Words can never hurt me? Not true.
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:58am |
My problem is this: my husband always says really hurtful things to me. He says later that he doesn't realize he is doing this but it is tearing down my feelings for him and is eroding my self-esteem.
Last night, we were watching television together. In the show, a man got all choked up when he began talking about his wife, about how much he loves her, etc.
I turned to my husband, who is usually pretty emotionless, and said, "I wish you'd get choked up like that over me."
He replied, "Well do something that chokes me up."
I sat there for a few secs, trying not to overreact, but my heart was feeling torn in two.
Then, I said to him, "I don't think I can."
Afterward, I left the room and he fell asleep. This morning, it's as if he doesn't even know what he has done.
These sorts of comments are normal for our marriage. I've explained to him that if he keeps doing this we will eventually get to the point where I have no feelings left for him. So what should I do?

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People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and priorities justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas,and desires. Those same values dictate their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.
Basically, you want him to be someone he's not...you want him to be a compassionate, empathic, emotionally bonding individual. He's none of those things...he doesn't value the emotional component of a relationship.
Quite likely - if you'd objectively review - you've probably often thought that you're in a business partnership more than in an emotionally bonded and investment relationship.
In that there are goals, deadlines, requirements, and duties to fulfill (hopefully on both of your parts to sustain the entity of the lifestyle that you've got)......and that is all there is. There is you fulfilling your responsibilities, him fulfilling his responsibilities - and hwen you come to meet over dinner or over popcorn in thel living room - there isn't alot in common that you two have or want.
He can't give what he doesn't possess. If he doesn't value and prioritize an emotional bond - there won't be one. Because creating and sustaining one requires work, effort, sacrifice, commitment, and communication - as well as having self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-responsibility.
You can't make him be what he's not....quite likely he simply treated you better and you had a lifestyle upgrade as a result of this relationship in your life. You assumed, which is common in an abusive situation, that because he didn't hit, scream, kick, punch, overspend, or whatever it was that the previous husband did that caused you such disgust, distress, destruction and damage...that this guy was a prince. Rather like comparing someone who killed someone in a car accident....to Geoffrey Daughmer. So originally, he was so much better than your previous relationship and life - you thought this is bliss.
You simply prioritizing "not having the destruction"...now that you've had a period where there isn't all that chaos, unrest, fear, and destruction...you're going "I have needs that aren't survival related"...and so you're wanting the emotional bond. You assumed it existed because he treated you decently....you didn't realize he was treating you the same way he treats everybody else basically - as per his values, priorities and standards.
Now it's not enough....before it was a godsend.
But he's basically the same man that you married....it's just that you're less terrified and in need of salvation...and now in need of an equality based, loving, communicative and mutually beneficial relationship - but that isn't something he wants or prioritizes, expects or desires - so now you're just "less abused" than before with still unmet needs, expectations, and desires.
The process of self-actualization would do wonders for YOU.....because you would become more complete and aware of what needs and wants he is supposed to provide for you vs. you provide for yourself. It might help the marriage become more bonded....or if it ended the marriage -you would no longer be in need of completion - you'd have yourself.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
There were plenty of signs I ignored but should have paid more attention, like when he told me what his ideal woman would be like. I didn't match most of his requirements for his ideal woman.
He also wasn't employed when we first starting dating. He was living off his investments. After we married, the stock market went down, he lost a lot of his money and had to go back to work.
Our original plans were for him to watch our child (the one I lost) while I worked. It's what he wanted because he had never had a child before.
When those plans didn't work out, he started a business, which failed, and now has a decent job. But, prior to him finding this job, I had to do a lot of prodding just to get him out to find one.
At one point while we were discussing our options, I told him it was unfair for me to be working, pregnant again, and still left with the bulk of the responsibilities at home. I told him flatly that he would have to get a job.
He said something then that I can't forget. He said, "I didn't have a job when we met. Why should I have one now? Aren't you just trying to change me?"
Well, now that I have read your comments, I have to really wonder if that's what I have been trying to do.
Another hurdle we must overcome is the difference in our religious beliefs. He is atheist and I am Christian. When we decided to have a second pregnancy we also decided that the child would learn about both of our beliefs.
It's been very hard for him to deal with. He doesn't want me to teach our daughter about God.
Still, I have been sending her to Sunday School every other week. I don't send her every week because I am trying to be fair. When I am getting her ready for Sunday School he is absolutely no help to me. He won't bathe her or help in any way that would help me get her to church. When her carseat became soiled a few weeks ago and I had to wash it before she could go to church, he helped by taking apart the carseat so the lining could be washed. But, when he realized that I was trying to get things ready for church, he refused to put her carseat back together. It's all very childish sometimes.
So, now that you know this part of our story, what do you think? I know I am partly to blame for trying to change him. But can't anything be done to salvage this relationship? Despite it all, I do love him and I think he loves me, even though he is emotionless and unable to show it.
What you're saying you did is ignore his lifestyle in view of what you were sure life would be like with him.
Take this forward as we continue:
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values justify thier actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Their reasoning says "do X to get Y".....never speculate on what "Y" is.
So at all times, we're all doing what we want to do...what our values justify us doing......what our reasoning process says is correct....to get our desired result.
