness gets better and by the 5th month, we are back to our normal routines and feeling good. Around this time, 'she' seems implanted in many of our conversations at home. Work employs over 800 people. He knows what kind of car she drives and she him. He knows LOTS of things about her that make me REALLY suspicious. And then he broke the camel's back. We were invited to a social function from another person at his office via the mail (addressed to he and I). My DH told me that this woman at his office and he had decided that 'they' did not want to go and that 'this woman' was going to send a flower arrangement with 'thier' apologies for not going!!!! Excuse me? Was she on the invitation? How in the WORLD did this happen? My DH and I had it out. I told him that this was TOTALLY inappropriate and how DARE he not only consult some other person about our social life, but MAKE DECISIONS about our social life with another woman-and then tell ME what they had decided. Of course he was all defensive and assumed I was accusing him. We did not settle anything, so I called the woman the next work day and told her that DH had told me what a nice idea to send a gift with apologies for not going to a party and would she like to send the gift or should I? To which, this woman replied, "is it inappropriate?" Gee, you wonder? I told her that I believed that DH and I should send our own gift and since she was so helpful in offering to send the gift, why not send two? She flatly refused. So, I thanked her again for being thoughtful and then invited her over for dinner in a month. GRRRRRR. I called my DH two times and left messages in order to tell him what I had done, so he would talk directly with me. He did not return my calls and she, of course, told him that I had called and what was decided. He, of course, was upset but after a month of several discussions FINALLY agreed that what she was doing was inappropriate and that he was wrong to not only allow this behavior, but contribute by not setting boundaries. Plus, I firmly believed that if this behavior continued, our relationship would be over and if that was his choice, then so be it, I was not going to put up with this. She came to dinner with her daughter and was nice. We had another couple for a buffer. It was so plain that she was infactuated with him, blushing, saying that she could get used to things when he was being his normal gentlemanly self by passing coffee or serving things. UGH! HOW is this appropriate for a WORK relationship? The conversations about her started to stop. DH started to talk with me once again about all of his daily stuff. We went to another work function 2 months ago and she asked to 'tag along' with us; DH told me that she would and I said that I was trying to work on her being BOTH of our friends, since he insisted that he never wanted anything more than a friend and that I would try. She was upset because DH said he was going to wear more casual clothes and he and I dressed more business casual. She then asked him to get her a drink and he brought it to the table where ALL of us were sitting, rather than cater to her. We had a nice time talking to everyone. She protested in the corner and NEVER came to the table the entire night. I was proud of my DH and wondered what was going to happen next. But, of course, she had to walk with us to our car and tried to edge in between DH and I. DH held my arm and I made sure she was always first...age before beauty you know. ;o) Things have gotten better with DH and I, more talking and more time together; now when she is brought up in conversations he downplays things and looks at me cautiously. Well last week we had the last of the work functions for me for a while and OF COURSE she is there. Not only is she there, but sits next to my DH at dinner (no assigned seating). I had a great conversation with another couple sitting next to me and DH took opportunities to join our conversation, put his arm around me and all that normal couple stuff. Everything was fine (no strangeness and I thought....good, we've gotten over this) until DH asks for coffee and she takes on a role of significant other with this coffee business. DH ends up with 3 cups of coffee. It's ridiculous! She doesn't act this way with any other man at the office. The other guy sitting right next to her, whom she works closely with was treated like he was invisible. DRIVING ME NUTS! It was a dinner/dance and so DH was going to get up to go talk with some other people that he knew and so I asked if he wanted me to come along. We did and as we got up, she was startled asking if we were going to leave. I told her no, that we were going to say hello to people that we knew and would be back to say our goodbye's. When we made our rounds back she was not very happy and leaving herself. We say goodbye and then say goodbye to everyone else. She always hugs my DH and she hugs me too....so Whatever!
Besides what I am doing.....what else can I do to alleviate some of this annoying crush from his co-worker? I will have the baby soon and think that it is just aweful that I have to be concerned that when my DH and I will be most vulnerable (crying new baby, no sleep, lots of stress), this woman will swoop in again with her insatiable crush and suck the good stuff out of my DH. Instead of him having his kudos at home, he'll be happy to get them from her. Any ideas would be welcome.
