worried about a teenager
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worried about a teenager
| Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:45pm |
I'm new to the message board, but I thought I'd ask for some advice. I'm dating a man recently divorced with 1 15 yr.old step daughter that for all sense of the word is his own, and 1 9 yr. old that is his. Lately the 15 yr.old has been making some bad decisions. Sneaking off from the movies with boys, drinking, lying.... Recently I found a note that concerned me while I was cleaning her room. I agree she is old enough to clean her own, but she doesn't. The parents are still making excuses for them- they're going through a difficult time with the divorce. I don't see that, the girls seem happy to me. I think the parents are just feeling guilty. Anyway, the note said stuff that would lead me to believe she is or has been sexually active... I spoke with her since her father was out of town and told her she could talk to me- that I wasn't her mother or even her stepmother and I really didn't have any recourse- I could just give her ADULT ADVICE. And a 24 hour grace period to tell her folks before I did. Then I told her dad, and when he got back in town he found a whole notebook of harsh writing. He spoke to his exwife and tried showing her the notebook but she didn't want to look at it. She said she didn't think she was sexually active (but she didn't read the notebook) and that her daughter was gonna get back on track.... She just needed to stay away from certain friends. Now I understand about falling in with the wrong crowd, but 'the friends' grades have come back up since not hanging out with the daughter (which are steadily falling). when they grounded the daughter for sneaking away from the movies with boys and going to a party and coming back drunk it lasted for about 4 days - which was when she was at the dad's and called her mom to see if it was okay for her DAD to take her and some friends to a restraunt and drop them off for a couple hours. He said she was grounded and the mom said 'I want her to hang out with these kids'. So my boyfriend, the dad feels like he has no sayso, and has ultimately stopped trying. This is driving me nuts. I'm one that believes in 'it takes a village to raise a child'. So for me to keep my mouth shut is IMPOSSIBLE, but I do wait for him to ask my opinion. Then I tell him, and it just gets so frustrating when he still stands by and does nothing. I feel like she (the daughter) is crying out for attention and her mom is burying her head in the sand and her dad (stepdad- real dad is no where around and hasn't been for years)doesn't feel like he has the 'right' to say or do anything unless the mom agrees. And I am younger and never had children of my own so I guess everyone says - you don't know you don't have children. So what should I do? Am I being unreasonable to think that if he is treating the 15 yr. old the same as he is the 9 yr old he should think what he would do if it were the 9 yr old and do the same with the 15. Plus, is it really too much for the girls to grasp at their age that there are rules at BOTH houses and they may not be the same. They don't seem to mind that they have chores at their mom's but not at their dad's.

Kids hate to be told what to do, but they do appreciate boundaries in the long run.
Reading material (especially if he's unwilling to approach ex about counseling):
Teen Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents with Kids 11-19, Tom McMahon
Parents Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line, Jane Bluestein PhD
My best to you, this is not an easy situation.
Carrie