Is this worth saving?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Is this worth saving?
1
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:37am
I am 32, my boyfriend is 25. We have been living together for about a year and 4 months. I knew that before he moved in with me, he had been living with his parents, who basically took care of his every need. I knew it was going to be a challenge living with someone who had never paid a bill or done their own laundry, especially considering that I’ve been on my own since graduating from high school (i.e. more than 14 years!). And of course, I also knew that there was a 7 year age gap between us. But I really did think that these were challenges we could meet. And in the beginning at least, I really do think he was trying. But now… it’s reached the point where I just feel like I’m the “Mom”.

One of the main issues is money. He has never had to budget before, so the minute he gets his paycheque, all he talks about is all the fun stuff he’s going to do and buy. Then I have to remind him about the rent, the phone bill, the hydro bill, etc. – all the other things that we have to pay first before we can think about all that other stuff. Then he pouts and acts like I’m spoiling all his fun. Worse than this though, he constantly complains about how “crappy” our apartment is, how small our TV is, how we don’t have this or that… and it doesn’t seem to matter how many times I sit down with him with a pad and paper and go over everything (“This is how much we’re bringing in, this is how much our expenses are, this is how much we have left over… etc.”)… it’s like he just doesn’t get it, AT ALL. He says he wants to live like he did when he lived with his parents, and I try to point out to him that all the stuff they’ve got is the result of 30 years of working… but a lot of the time now I just get fed up and say, “Fine! Move back in with them!”

If money were the only area where he was behaving like a child it would be one thing… but it’s more like this general attitude that now extends to every area of our life together. He really was not like this in the beginning… but he’s almost defiant about it now. For example, we used to leave for work together at the same time in the morning. But now he doesn’t get out of the bed until I’ve called him like 10 times or more. If I wait for him, then I’m late too. And if I wasn’t there to get him up, I really don’t know if he would even go to work at all. Every time I try to talk to him about it, his attitude is, “So what if I get fired, I don’t care. Leave me alone.”

Last night he was helping me put some groceries away in the cupboard, and he shoved some cans on the top shelf on their sides. I said, “Careful, those could come rolling off the shelf and hit me on the head the next time I open the cupboard.” And he responds, “Good, I hope they do.” and walks off into the other room to watch TV. And I’m just standing there like, “Where did that come from?” It’s like he hates me, like he blames me for the fact that he has to go to work every day and he can’t have all the luxuries he used to… Anyway, at that point I’d had it, we got into an argument, he left to go stay at his parents’ place, I told him not to bother coming back. I just can’t take it anymore. Honestly, I just feel so drained. I feel like I’m putting as much or more energy into managing him as I am into managing my own life. And he hates me for it.

I know I am making him out to be a complete jerk here, but obviously that’s not the whole picture, or I wouldn’t have stayed with him this long. I just feel like something happened somewhere along the way that made him think it was OK to treat me disrespectfully… To be honest, I have lost a lot of respect for him as well over the past little while, and I’m sure he feels that too… I do believe that he is a good person. I just don’t know what to do about this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 2:29pm
The dynamics of a child-parent and adult-adult relationship are very different as you are finding. Counseling could help you stay in an adult role instead of slipping into the parent role. That role usually goes along with codependency issues.... However, you can't do it all on your own. If he's unwilling to go to counseling too it won't work.

Probably the best thing that could happen to him is that he gets his own place for awhile and grows up - learns to balance his checkbook, spend money responsibly and get himself up for work in the morning.

My best to you.


Carrie