Wondering
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Wondering
| Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:04am |
OK folks-here I go again. Since you all were so supportive in my last inquiry I am hoping I can get some more good thoughts & ideas so here goes.
I have read all the articles & opinions out there on the issue of faking orgasms & don't know quite what to do about the matter. I have faked orgasms almost all my life, with very few exceptions, & don't know how to stop. It's not that I don't get aroused during sex, it's just that I don't seem to get "there" through normal lovemaking. Through all 3 of my marriages & other sexual encounters it seems that the only way I can get the Big O is through a lot of manual stimulation. I know I am capable of it-I have a little device that never fails to let me down & most times I can climax 3-4 times with that so what seems to be my problem?? None of my husbands (former or current) have any idea that this is the case so I guess I have gotten very good at faking through the years but just don't feel good about it anymore. About 6 mos. ago I hinted to my husband that this was the case & he got very hurt so I told him I was just kidding, but I'm not. I know if I come clean with him it would devastate him as he thinks he is the worlds greatest lover & I don't want to do that to him as we already have enough issues in our sex life. I don't know if it is a question of the time spent on foreplay, which I do feel is a big part of the problem, or it is something else. I did tell my husband recently that this "slam, bam, thank you mam" sex just wasn't getting it, but it seems he is always too tired for much else, or there is somewhere one of has to be or something we have to do. The other thing that drives me crazy is even on the weekends, which is the time we usually engage in sexual activities, my husband wants to be up & moving about for 1-2 hours & then wants to hop back in bed & by then I am ready to move onto other issues of the day. He says he has always been this way, but I prefer to wake up, cuddle a bit & then get to the action. HELP-what can I do to resolve some of these matters??
I have read all the articles & opinions out there on the issue of faking orgasms & don't know quite what to do about the matter. I have faked orgasms almost all my life, with very few exceptions, & don't know how to stop. It's not that I don't get aroused during sex, it's just that I don't seem to get "there" through normal lovemaking. Through all 3 of my marriages & other sexual encounters it seems that the only way I can get the Big O is through a lot of manual stimulation. I know I am capable of it-I have a little device that never fails to let me down & most times I can climax 3-4 times with that so what seems to be my problem?? None of my husbands (former or current) have any idea that this is the case so I guess I have gotten very good at faking through the years but just don't feel good about it anymore. About 6 mos. ago I hinted to my husband that this was the case & he got very hurt so I told him I was just kidding, but I'm not. I know if I come clean with him it would devastate him as he thinks he is the worlds greatest lover & I don't want to do that to him as we already have enough issues in our sex life. I don't know if it is a question of the time spent on foreplay, which I do feel is a big part of the problem, or it is something else. I did tell my husband recently that this "slam, bam, thank you mam" sex just wasn't getting it, but it seems he is always too tired for much else, or there is somewhere one of has to be or something we have to do. The other thing that drives me crazy is even on the weekends, which is the time we usually engage in sexual activities, my husband wants to be up & moving about for 1-2 hours & then wants to hop back in bed & by then I am ready to move onto other issues of the day. He says he has always been this way, but I prefer to wake up, cuddle a bit & then get to the action. HELP-what can I do to resolve some of these matters??

As for the o's don't fake them anymore. Why not use this new timing strategy to change things out. Read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus to understand your differences. Quickies are okay - but you need long and slow too. Learn to communicate your needs in a positive manner.
As you and your husband are involved in a long standing pattern, I wouldn't just disrupt it by announcing that I wasn't having orgasms. As you said, he will not know how to take this, will feel like a bad lover and it will inevitably lead to more difficulty in this area between the two of you. Patterns can be difficult to break and they have developed for a reason - a psychological reason. As your sexual relationship is basically unsatisfying for you, (and perhaps it also reflects other areas in your relationship), I would strongly recommend that the two of you seek outside, professional assistance with this, if you want to make real changes. It is almost impossible to break long standing patterns on one's own. Just talking about it may make temporary changes, but when things are deep seated, time, willingness, energy, focus and professional guidance is needed. I don't know if your husband is interested in doing this with you. However, I would ask him about it in
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Why not incorporate the manual stuimulation and the device into your love making? My boyfriend and I had a conversation about this - neither of us can understand why a woman would want to fake an orgasm when they could have a real one?
So when you are having sex, show him, tell him, move his hand, whatever to tell him what pleases you. Talk to him during sex - I'm almost there, just rub here, harder, faster, softer, slower, etc. or reach down and do it yourself, or put the device there - some guys like to see this.
Carrie
Carrie
I have asked him many times to maybe shower with me to get things going, (which he has done once & that's all it was)we have bought some erotic videos which are still unopened & six mos. ago I bought a sex game I thought would be fun & everytime I mention it he just zones out on me. (the game is also unopened) I even bought several pairs of thong underwear because he told me that he likes those but have only worn 1 pair 1 time because at the age of almost 52 I feel totally ridiculous wearing something like that. (you know, the flabass & all) Last year when we got married the ladies we both worked with threw a surprise bridal shower for me & I got a ton of Victorias Secret lingerie & have worn some of it & that has also gotten me nowhere. I am not some skinny 30 yr. with a models body by any means & don't really think the problem lies with my physical appearance-I really think he used himself up over the last 30 years & there is nothing left for me.
Carrie
We had bought some Viagra on line a few weeks ago but had not tried it yet (until the other night)& it was certainly worth the money. I didn't really think he needed it but he wanted to try & I am cetainly glad he talked me into it & would recommend it to anyone with a lagging libido!!
Again, thank you for the suggestions.
Not LOSTININDY anymore!!