would you consider this cheating or am i

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
would you consider this cheating or am i
8
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 4:58pm
My boyfriend of 4 years has aways been very affectionate & caring. He has always has a hard time communicating with anyone. he is very private not just with me but with everyone.(family, friends, etc.) I never knew I could love someone so deeply & passionately. I absolutely love his 5 year old son as well. My problem is that one year ago we moved into his parents house (they offered to help us save money to buy a house). Since then we have had more problems in our relationship than ever. Both of us are very emotionally sensitive people. His family is also very judgmental (but they never say what they are thinking to anyone's face). It makes both of us very uncomfortable. I want a home for us so badly that it breaks my heart everyday & I am having a hard time with not feeling like I have a home. I am saving to buy this home by myself because I make much more money than him. he confuses me though. He is a very carefree soul & I am very worrisome. I am very driven & he is very laid back. I think we compliment each other's weaknesses but we have a breakdown in communication. Sometimes I can tell he is not happy because I am not happy living here & I can't get him to talk to me about it. He doesn't know what to do to take the pressure off of me. I feel like I have totally supported our family & I just want him to pitch in. I am very big on communication & I have been pushing him to talk to me but nothing is working. I think I pushed him too far last week. I was telling him that he's relying on me to do everything for what we want in life. I even take care of his son & he should be doing more (either financially or spending more time with us or something). That same night I was at work (I work 2 jobs & I was at my night job). usually he hangs out with friends or something while i am working & I call him when I am done & he meets me at home. Well Saturday I called him on my way home & he said he was just out driving around. When I asked him when he'd be home he said soon just go home. He couldn't give me directions to where he was or tell me when he'd be home. So I got freaked out because I just wanted to see him so bad & it hurt my feelings that he didn't want to come home & see me right away. I followed my instincts to his best friend's ex-girlfriend's house & found his car parked around the back of her apartment building. I was calling his cell phone frantically & he wouldn't answer but I could hear it ringing through the screen door from the back patio at her house. The living room & kitchen lights were on but nobody was in there. The bedroom light was off & the blinds were half open. I rang the doorbell about 500 times before he came to the door. I was so angry I attacked him & busted his nose & just tried to obliterate him for about 20 minutes. He said he doesn't know why he went there he just wanted to hang out & talk to her. I asked him why he wouldn't talk to ME & he said he just couldn't. When I asked him why he parked around back he said he knew I would come over there looking for him. he swears nothing happened than they were in her bedroom talking about his best friend's new girlfriend. when I asked why they were in her bedroom he said the tv in the living room wasn't working. I would never leave him based on that incident but I was very hurt that he lied to me. He says he didn't want to tell me he was going to go hang out with her because it would've got me upset that he wanted to hang out with her & not me. Now I am just wondering if he will always lie to me or tell me what I want to hear thinking I can't handle the truth because I am so sensitive. I am really confused right now & he can't answer any of my questions. he still doesn't talk to me about things that bother him or what happened that night but I feel like he is not being honest. My instincts tell me he is not happy because he doesn't act how he used to with me. he's different. He says he can't be happy if I'm not happy & I can't be happy unless his is happy. It's like a catch 22. He says he just wants to have fun & I worry all the time about getting a house & making money (which I do). Whenever I hangout with him & his best friend they just do childish things (like make farting noises in restaurants & talk about tits & just really uninteresting things). He also works with his best friend & they spend 12-14 hours a day together. His best friend is trying desperately to find love. My honey seems so bored with life. He did tell me because he had his son at 19 he feels he living his backwards. Now that his son doesn't need him as much he's ready to have some fun. So am I but we need money to do that & a place to live first. I don't know how to handle this situation. I feel like if I keep probing I'll push him away again but yet he won't talk & I don't know what he wants. Maybe he doesn't either. Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 5:25pm
Two things that I would ask him are: does he want to have "fun" with me (i.e. what kind of "fun" does he want)? and why is it that he practices selective communication? He doesn't have a problem with communicating, it is just who he is communiting with I guess since he had no problem communicating with the other girl. I would definitely keep my eyes and ears open and for now, don't do so much for him. Let him start doing things for his son and for himself. He's an adult. You shouldn't have to worry about everything. Sit him down and have a serious talk about whether or not he wants a house and how he is going to contribue toward this dream and stick to this. Basically, ask him what he wants in life and how he sees his future and listen to him without interruption. Then, ask questions to clarify. Remember, don't act like his maid or mother or sugarmama. You need to know where you stand and you deserve to know that he will contribute to the household in a way that both of you can agree on. Try to have this talk without his parents there. That's my 2 cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 5:38pm
thanks for your advice & I totally agree. I have tried to get him to tell me in various ways "What do you want out of life, what kind of job would you do if you could do anything, where do you want to be in the future "(any variation you can think of) But he says he can't answer any of those questions. I did ask him if "fun" involved me & he said "Of course it does". I have decided that I will stop taking care of so much & just today I tried to drop off his son at preschool & the lady behind the counter said his son couldn't come back there if she didn't have a check by the end of the day. (He hasn't paid for 3 weeks & I usually pay it for him & then he pays me back). I refuse to pay this time. He can figure out what to do with his son or pay preschool. I reminded him it was past due several times but he gets mad & says I am treating him like a little kid but he still didn't take it upon himself to pay it (then I feel guilty when the nice lady is begging me for a check & I have the money to pay it but don't). Oh well, not my problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 6:00pm
I think you are taking a step in the right direction. His indeciveness, lack of responsibility and immaturity is forcing you to be the Strict Watchkeeper. You don't deserve that and it is NOT your job. It seems to me that he is in a very convenient situation with you - taking advantage of you, having you bail him out every time and taking care of his kid. He needs to grow up and become a responsible parent and partner. Until then, I would refuse to be taken advantage of anymore - and DON'T GIVE IN BECAUSE HE MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY. His problems are really not yours but as a compassionate woman - or "sucker" - you give in to these feelings and do everything for him. Once he realizes you are serious and your actions follow your words, then he may change. Also, I would demand to know what his specific plans are - does he want a house or not? yes or no. When specifically? Next year or the year after. You need concrete answers because you shouldn't live life in uncertainty and have him lead you on. Don't save for a house if you are the only one saving for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 6:16pm
i appreciate your advice & agree with it. However the house issue I think that I would want a house even if i was single. In fact I did want one before I even met him. It is very important to me. I will save for the house regardless of how he feels. I will however enforce the fact that this is relationship, a two way street & he must pitch in in whatever way he is capable. It is partly my fault for taking the reins & saying I will take care of you but everyone makes mistakes & people change. I have goals to meet in my life whether he wants to participate in them or not I will meet them. He says he is just happy being with me & seeing me happy so we'll see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:48pm
I think, if it were me, I'd ask myself what I'm getting out of the relationship versus what I'm putting in. And look at his side of this as well. From the little bits of stuff you've said, it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn't have to worry about anything because you're there to take care of it and because of that, he can go out and be irresponsible and do whatever (and whomever) he wants to.

