Wont talk about the wedding....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wont talk about the wedding....
9
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:25pm
Ive been engaged since Christmas, and everytime I discuss the wedding plans - he flips out & says "Do we have to talk about this now? You talk to me about this everyday!!"

I dont think I do but we havent agreed on a date & a place and I feel we should. Am I wrong? I told him I get the feeling he doesnt want this and he said he just doesnt want to talk about it everyday. What should I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:27pm
There's not going to be a wedding - unless you totally plan it, pick it, and force him down the aisle. Did you have to "ultimatum" him into the engagement?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:30pm
Tell him as long as he picks a date or a month the only time you will involve him is when you are ready to choose a place. To me, there is no official engagement until there is a wedding date or at least a month when you plan to get married. Are there any underlying issues here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:30pm
Well I think not talking about it everyday is a reasonable request but I also agree iwth you that you should decide on a date by 6 months after he proposed.

Have you two agreed that *you* would be the one to do all the planning? Is he still excited about the wedding and marriage but just doesn't want to talk about favors and such or are there other problems in the relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:50pm
He doent want to talk about the date or place because he says I keep changing my mind. I change my mind bc I never get ay reaction out of any of my suggestions. As far as if the engagement was an "ultimatum" - he knew Id break it off with him if didnt happen. Weve been living together for the last 2 1/2 yrs. Am I doomed with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:53pm
Well, if he knew he'd cease to have the benefits of living with you without commitment unless he proposed...he proposed to keep the benefits coming his way. Which doesn't mean he wants to be any more committed to you than he is...he just simply fulfilled your mandate of what'll keep you near him and in benefit to him.

Personally, i don't consider it an engagement until someone sets a date. This "I want to marry you someday, here's a diamond ring" but then there's no discussion or agreement on when/where - that's NOT engagement. That's just more cohabitation without commitment.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:59pm
You aren't necessarily doomed. You just need to figure out if he really wants to be with you for the rest of your life or if he resents you for the ultimatum. You obviously want to get married and maybe he wasn't ready and is being passive aggressive about the planning.

If he really is committed then let him know what you want and when you want it regarding the ceremony. Stick to your plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:19pm


No, of course you're not doomed! As for "ultimatum-ing" him into the engagement--

Well, men are very inclined to run on inertia--he might have stayed happy just being exclusive bf/gf forever. But that doesn't mean he won't be happy to be your husband as well. My huband was also "ultimatum"-ed. After two years (6 months of that living together) I basically told him that if he wanted me to act like his wife he'd have to marry me. If he wanted a girlfriend he could say so and I'd think about it. He had some trepidation about marriage due to his background, which I understood.

My husband married me because he didn't want to "lose" me. That's a fact. But my husband also did, indeed, want someone to be his "wife". He already wanted to live with me, be partners, have children with me, and be each others' lifetime companions. That is what a "wife" is. By the time we got married we'd already bought a house together, had a miscarriage together, and were trying for another pregnancy together. He just had trouble formalizing our relationship because of his baggage. But formalizing it was important to me, so he married me. He has had a huge smile on his face ever since we eloped, and has let me know in word and deed that he thinks he was being silly be resisting it.

If your husband wants a girlfriend that he's married to, that's trouble. A lot of women marry men that want that. But I wouldn't stress too much about the ultimatum thing, if you know he really wants a WIFE.

Of course I eloped. And I know all about Bridezilla syndrome. Not that YOU are but sometimes I think EVERY bride must seem like Bridezilla to her fiance.

I would ask your finace if he wants to elope, or have a very small ceremony. If he hyperventillates about eloping, and seems terrified, then he's scared of marriage. If he seems warm to the idea, expresses relief, or nixes it only because he wants his parents there, etc., then he's scared of the wedding.

Being scared of the wedding and being scared of marriage are two related, yet different things. And of course if you suggest a small wedding, and he LOVES the idea, you might have to follow through!

:^)

Saucygirl


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:41pm
Hi Mleajanko

I got engaged, 2, for x-mas, and it is now June, and i just decided, my wedding date. Let me tell you, I did not need, my bf, to help me set the date. He should know once he put that diamond, on my hand, it was up to me to do the driving. I decided, I wanted, to get married in June 2005, and hopefully, by then, we would have our own, house. I know it is alot, planning a wedding and trying to buy a house, especially, when him and I are not rich. But, the fact that he proposed, to me, means so much that I want to work things out his way.

Newly engaged females, can be so excited, at times, that we always want to talk about wedding plans, but whenever you feel that urge, call a girlfriend, your parents and even discuss, some of your ideas. Men, do not like to hear all these gushy, mushy wedding ideas. Wait a month, then ask him, if he wants to get married, in the year 2004/2005. When, he tells you the year, that is all you need, then you take that into consideration with what you want, and you set the date. When time comes to 1 year before that date, you get busy planning. I mean paying down the money, and you let him, know what you are doing, and that you won't be able to get any money back, if he changes his mind.

I have been dating my bf going on 2 years in July, and the more, I get to know him, the more, I find that I am falling in love with him. It is such a beautiful thing. GOod Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:24pm
Thanks so much for your reply - it made alot of sense to me. We have decided to elope w. the invite open to our immediate family if theyd like to come at their at own expense. Hes much more open to that. I am going to wait a month & see if when I bring it up again theres a better reaction. I will siply ask for a date & go from there. If he resisits at that point I may have to walk away.

But thank you for sharing your experence w. me - your husband sounds alot like my bf. Now I hope mine becomes as wise as yours!