Would it be Him? or HIM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2008
Would it be Him? or HIM?
7
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:28pm
My problem is this......I have been married for 5 years now. My husband has just spent 3 of those years in prison for a drug related crime. Before he went to prison he was very mean to me but I loved him very much. Now I have a boyfriend and have had the same one for 2 years now. My husband has always known about him as well as my boyfriend has known about my husband! ( What have I gotten myself into?!?!) I have always told my boyfriend I love my husband (and since he was a mutual friend of my husband and myself he knew that) and I did not want to divorce him while he was in prison or even when he got out for that matter because I was not sure what I wanted. I told my hubby the same thing. My boyfriend just always said, well that is ok I will change your mind before he gets out! Now my boyfriend is absolutely wonderful to me. I have no reason to want to let him go.....EXCEPT... I still love my husband! Now my husband is out of prison and wants to resume our life together. God only knows how much I loved him! He has promised me things will not be the same as before. I really believe him too, jail can do that to a person. My problem is this.....I dont know what to do! My boyfriend knows I have spoken to my husband and that he is out of jail, but my boyfriend won't leave. He loves me and said it is not fair of me to throw him away and go back to my husband. He said if I can give him just one single thing that he has done wrong and tell him that I don't love him and that I love my husband more that he will leave. Well I can't do that! I don't feel that way. But I also feel that I am not being fair to my hubby either! I do have a commitment to him (a long term commitment!). I have told them both that I do not know what I want. I just wish one of them would make it easy on me and just leave me alone but neither one of them will. So what would you do? What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 12:43pm

'I do have a commitment to him (a long term commitment!)'


Commitments don't include boyfriends.


'I just wish one of them would make it easy on me and just leave me alone '


If you are o.k. with one of them leaving you then maybe you should be single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2008
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 1:00pm
Maybe I should have worded it different.....I just don't want to hurt either one of them. I was only saying that I know I am married but I also know that my boyfriend has committed 2 years to me too. I have tried to go on with my life and tried to be fair. I didnt know that I would feel this way by the time my hubby got out of prison.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 2:29pm

You've been unfair to BOTH of these guys. How long did you think your relationship with your boyfriend would last? Until your husband got out of prison? He must have been a complete idiot to start a relationship with you. No offense. It was a really bad mistake on his part.

You COULD have used these three years getting counseling instead of turning to someone else. I still think you should do that. Your definition of "commitment" is totally off-base and you have been making very selfish decisions.

So, in conclusion:
Your husband is wrong for being mean to you and committing a crime
You are wrong for leading another guy on and staying with someone who is bad for you
Your boyfriend is wrong for thinking that you could ever offer him what he wants

How about taking the high road, letting your guy-on-the-side go, and deciding either to commit 100% to your husband, or, if he proves that he really hasn't changed, get a divorce and start living the life you really want.

This isn't a good situation for anyone involved, unfortunately it is a result of several bad decisions from several people. You can turn it around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 4:47pm

Welcome to the board mizattydtude,


Obviously, you need to make a choice. You can not continue to lead both of these guys on.


Plus what a friend this guy was to your husband to start having an affair with you while he was in prison.


My advice would be to take some time away from both guys. Don't have contact with either one of them and listen to what your heart is telling you. If you honestly still can't choose between them, then the only fair thing to do would be to let both of them go.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 4:50pm

Welcome to the board mizattytude,


::Maybe I should have worded it different.....I just don't want to hurt either one of them. I was only saying that I know I am married but I also know that my boyfriend has committed 2 years to me too. I have tried to go on with my life and tried to be fair. I didnt know that I would feel this way by the time my hubby got out of prison.



Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 6:15pm

This is a complicated situation. You say your husband was very mean to you, but you loved him. You also say your boyfriend is wonderful,but you still love your husband. As you are so confused right now, the best thing for you to do would be to go to see a good therapist right away, and try working through your feelings. Perhaps you should live alone for awhile and date both of them to see how you really feel? Even though people want things to be different, unless the person has worked on themselves and changed, old patterns have a way of returning. You feel a committment to your husband, because you are married to him. You also feel a connection to your boyfriend. You need to really be honest with yourself, not only about who you love, but which relationship is truly healthy and uplifting for you. You really need outside professional help in sorting things through.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 8:03am

You are juggling two men.