If you're living together, I'd think about arranging to move out (or have him move out) and make him come to terms with his feelings for you. Make him realize how much smoother his life was while you were in it versus not having you in it.

Don't lose sight of your own dreams and desires.

The relationship I had with my ex was like that. I gave all of myself to the relationship while he did what he wanted (which included screwing around as I found out after we'd already filed for divorce). He was always #1 on his list, while I was probably #2 or #3 on mine (he was #1 on mine). And my anger got physical too (once I actually dented the drywall in the hallway with the side of my hand). Just know that no one should EVER make you feel like that and that you shouldn't give that kind of power away to anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 11:06am
He sounds incredibly immature. Unfortunately, most guys are.

In my relationship, I'm the worrier and my husband is the carefree one, too. I tell him he NEVER worries about anything, he says I worry too much. I take care of everything, all the important stuff. I make sure the bills are paid on time. I make sure our son is fed and taken care of. I send the birthday presents to family members, and I remind him of other important dates. At first, it was terrible. I really resented the fact that I seemed to "taking care" of him. But we've worked through a lot of that. Just through a lot of talking, we've come to understand more clearly how the other person deals with day-to-day stuff. He doesn't worry, because he knows worrying doesn't change anything. I say worrying can also be considered "planning ahead" to prevent things from happening. Anyway, all I can say is that if you can stand it, give him some time. That's what he needs. Time to grow up. Unfortunately, some boys never turn into men.

As far as the other girl....I don't know if he was cheating or not. Regardless, he shouldn't have been there talking about things with her, if he's not willing to talk about them with you. If he doesn't want to talk to you about things, then there's not much of a relationship there. Don't you deserve someone who is willing to open up to you, not just everybody else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:13pm
I think you need to put some serious thought into making a new plan for your life. You have outgrown this man, and you are rapidly losing respect for him. The wonderful romantic part of your love for him will not survive the death of that respect. You may still care, but you won't be in love anymore.

"It seems to me that he is in a very convenient situation with you - taking advantage of you, having you bail him out every time and taking care of his kid. He needs to grow up and become a responsible parent and partner." This is SO true, it bears repeating. And I might add that he also has the convenience of being able to blame and resent you, it's all part of the package. He can take advantage of your income, but ALSO resent that you are not at home licking his boots becuase you are out working your second job. He can tell himself that you are a nag becuase you remind him to pay the daycare, and this gives him an excuse to continue to not pay it, because no Real Man would do something that a woman nagged him to do.

Do you see how this mental game works? Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 10:58pm
All I have to add to what the others have posted is...buy the house on your own. Do not put his name on it unless the two of you are married. I would hate for you to have put all the effort into buying it, only to have the two of you split up, and you lose half of the investment. It is better for you in the long run if it is in your name only.

April