Wondering if I should be in this relatio

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wondering if I should be in this relatio
4
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 9:00am
I have never done this kind of thing, write to a message board, it is just I don't know what else to do. My story is this: I am 21, dating a 30 yr old man. I have been living with him for almost the entire time we have been dating, 1 year. I moved away from my family and my life to be with him. I was postitive he was the one, I still think he could be. I changed schools and everything. We just bought a house together about 4 weeks ago. So this is very serious, we discuss getting married in a year. Even though all this sounds great, it isn't. We have fought from the very beginning over everything, mostly little things and he seems to always be right and if I put my 2 cents in he gets even madder. We have had a joint accounts for almost the whole relationship, we share everything, so I can't just walk away from this. I only work part time, b/c I also go to school. He works full time and b/c of this he seems to think that I don't do anything and any time we fight these feelings of his come out. About a week before we were closing on the house, it had got to where I was packing and looking for an apartment, b/c I just couldn't take it anymore. But just like always we apologized and made up, but didn't figure out what to do about the problem. It's like we forget all about it. When we fight, we are cruel. A couple of times I hit him and he has pushed me down. I am not saying he is abusive. He isn't. Usually when we fight it is just a lot of name calling and we start going off on things that we aren't even fighting about. For the most part I am happy, atleast I think I am, it's just I don't know if I can handle his short temper much more. We don't know how to communicate to each other, we don't fight far. This morning, he comes in yelling at me, while I am sleeping, telling me I clogged up the toliet, even though there was a logical explaination for it and we were both involved. But b/c he came in yelling my defenses are already up, we start fighting about it. He starts telling I just need to do what he tells me to do and on and on. He left we work without us working it out or saying anything to each other. That's what it is like most of the time, slamming doors, walking away from each other. I wonder if I have gotten myself in too deep. I am lost and confused. I didn't every think I would see myself in this situation.




Edited 7/23/2004 9:10 am ET ET by clarkysue
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 9:55am

This Is an abusive relationship. He has absolutely no right to wake you up yelling at you, tell you you must do what he says and put you down in the many other ways you've described. You should get out of this as soon as possible. You are very young and not experienced in relationships or how to protect yourself. Youve only been together a year and are not in too deep...you do not have children and thankfully, you haven't married. Get yourself some professional counselling and guidance on what is going on here. It's not good. If he pushes you and you fall down during an argument, this is Abuse, and abuse often escalates. Take your money out of the joint account, take your things and find a healthy, safe and decent place to live. It is dangerous and unhealthy in many ways to stay in a situation where you are constantly fighting and being abused in various ways. He has a control and anger problem. You do not have to be the brunt of it. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I also recommend you learn more about abusive relationships. There are support groups for this both online and in the community. Contact your family again. Get yourself a support system. Get a counsellor and find a new, healthy way to live.


We must never stay where we aren't safe, loved and happy.


All the best,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 9:40am
After reading your message I became very sad because I find myself in a similar situation. I am 24 and had been dating a 32 year old for about one year. I love this man so much and was also sure that he was the one I was going to marry. There are so many wonderful qualities about him that I love, and he is nothing but kind and sweet for the majority of the time. However, he comes from an abusive and violent childhood, and does not have a good relationship with his family. As a result of this, he does not know how to handle his anger. Towards the middle of the relationship we began fighting constantly. Most of the time the fights started out over something really stupid, but often they escalated out of control. Sometimes he would lose his temper and say really mean insulting and hurtful comments. He has never hit me, but I can't be sure that he never would. After this would happen, I would threaten to leave him and he would apologize, saying he loved me so much and was so sorry for what had happened. He would always tell me he didn't mean the hurtful comments and that it wouldn't happen again. I stayed with him because I knew these issues were a result of his troubled past, and I begged him to get counseling or take anger management classes, but he didn't. Finally, about a week ago, we had a really nasty fight and I walked away for good. He couldn't handle this break up, and begged and pleaded for me to take him back. He promised he would change and get therapy and do anything he could to make the relationship work. He truly believes I am the one and says he will do anything to win me over. It is so hard for me because I still do love him but I know I have to stay strong and remove myself from this unhealthy situation. He tells me he has an appointment this week to go and begin counseling and I really hope that he is telling the truth. Nothing would make me happier than for him to work out his issues so that we can be together again some day. I think you should do the same. Leave this guy, if only temporarily, and ask him to go and seek help for anger management. He really needs to do this both for your relationship and for his own well being. Your time away will be really hard, sad, and lonely, as it is for me, but you have to hope things will get better. If this guy loves you as much as he says he does, he will get help and stop abusing the person he loves. During your time away from him you should focus on building your own self confidence. Be proud that you loved yourself enough to walk away from an unhealthy situation, and believe in your heart that if this love is meant to be, it will find its way into your live again. It is empowring to respect yourself enough that you refuse to be taken advantage of. Stay strong and best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 10:01am
Thanks for your reply. Several times this weekend I almost ended it, buy yesterday we didn't someting we have never really did and actually discussed why it was we both acted the way we did during the fight. Like most times we kiss, make up, and then forget about, never talking about it. We both have trouble controlling our emotions and we both have promised to work on it. I am going to give it a try. Neither one of us wants to give up on this relationship and I think the way we were able to talk about the situation helps me think that we might be able to work through this. I really appreciate your response and I hope everything works our for you and your boyfriend.

Ashley
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:04pm

hugs ashley. i was in a similar situatin when i was 19, and i was 21 i actually married the guy. I know that people tried to talk to me also about not marrying him - but i was "in love" and wouldn't give him up. (yes, it was a very unhealthy marriage and we got divorced).


from what you are describing - this is a very unhealthy relationship, and not only are you BOTH having problems with controlling your anger - but HE is very controlling which is A BIG RED FLAG. kissing and making up - and promising that you will change - and talking about - all very very nice but you both NEED HELP, as in PROFESSIONAL HELP. please - don't continue in this life without getting REAL help. you deserve a better life.