Really not liking this woman.

Pages
Self-esteem and self-confidence are two entirely separate issues.
Self-esteem is when you accept, understand, like, admire, appreciate, respect, and ultimately prioritize your life with your 'self-esteem" in mind. It's what you think of you - based on how you conduct yourself at all times.
If you like and admire and trust you....you don't need lots of other people "doing it for you."
Self-confidence is when other people give you applause, approval, affirmation, acceptance, admiration, or appreciate for "a commodity that you possess or a benefit that you provide". Flirtation....inspires self-confidence - because it is someone thinking that you're intelligent or attractive or hot....and they're conveying that to you. You like how that makes you feel - and you "flirt back"...and the dance continues.
But there is no self-esteem issue in flirtation. People with self-esteem know their own boundaries and goals and standards - and don't violate them...their self-esteem would suffer if they did.
People without self-esteem - simply know that self-confidence which is inspired and created by others in them...is overcoming temporarily the self-fear, self-loathing,a dn self-recrimination that they have as a dialogue 24/7 in their subconscious mind.
And self-confidence is like booze or drugs or coffee or shopping.....the second that you have it and you're subbing it in for self-esteem - the more of you want, demand, seek and require in order to remain "calm".
Finally, you like yourself because this person admires you - and you don't care whether they like you because of who you are as a person..or becuase you're so attractive...or because you're loaded with bucks.
And all you know is how thier approval of you - makes you feel about yourself - and you'll stop at nothing to get that approval - it makes you like you and you have no self-generated source of acceptance and approval and affirmation and admiration.
The woman is not the problem.......anybody that EVER bats her eyes, or slaps him on the back and says "good job buddy" is going to have a "puppy friend for life". No far will be too far, nothing will be too excessive or too much - to get interaction with this person - because of how it makes him feel about himself.
She's not going to stop her approval of him...it makes him pant, and dance, and do the puppet string mambo - and that makes her think 'wow, I AM SO ALL THAT"......
And he's not going to stop dancing, panting, including her and excluding you - he's incomplete, insecure, immature, and emotionally driven....and whatever or whoever makes him feel good about himself in this moment in time - that is who has his riveted attention. With any other source being used to fill int he cracks.
IF she decides that he's not all that, and that she really doesn't respect him because he's a puppet and a puppy....she'll distain him - and he'll run back to you posthaste with every worshipful phrase and adoring gaze he possesses - till somene else comes along, offers up some approval - and he'll be off like a shot.
Without self-esteem - you cannot like, accept, admire or understand anybody as an individual. YOu only know what they offer you that you want/need...or what they inflict on you that you don't want/need and are avoiding at all costs.
Neither of you chose one another out of "I admire and respect you because of the values you hold, the character you display, the successes you've had that speak to your integrity and your standards."
You got with each other because the approval and attention and admiration each had you "feeling so good about yourselves" - that you couldn't get enough interaction with them.
There was no thought about the reality based fact....what a person does with and for you - they'll do to you....becuase YOU are not the entity that determines their values that justifies thier actions - they are.
He's doing to her...what he did with you...and what he''ll do ad infinitum until he self-actualizes....same with you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Make a list of every situation, relationship, opportunity, option, event, or circumstance in your life by that your definition "failed" to meet your expectations - in light whatever you did that you were sure would result in you getting what you wanted or needed, were pursuing or expected.
Short or long, the list is your "series" of unmet needs, unmet expectations, unmet desires - that you honestly expected due to these situations or relationships or circumstances existing in your life at the time would now be "met" and a non-issue.
Accept there is one common denominator in that list - one entity remains the same, one detail never changes, one administrator has always been in charge of the goals, the plan of action, the actions themselves, the thinking process, and the emotional association vocabulary.....that person is you.
When you see it from that vantage point - what you're going to see is that you've been looking to get the same needs met - in a variety of venues and circumstances and relationships.
Those needs are never met - no matter where you go or what you do - and that is because "no matter where YOU go, there YOU are".
