Won't stop talking to his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Won't stop talking to his ex
8
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 1:22am

Hi guys,


I would like some advice on an on-going problem my boyfriend and I have been having for about the last 1 1/2 years. When I first met my b/f a year and a half ago, he was still friends with his ex g/f. They dated for about 3 1/2 yrs, and were pretty serious. He is now 26 years old, and has been broken up with her for about 4 years. When we first started dating, he would talk to her a lot, go out for coffee, and was kind of flirty. It started making me feel uneasy and upset, so we talked about it and agreed that he wouldn't speak to her anymore. He also wanted my ex to stop calling me. I was happy that when the relationship started getting more serious, we were ready to just be with each other, without the ex's. Well, every few months I find out he's talked to her on the phone. He always lies about it, but I find out somehow. When I get angry and upset with him, he becomes very emotional and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 8:00am
The problem is not the ex-girlfriend, it's the lying. Occasionally hearing from an ex (how often does this happen?) may be unimportant, but concealing the truth is a HUGE issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 9:12am

Yes, I would break up with my boyfriend if we had agreed he wouldn't talk to his ex anymore, and he continued to do it and lie about it more than once.

You created an agreement and he simply will not honor it. Getting him to stop talking to her is not an option. Now you decide if this is a deal-breaker for you or not, and then stick to your guns.

I would never tolerate continued lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 11:24am
I completely agree. Its the lying, not the talking, that bothers me. I mean, of course I dont LIKE them talking, but hiding it from me is definately the issue. I have made that clear to him and he said that he hides it from me because they only talk once or twice a year, and she calls him, not the other way around. Basically, he seems to think that its better to hide something than start an arguement. Its just so hard to figure out if this is something that should end the relationship. I love everything else about us....except for this on-going issue. It doesnt help that his friends have agreed with him that talking to your ex once in a while shouldnt be a problem. I dont know....its a problem for me though, he should respect that. Apparently he does now, but of course, can I believe that? Im not sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 11:45am
I agree with his friends that talking once or twice a year is not something you should get upset over. But I don't see how that's at all true seeing as you said that they went out for coffee a lot when you've first started dating, and you've only been together a year and a half.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 12:23pm
We dated, not seriously or exclusively, for almost a year. He had some committment issues after his ex, and I had my own issues after my last relationship. When they would go out for coffee it was within that first year. We have been dating seriously now for a year and a half, not including that first year. Since we have been together as a couple, he has gone out for coffee with her once, which was within the first few months. Since then, (because I got upset), they havent spent any time with each other besides phone conversations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 11:50pm

Welcome to the board sassygurl_k,


You aren't making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 4:27am

>> dont know....its a problem for me though, he should respect that.<<


I don't know that I believe he *should* respect that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 1:07pm

I agree with you...to an extent. If he loves me he would give her up. I understand that talking to her once in a while isnt THAT big of a deal (although you dont really know what has gone on in terms of our relationship and the problems with her)---but if he couldnt give up his ex for me, or to make me feel happy or secure, your right, he should have just told me that. And no, he doesnt get in trouble if he has talked to her. We have agreed that I dont LIKE him talking with her, and there are reasons for that, and he doesnt like me talking to my ex. We agreed (or at least I thought) that there is no need to keep the contact. BUT, if she does call or he does talk to her, I always asked him to talk to me about it. He feels that it will cause an arguement and thats why he hides it. But he has never even given me the chance to show him that NO, he will not "get in trouble". I would just like to know why they are talking, or why she is calling. Its even gotten to the point that Im not concerned with them speaking, its the sneakiness and lying that concerns me. Although we are still together and have talked about the issue, Im having a hard time figuring out if I can trust him, if I should trust him, and if I should stay or go.