work problems causing relationship stres

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
work problems causing relationship stres
3
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 3:45am
My guy and i have been together for four years this august. We're both in our late 20s. He recently started up a business with a friend late last year (this is his first real job, it's always been his dream to have this own business). He's been very frustrated trying to work with his unreasonable business partner and running a new business has also been very stressful.

A few months ago, he started needing a lot more space - he would want to go and do his own thing, or go out and not tell me where he's going or who he's with. He's also slowly been shutting me out - we don't even speak to each other everyday anymore but he would at least send me a message every day to say he loved me or was thinking of me. We've also been seeing each other less and less and recently had 2 big rows about the current situation. I know all this is caused by stress at work and he needed some time and space to figure it out so we took 2 weeks apart. We're kinda back to normal now but i know there's still problems at work... and these problems are not going away anytime soon.

Our relationship is now under extreme stress and he's in no frame of mind to work on it... so i'm trying hard to keep everything together.

Has anyone out there been in a similar situation - where your significant other was having stress at work that caused your relationship to suffer? What can I do to help him through this difficult time? What can I do to make sure this relationship doesn't fall apart? How can I get him to open up to me again?


Any advice is appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:26am
Dear Monaco-

Men are much more affected by work than woman are. Our sense of well being comes mostly from our interpersonal relationships, with men a big chunk of it comes from their accomplishments. If you BF is having a difficult time at work, he is probably just feeling lousy. Because he is feeling lousy, he may not have the emotional energy to be a good BF right now. If you tell him that you feel neglected it may make things worse. He may not be able to handle any more pressure right now. If he is frustrated and/or angry he may take it out on you. The best thing for you to do at this point is to hang back a little and be patient. Don't push him. His emotional distance has nothing to do with you.

Take care.

C
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:57am


Hi C,

Thanks for your advice. I've been trying very hard not to let his physical or emotional distancing bother me - well, let's just say there are good days and bad days... I realise that he can't be a good bf to me right now, so i've decided to be a good gf to him instead... i've been sending him messages telling him i love him and miss him, and he's responding - replying me with affectionate messages too... i know he still needs some space to himself but i'll take what i can get.

Thanks again,

M



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 8:29am
I really, really feel for you. The situation you're in is tough.

My fiance also has stress from work (lots of it!). He is the opposite - he involves me too much, rather than keeping it to himself. But being involved is not a bed of roses either - his stress pours onto me, stressing me out...

You might want to try letting your BF know you're there for him, if he wants to talk, then give him the space he needs. Keep reminding yourself that he's an adult, and he is responsible for fixing his anxiety and work problems (not you). Hang in there!

Elmira.