woman w/ 2 little kids wants Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
woman w/ 2 little kids wants Divorce
2
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:44am
I am posting here b/c my close friend called me today and told me she wants to get a divorce. I am shocked. They have been married for 5 years and have a 3yr old and a 2 yr old.

My friend asked me for advice and when I gave it to her it was no help so I thought someone on here could give additional thoughts that I wasn't able to think of.

here's the situation from her POV:

Her husband isn't physically abusive to her and the kids. But he sleeps a lot. SHe said he never does any chores in the house and she is responsible for taking care of the kids. They both work as nurses so they do the 12 hour shifts and even on his days off, when she gets home from work, he expects her to clean the house and do "everything".

She says he treats her like his mom and will even wake her up when she is sleeping after her long shift to ask her to find his belt or his pants.

She said he is not romantic and he won't change.

She said he has complete control of the $$ and acts like they never have enough for an evening out for the 2 of them, but then he will turn around and buy gagdets for his comp or camera.

They use to be very sexual, but she says it has now been 3 weeks without sex and her husband has not even tried to start anything and now she is feeling bitter about all the other issues so she has no desire anyway.

OF course after hearing all this, I asked did you try to talk to him... she said yes.For the last 6 months she has tried writing him a letter, talking to him, and even yelling and threatening him he will lose his family but he won't change. She suggested counseling and he told her basically that if she has a problem she should go to counseling b/c he is fine and won't go.

I asked her if she thinks he would at least read a book about improving the marriage, she said he won't - he says "this is the man you married."

when they got married it was kind of quick, only knew each other for 6 months, but she says he was never like this. He was always a little lazy b/c he was a spoiled child, but she says since the kids came, he has gotten much much worse. He also has suffered from depression and gets antidepressants but refusing to go into actual counseling to resolve whatever issues make him depressed.

She told me for the 1st time that she went by herself to a counselor a few months ago but she didn't really tell me what happened there... but she is still unhappy...

what should I advise her to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:36am
batharine...

Pianoguy is only guessing...but I'll bet the anti-depressants have screwed up the man's head? The wrong combination of drugs can make anybody lethargic, irritable and basically UNPLEASANT to live with. So maybe a physical is in order?

Working a 12-hour shift as a nurse has probably taken it's toll on your friend? Especially if she comes home to find that there's another 5-6 hours worth of work to do plus care for the children, etc. If her husband (after he gets off the meds) isn't willing to assume some of the responsibility...and expects her to cover EVERYTHING...and STILL control the money...THAT'S DEFINITELY OUT OF LINE!

If your friend has considered a 30-day trial separation...it might be a "wake-up call" for her husband. Doesn't necessarily mean it will solve the problem. But it might get the man into therapy...and definitely into a doctor's office! It's clear that the man needs both if he expects to be a good Father and make his marriage work.

Pass along the suggestions I've given you, but keep in mind one thing, okay?

It's nice to want to be there for your friend and help to solve a problem...BUT...if 2 people honestly want to 'FIX' THEIR MARRIAGE...THEY HAVE TO WANT TO DO IT TOGETHER!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 2:23pm
I agree with what Pianoguy advised. I'd also like to add that perhaps your friend should continue some counseling for a little while on her own. I did that when my ex-h wouldn't go, and it did help me. Aside from giving her emotional support and new perspectives on her situation, it may provide her with different strategies she can try at home with her spouse. At least she'll know that she is giving it her very best effort...whether or not things work out for them.

If your friend doesn't want to go to counseling, I would suggest talking to a minister if she attends a church or at least reading some books on troubled relationships that may help her. It is hard to know if your friend is nearing a "crossroads in the relationship" or already decided what she plans to do