Worried about partner's obscene writing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Worried about partner's obscene writing!
5
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:51am
Hi-

I was hoping to get some user feedback on this concern I'm having with my girlfriend. I might just be being paranoid, and let me explain the reasons for that statement.

1) I was sexually abused as a child and am hyper-sensitive and afraid of anything to do with sex that isn't tender, romantic, safe, and loving.

2) My girlfriend and I had a conversation not very long ago that revealed that we had very different definitions of cheating. I consider anything from heavy flirting or intimate massage to full-on sex as cheating. My definition is that she would be cheating on me if she's doing something with someone that I don't know about it and that I would be upset to know about. She stated that she believed cheating was full-on sex, and even at one point that she wouldn't be extremely upset if I kissed or had oral sex or gave anyone else a hand job. I almost had a nervous breakdown I was so upset by that, but she often says things like that without thinking first, and she later thought long about it and realized that she would be absolutely devastated if anything like that ever happened.

So those are the reasons I might be freaking out about this unduly. But I wanted to ask for feedback anyway.

First, she and I are fairly active in several RPGs (Role-Playing Games at groups.yahoo.com), and a couple of hers are rated NC-17, meaning they allow explicit sexual content. Two of them have long since lost any semblance of plotlines or characterization, and EVERY post now (seriously not exaggerating) is a sex scene. And not only a sex scene, but some are very... I want to say violent, almost sadistic, but that's not exactly right... I would include an excerpt but I'm sure that's against forum policy. :) The scenes just use very graphic, very "coarse" language. Using the F-word to denote sex, with characters very primally having sex with each other, with biting to the point of drawing blood involved sometimes. Very "coarse" (and this is for lack of a better word) words are used to refer to genetalia, and her characters speak to each other very dirtily, almost derogatorily. And I'm just extremely uncomfortable with all of it. Again, I'm the first to admit that my sexual abuse as a child has made me very sensitive to any kind of violence around sex, and also I find words such as the F-word being used in reference to sex as extremely upsetting. She also has some scenes which involve threesomes, which is also upsetting to me, because as I said earlier the only kind of sexual situations I'm fully comfortable with are loving, tender ones.

Any time I come across these messages, I feel almost sick to my stomach with upset. So here's my main question to you. First is, am I justified to be upset by this? Am I justified to wish she wasn't writing these things? Secondly, aside from just being upset, should this worry me? Is a deeper issue here? Because of my abuse issues I have much more "special needs" (so to speak) regarding sex, and jus a generally lower sex drive than her, and this already causes issues in our relationship sometimes. I worry that these scenes are an expression of her sexual frustration with me, or worse that this is her true sexual nature, and reveals the things she wished she could do with me, that I'm too "broken" to do. And if either of those things are true, then I worry that I don't satisfy her sexually, though she has assured me a million times that I do.

But the bottom line is, in your opinion, am I being paranoid, or should I really be worried here? Any help with this would be wonderful, if only to give me an unbiased viewpoint. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 8:01am

i am very sorry for what you went thru as a young person. sexual abuse is something that is devastating and has long-term and lifetime effects on you for the rest of your life...


it looks like you have two separate issues here:


first - your GF and you have different ideas about what is and is not appropriate for people to do while they are in an exclusive relationship. without going into any "judgement" calls here - you have your ideas of what is cheating and she has DIFFERENT ideas. there is no way to "resolve" this - and personally it sounds like she just "backed down" from her first opinion just because you were so upset. BIG RED FLAG. in addition, you are not happy with her choice of "recreation" time on the internet. I am not so sure that this has anyting to do with the fact that you were abused - i think that many people would not be happy with what you are describing here. again - you and she are DIFFERENT - and the question is - is this something you can live with?


second - you feel that your sex life has been affected by what happened to you when you were younger. so the question is - have you ever been to therapy to deal with this? it sounds like you could use some therapy again. something terrible happened to you - but it is continuing to affect your life.


again - i am so sorry for your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 9:45am
You took the words right out of my keyboard ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:59pm

If this worries you then it worries you, you don't need to justify it in anyone else's minds, only yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 5:18pm
of course you're justified. everyone's feelings are justified, right? i think your gf just wants a little fantasy. the things i fantasize about never translate to the bedroom but it doesn't stop me from enjoying real life 100%. i just mean that the things people fantasize about are better left to fantasy. she's just having some fun i think. but at the same time, i worry about the fact that your definitions on cheating are so varied. i can't imagine a woman not minding that her bf was getting oral sex from another woman. she's either just joking or trying to act tough, or you two differ GREATLY. but i think it's the first two...no woman in her right mind would be ok with THAT. hope i helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 7:54am
It is true that as long as you have differing opiniong about what constitutes cheating there will be a problem.

As for RPGs, I am pretty new to them but my dh is a long-time gamer. He says that it has been an on-going debate in the comunity for years whether it is cheating if your character has sex. One of the guys in our group says when he was married his wife's character had sex with another character and he didn't consider it cheating at all. Frankly I think I would feel like it was cheating if I thought there was a chance it might slip over to the players rather than the characters.