And one of two things is a fact in all those situations - either you reasoned dysfunctionally, you assessed facts incorrrectly - so the actions/decisions/words that you took could never have resulted in your needs being met....or you didn't know what need you were trying to meet and thus were just seeking distraction and diversion as a means of avoidance of your "discontent".
If what you find is that you've been assessing facts incorrectly, or you've been using feelings as facts, goals, or calls to action in a dysfunctional reasoning process - you have to step out of that pattern in order to get the results you want. That'll result in great emotional distress - despite you achieving the results that you do want, and you'll have to become accustomed to being able to accomplish what you want to accomplish - but by different methods than which your'e currently comfortable. By learning to prioritize "the results" over the method - and utilizing the method which unnerves or disconcerts you while still getting you the desired results - you'll become comfortable with the method, eliminate th eemotional unrest...and your results in life will be what you want and need and expect - and are yours to create in any venue of your choosing. Tehre is security in that position of self - and you'll stop seeking it from others.
If you find that you've been prioritizing feelings as if they're facts, goals, and calls to action...that you've never had any substantial and elemental needs identified, defined and pursued - you again have o change the modus operandi by which you operate in life - so that you meet your own needs appropriately - and what you expect and desire from others - isn't a necessity, can be lived without - and that leaves you free to assess their character from a position of objective self-awareness and self-responsibility.
It's not about perfection......it's simply about understanding yourself and rather than eternally asking 'why" does someone else do what they do or want what they want...asking yourself - why do I do what I do and what I do want...and then taking responsiblity for getting it appropriately within your values and standards and efforts.
It's just in this original posters case...I've been her...married to him. And I was her married to himm....because I was "him" in the sense of lack of self-esteem. That had me rebounding through four failed marriages, destroying a child, etc. etc. Given that she is bringing a child into th eworld...it is imperative to realize that acceptance of the facts, while having goals - realizing that feelings will always be resulting from situations and never in short supply - is imperative.
Acceptance doesn't require or eliminate the option to "like or dislike" the facts. Acceptance is just a refusal to deny the facts as they are and work within them as they are - in order to achieve your desired realistic goals and results.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I believe that positive feedback is the best answer to situations like this. Telling a super-pregnant-overly-hormonal woman that she is a fool, and then going on a lengthy tangent about how her husband likes attention & will get it anywhere and excude her... is not exactly the *footnote* she was looking for or needs from your novel.
1) her husband clearly does not exclude her and 2) she is not a fool, she is a hormonal pregnant woman experiencing natural insecurities and frustrations during a sensitive time in her life.
As you have replied to a few of my posts, I find alot of your remarks very negative and often wonder how/why you contain such a negative outlook on life and all life's situations?
DH and i went through a huge ordeal with his bachelor party... and I'd never make excuses for that kind of behavior, nor will I dismiss the pain I felt with *realizations* that I'm needy and insecure. I thank you for your reply and the time you put in to respond to me, but I almost wanted to reply back as I was sincerely insulted by the negative response you made stating things that my husband is selfish, and has no consideration for me and that I am ignorant for staying with him. etc etc. apologies that during a time of emotional stress that i did not add in the WONDERFUL qualities he has, and what, infact, a good man is IS as well as ALL the support and help he gives in my illnesses so on and so on. One mistake does not warrant a divorce.
a woman who has stressed feelings about an alleged crush from a woman onto her H does not make her a fool either.
i see your responses to alot of poeple... many posts... on these boards, and I am overwhelmed with how much thought and time you put into each one. But i am dismayed and so often taken aback how EVERY one of your responses is negative and filled with "he doesnt love you... he doesnt care about you... wake up and smell the coffee... get some self esteem... get some confidence... youre a fool for staying" etc etc... and I admit that many poeple SHOULD hear things like that. but after ALL of your marraiges I assume only that you have grown VERY BITTER about relationships and it is reflecting brightly in all of your posts.
i just wanted to say something as i felt this was a good time.
This woman does not lack confidence or esteem... she's PREGNANT. and her husband loves her dearly. thats it! this co-worker is nothing to be concerned about.
my 2 cents.
