work social commitments

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
work social commitments
4
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 3:37am

Ok so we all have social commitments with work. The Xmas party. The new product launch. Whatever...

Is it unfair of me though to feel left out or like it has gone too far when my partners after work commitments are now 4 nights out of 5? Then often weekends as well?

I have been quietly putting up with this for months but recently it is all getting too much. Keep in mind these are not mandatory work functions but rather "out for drinks" with colleagues every night of the week. My partner honestly feels obligated to go to each and every one of them or they are "letting the team down" somehow.

It may not bother me so much if my partner even liked their job (which they don't) or there was some time or energy left for me. We never go out for drinks after work (which I would love to do) on one of the rare occasions the my partners job is not demanding their full undivided attention. Am I being unfair here?? Just feeling like I am really second place here..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 9:05am
I think your partner (can we get a gender to work with at least?) is either very delusional or very deceptive when he/she tells you that if he/she doesn't go out for drinks almost every night he/she is "letting down the team". My guess is that he/she enjoys it and wants to spend that much time with them. You are not being unfair, and you have every right to feel as though you are playing second fiddle to the coworkers. You are.
Remember though that the reason this situation is what it is, is because your partner, for whatever reasons, has chosen for it to be this way.
I'm not convinced he feels this is mandatory - if he does, then he either needs serious help asserting himself or a new job. It's either external pressure or internal pressure, and it needs to be alleviated.
I wonder how good your relationship is otherwise? Normally when men act like this they are avoiding something at home. If I'm off base let me know, you know him better than I do of course. If you are right and they really are pressuring him to go almost every night, then he needs a new job and because that has to be up to him, I'm afraid there isn't too much you can do until he reaches the end of his rope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 11:23am

Welcome to the board tatakite,


How come you can't go to these social work outings? Especially if it is just out for drinks at a bar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 5:40am

Welcome to the board tatakite,


Your partner likes his/her life and all the obligations that go with it or just likes having the excuse to go out all the time.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 11:29am

In all relationships you have to decide together about how much time you need together and how much time is fine attending to other "social or work" committments. It does seem to me that 4 out of 5 night is excessive. Perhaps he feels obligated, or perhaps he is also afraid of too much intimacy in the relationship? If you feel like second hand or unfulfilled by the amount of time you have together, let him know that this is not working for you and you cannot stay in a relationship where his main time committment is elsewhere. Living this way, he is simply not available for the kind of relationship you want.


Best wishes,