The lifestyle a person has prior to meeting you is either a) propped by someone else...or b) created, inspired, designed, and maintained by this individual because it meets their needs, standards, priorities, and goals.
So basically, the man was retired and planning to live off investments for the remainder of his years. That's fine.....apparently he had no contingency plan for if that failed, of course, he wasn't planning or prioritizing or valuing a relationship either when he made the decisions and choices he did prior to meeting you so he didn't prepare for these additional requirements and expenses. So to "do the right thing" his plans, his goals, his methods were now not meeting his needs.
That tells you flat out....the man didn't plan on working. Don't read into that that he will not work. He might...he does now....but resentfully and you're paying the price. His comments are inspired by his resentment of this change in lifestyle and requirements - he thinks "you caused his problems, or detoured his plans." He's letting you know that with his comments.
Just like when he was dating you - he did it because it met HIS needs and standards. Quite often people fail to get "actions have consequences" until the consequences they are required to deal withcause them upset, loss, pain, or negativity - at which point it is the consequences they want eliminated - but the actions - they enjoyed them immensely when doing it and would do it again if the opportunity arose.
What is a great relationship? Well, the Dahli Lama describes one as both parties being more desirous of one another, than in need of each other or alliance. That is not just financially, either. In fact, in the eastern culture, financially is the LAST realm that they're referring to.
What is meant by that is that two people have to be complete, secure, self-aware, self-defined, successful and happy by their own standards, efforts, means, and definitions - before they can objectively and discerning view and come to admire, respect, and desire a person based on shared values, priorities and goals. Till you're ocmplete - you're looking at everybody as a "source of completion or salvation from need" - there is no objectivity in need...there is desperation and total of focus on the potential of salvation via this person and thier efforts or their possessions, etc.
He's absolutely correct...you're trying to change him, or you'd like to try anyway. Because likely when you met you thought he was God's gift to the planet becuase of what he did not do - hit, scream, overspend, cheat, or wahtever the case may be. But he's never been more invested and involvd or more than he is right now - in the beginning. It's just that you oculdn't see it when he was a safe haven out of the chaos that was your world.
But great relatonships are partnerships...they're based in equality, mutual benefit, and honest communication - with both parties realizing I'll never be what I don't make of myself...and in pursuing that reality you find a mate running a parallel track to your own -by their own requirements and efforts and for their own reasons - so that you don't have to shift, change, alter or guide them to be what you wnat and need and expect.
This business of religion......and your children! Take note, children become what their parents ARE! They learning the thinking patterns, values, pririties, and standards of their parents in order to cope and live in that environment.
So your daughter is seeing a VERY destructive thing in this Sunday School issue. First, children can't "make up their minds about God". That's ridiculous. Parents nurture, guide, influence, and require their children to do things all the time. A parent/child dynamic is founded in "I'll guide, provide, and mentor you and in exchange you'll do what I say so that you can see the benefit of my wisdom because you lack life experience and self-wareness to decide for yourself waht is important, right, good, and correct."
So, you daughter goes every other week - so as not to be "overexposed" to God and religion because your husband is an aethiest. So really, Mommy is not a practicing Christian either - she just follows mandates and dictates of other people all the time and that will get her what she wants or needs. Raise a daughter like that...and she'll be in living hell by adolescence. Because a great many people will be influencing and persuading her to do things...and if all she knows ot do is follow someone else's lead with no personal sense of identity or values or beliefs or goals - she'll wind up in a real mess.
I will say to you what someone of great wisdom said to me....when I was married to the same guy you're with now! "This relationship as it is meets his needs and standards and his actions are his proof of his love. Nothing he does is wrong or hurtful to him, or perceived to be that way because it all meets his needs and standards. That he doesn't prioritize and value you as an equal is why your needs can't be addressed. I want you never to forget that at one time you considered this dynamic to be safe, to be right, to be desired and you sought it......and you can thank God for the bottom that you hit that brought to your knees and allowed you to consider the hell of personal restructure to be less hellacious than living with him."
It is imperative to accept a partner as they are.....if you're to live successfully with them. You don't dictate their values and priorities and standards...and those things completely and fully dictate everything they do, want, pursue, and decide.
As he is.....do you accept him and want him as he is in your life? If the answer is yes....stop trying to get him to "change his behavior" because his behavior is a result of vlaues and priorities that you do not dictate.
If the answer is no.....also stop trying to change his behavior or his values...and begin to form a plan to get out and be a single parent, spending several years without dating and forming a relationship with yourself.
The relationships you have with others...mimics the one that you have with yourself. I used to scoff at that statement.....until I hit a bottom so low that I realized "hey, I'm down here with these losers because I am one myself." And I am delighted to report - that 7 years later those same "losers" avoid me like the plague because they want nothing to do with success, security, or happiness by my definitions nd standards - it doesn't involve me being a whipping post, slave girl, or doormat.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
But from what I gather from your posts he may simply be incapable of meeting the emotional needs that I have. It's not to say he is flawed but we have different values and expections.
Otherwise, you'd have never been involved in this relationship where you sought salvation and identity thru alliance.
Work on you - not him....and you easily might not have him around to deal with whatsoever.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
My children also are my passion. I enjoy their company and doing activities with them. If only my marriage were in good shape...
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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