How sad for you. He had no business sharing intimate, personal information about you, your absentmindedness with her. He was busy building an intimate, emotional bond with her, no wonder she fell in love with him.
Reading material:
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
You claim he loves her dearly - but excludes her and disregards her communication about her feelings.
That doesn't add up.
Basically, I never address someone emotional state or status quo. Feelings are the secondary issue - they're a result of perception of self in light of goals and expectations and the situations at hand are the conduit by which you "acknowledge' your feelings. In short - if you couldn't think - you couldn't feel. So when your perception is changed...so are your feelings in that very same situation.
I think you hear "he doesn't love you" - in so many of the posts becuase your evidences and definitions of love aren't found in the details of the post.
As someone pointed out to me...that opened windows in my world......about my last ex husband as his statement that he loved me very much and simply wanted his wife back would send me over the edge and gripping the chair trying to restrain my anger or words. "He does love you very much, just the way you were. His idea of a great relationship is precisely the one you had when you two met and were together the first 6 years during your dysfunctionality and your descent into addiction. You adored everything he said, you prioritized everything he wanted, you considered his feelings and his needs your responsiblity and your goals to meet. He was your world. He sought that - you sought that. That is the dynamic in which you two met. Your shared the "definition" of relationship at that time was of a one-sided, inequality based dynamic. You slid into the pit of addiction being so unimportant to you - that your needs, your communication, your desires, your goals were irrelevant to him. Don't sit there gripping that chair wanting to scream "liar" at him regarding his statement. He does "want his wife back" - the one he had that never opposed him, and who was his whipping post, scapegoat, provider, and facilitator so taht he had no problems in life. Dear Lord, get objective, you do that very well. When you two met - he was your world...and he doesn't want anything except a relationship where his needs, wants, goals, and demands are all that is prioritized, adhered to and met. Aren't you glad, doesn't it make you want to get down on your knees and thank God...that you have mature, become more complete, self-responsible and self-accepting so that this is no longer your idea of a "great relationship"? I'm sure it does. But the man is not a liar. This simply is him wanting what he wants, and for 6 of the 8 years, you were a source of it and he wants it back. Whether he gts it - that's up to you. And obviously he will not, as you believe taht your sobriety, happiness, success, and security is at stake and requires you to be approriately value oriented, goal focused, self-aware, and responsiblity driven."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
you said: "You claim he loves her dearly - but excludes her and disregards her communication about her feelings. "
Erin- I never said that. I said he CLEARLY does NOT exclude her and I never brought up communication. but yes,
I forgot to add a repsonse to this remark : "I think you hear "he doesn't love you" - in so many of the posts becuase your evidences and definitions of love aren't found in the details of the post."
I am not protesting "against" any definition, nor am I *looking* for a definition in love. What i DO look for in the details of responses is ENCOURAGEMENT.
in attempts to refrain any "definition"... "Love" is something that makes you want to work it out, "love", without definition, brings two poeple together... and all of your posts are only suggestions of why two poeple should be apart, and why it WON'T work.
you stress on all the things negative and bad about love and relationships ... instead of trying to enlighten and bring out the good.
that was my point.
I second that motion. Here here! Lol. Sara, I just wanted to say that I appriciate what you write to people, even if they aren't my problems they do help me see things different ways. :) I know that some of my posts have been a bit negative, and I do usually end up apoligizing and trying to distribute some positive feedback and I think it's because YOUR responses make me realize how hurtful I can be to myself and other people when I am cynical.
*To the original poster, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm only 20 and I have all ready gone through something like this in my marriage. It was a girl at his school who was a waitress at a sleezy strip club and had 3 little ones and couldn't stop crying to and hanging on to my husband. After 2 semesters of suspicion and headache's he ended up changing his class time so they wouldn't be in contact. Unfortunately this is your husbands job and he can't change it up like that. I do think the problem IS her and I think you are brave because most women just forbid their husbands from talking to this kind of woman, and that, in my experience, only makes them do it more. The fact that you make sure you are in their "little circle" is probably a really smart thing. Sorry I don't have advice. I hope things work out great for you and your new family.
Lindsay
Edited 10/20/2004 6:07 pm ET ET by lynmusic
Pages