Wondering

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Wondering
8
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:04am
OK folks-here I go again. Since you all were so supportive in my last inquiry I am hoping I can get some more good thoughts & ideas so here goes.

I have read all the articles & opinions out there on the issue of faking orgasms & don't know quite what to do about the matter. I have faked orgasms almost all my life, with very few exceptions, & don't know how to stop. It's not that I don't get aroused during sex, it's just that I don't seem to get "there" through normal lovemaking. Through all 3 of my marriages & other sexual encounters it seems that the only way I can get the Big O is through a lot of manual stimulation. I know I am capable of it-I have a little device that never fails to let me down & most times I can climax 3-4 times with that so what seems to be my problem?? None of my husbands (former or current) have any idea that this is the case so I guess I have gotten very good at faking through the years but just don't feel good about it anymore. About 6 mos. ago I hinted to my husband that this was the case & he got very hurt so I told him I was just kidding, but I'm not. I know if I come clean with him it would devastate him as he thinks he is the worlds greatest lover & I don't want to do that to him as we already have enough issues in our sex life. I don't know if it is a question of the time spent on foreplay, which I do feel is a big part of the problem, or it is something else. I did tell my husband recently that this "slam, bam, thank you mam" sex just wasn't getting it, but it seems he is always too tired for much else, or there is somewhere one of has to be or something we have to do. The other thing that drives me crazy is even on the weekends, which is the time we usually engage in sexual activities, my husband wants to be up & moving about for 1-2 hours & then wants to hop back in bed & by then I am ready to move onto other issues of the day. He says he has always been this way, but I prefer to wake up, cuddle a bit & then get to the action. HELP-what can I do to resolve some of these matters??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:29am
If your husband wants to get back into bed - why not???? What could be more important than quality time like this? Most men need time to wake up in the morning any way. Go with the flow and be glad he wants to get back into bed with you.

As for the o's don't fake them anymore. Why not use this new timing strategy to change things out. Read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus to understand your differences. Quickies are okay - but you need long and slow too. Learn to communicate your needs in a positive manner.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:27am

As you and your husband are involved in a long standing pattern, I wouldn't just disrupt it by announcing that I wasn't having orgasms. As you said, he will not know how to take this, will feel like a bad lover and it will inevitably lead to more difficulty in this area between the two of you. Patterns can be difficult to break and they have developed for a reason - a psychological reason. As your sexual relationship is basically unsatisfying for you, (and perhaps it also reflects other areas in your relationship), I would strongly recommend that the two of you seek outside, professional assistance with this, if you want to make real changes. It is almost impossible to break long standing patterns on one's own. Just talking about it may make temporary changes, but when things are deep seated, time, willingness, energy, focus and professional guidance is needed. I don't know if your husband is interested in doing this with you. However, I would ask him about it in

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 12:14pm
::it seems that the only way I can get the Big O is through a lot of manual stimulation. I know I am capable of it-I have a little device that never fails to let me down & most times I can climax 3-4 times with that so what seems to be my problem??

Why not incorporate the manual stuimulation and the device into your love making? My boyfriend and I had a conversation about this - neither of us can understand why a woman would want to fake an orgasm when they could have a real one?

So when you are having sex, show him, tell him, move his hand, whatever to tell him what pleases you. Talk to him during sex - I'm almost there, just rub here, harder, faster, softer, slower, etc. or reach down and do it yourself, or put the device there - some guys like to see this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 12:54pm
Hi again-Loved your suggestion-we even tried that once & it was fantastic. The only problem is that our lovemaking only seems to last about 15 min from start to finish-there seems to always be something more important to attend to or my husband is just too tired & I really do think that is the root of the problem-TIME. I mentioned to him just a few days ago that it seems like forever since we spent any significient time working on the situation, he agreed but also said that he is not a machine like he used to be (which I agree) & that he just likes to get things over & done with, which brings me right back to the frustated level I have been at lately. Of course with me faking orgasm all the time he thinks I get off in a matter of minutes (like 3) & he thinks that is just great. I guess I have created my own mess & now don't know how to fix it or make it better. As for giving him direction on what I want, he feels he knows all he needs to know on how to please a woman & does not think he needs to be told anything on that matter. I guess couples counseling is our next step, or I learn to live with the situation & go from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:15pm
How sad that he's programmed for you to be 'quick' due to the faking....but your quote "He just wants to get things done and over with." Is he that selfish?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:50pm
I don't know that I would use the term selfish exactly. I think he feels that amount of time is & should be adequate for me to get where I need to go. He has acknowledged the fact several times that he does not give me enough foreplay (which I have agreed with) but he doesn't go beyond that at all. As in my previous posting earlier this week he has told me that for 30 years sex was the most important thing in his life & now just is not. I can understand that to a point at our ages but I wish it was a little LESS unimportant, if that makes any sense. This subject has caused so much friction in our lives the last 6-10 mos. that I am just ready to say the hell with it and let's just ignore it all together.

I have asked him many times to maybe shower with me to get things going, (which he has done once & that's all it was)we have bought some erotic videos which are still unopened & six mos. ago I bought a sex game I thought would be fun & everytime I mention it he just zones out on me. (the game is also unopened) I even bought several pairs of thong underwear because he told me that he likes those but have only worn 1 pair 1 time because at the age of almost 52 I feel totally ridiculous wearing something like that. (you know, the flabass & all) Last year when we got married the ladies we both worked with threw a surprise bridal shower for me & I got a ton of Victorias Secret lingerie & have worn some of it & that has also gotten me nowhere. I am not some skinny 30 yr. with a models body by any means & don't really think the problem lies with my physical appearance-I really think he used himself up over the last 30 years & there is nothing left for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:31pm
When's the last time he had a physical? Maybe his testostrone level have dropped more than normal?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: lostinindy2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:35am
Hi-it's Monday morning & I wanted to thank you so much for your feedback on my situation. I took some of your advice on dealing with my husbands quickness & it seemed to help tremendously. Being that he only worked part of the day on Friday (which he doesn't usually work at all) I thought it would be a good time to put some of these ideas into action-I sat on his lap & asked him in a whisper if he would like to go upstairs with me & have a little fun, which he agreed to & it was 2 hours later until we came up for air. (so to speak) I was able to achieve orgasm not once but twice during that time & I was totally amazed. Yes, we did use my little device & that was one time but the other was just with him alone & I was blown away. Since we spent so much time the night before we didn't attempt anything on Sat. morning like we usually do but we did on Sun. morning & that too was great. Guess I have found the secret (after all this time) to getting him to go a little further than normal. We have reservations out of town in 3 weeks for our anniversary back where we were married & he has promised me that we would have the time of our lives.

We had bought some Viagra on line a few weeks ago but had not tried it yet (until the other night)& it was certainly worth the money. I didn't really think he needed it but he wanted to try & I am cetainly glad he talked me into it & would recommend it to anyone with a lagging libido!!

Again, thank you for the suggestions.

Not LOSTININDY anymore!!