Would you give me a second chance?
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Would you give me a second chance?
| Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:35pm |
Hi everyone! I need some honest advice from you. My ex and I are in the process of reconciling and we are looking at getting back together. Things were going great until this past Friday, when my ex gets a call out of the blue from one of our mutual friends. He refuses to tell me who it was. This "friend" proceeds to tell my ex that 2 summers ago, when we had first started seeing each other, they snooped in my personal e-mails and found and read several e-mails I had sent to the guy I had been seeing previously to my ex. We were broken up completely, but we were still meeting for lunch on occasion, and still e-mailing on occasion. In the e-mails, I had signed them "Love, (my name)". Granted, I didn't love him anymore *that way*, but would always *love* and *care* about him. We had continued to e-mail & see each other once in awhile as friends for the first several months of my new relationship with my ex until I stopped seeing him altogether. This mutual "friend" told my ex all of this. My ex was crushed, because he had asked me if I was still having contact with this guy at the time, and I had lied and said no, not wanting to hurt him because it was nothing more than friendship. I know it was wrong to lie about it, and I apologized profusely to my ex. But I also reminded him that that was 2 summers ago, and a lot of things have changed since then. I NEVER cheated on him, and that e-mail correspondence and friendship was the only thing I had ever concealed from him. My ex tells me now that he doesn't know if he can ever trust me. He says that since I lied to him about that, how does he know whether or not I'm telling the truth about being faithful to him. I really don't know what to do and what to tell him. I love my ex with all my heart and want things to work out for us - how do I prove to him I'm trustworthy?

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you're doing exactly what her bf's doing and it's not logical. you're taking it too far into the "what if's"...
my guess is that if this bf can't get passed it, for whatever his mountainous reasons, then it really wasn't to be.
i don't like how he interrogated her. that's not right to do when the issue is gossip that has yet to be proven... he took that approach immediately. i think he's being holier than thou.
look, she kept talking to the ex. so? the contact still ended and she did it the way *she* needed to, taking the time she needed so she could put it in the past and move on with the nice guy. so what if some contact continued after it was essentially "over"...
she says she emailed but she didn't say what about or what he would say. maybe she was in touch with him in that "we really are ending this relationship" kind of way.
you assume she was carrying on a torrid affair with her ex bf behind the two-month old current boyfriend's back!
if their relationship at the time was based on her not being with her ex, she wasn't. so what's his problem?
he's trying to act like a MAN... he has to "do" something in response to this new development so his "friends" don't think he's a wimp. "Have some sac, man, dump her" -- that's what he's hearing, i'm sure. what he could very well be doing is shooting himself in the foot by messing up/ending/whatever a perfectly good relationship over this.
this is an ego thing. this has nothing to do with lying.
I am not assuming that she had an affair with him, I am taking her at her word that she did not.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Hmm, interesting take on it.
Sorry if I sound bitter, but I just had lunch with my best friend who has been bawling her eyes out for three days because she found out that her boyfriend of forever has been cheating on her with someone from the internet.
Sarah
Everybody seems to be making a big deal about her lying and her not being trustworthy, but nobody seems to have taken the context of her situation into consideration. Come-on people - she was in a new relationship which she obviously wanted to protect whilst feeling some sense of responsibility towards the ex who was going through a bad time. I can imagine not wanting to rock the boat with a new man but feeling a certain sense of obligation to an ex who might have been suffering - can you all honestly be so righteous as to be certain that you wouldn't have done the same?
The fact that the ex is bringing up something that happened two years ago that doesn't involve any kind of cheating seems a bit fishy - perhaps he's looking for a reason to break up? And who's this 'mutual friend', he doesn't sound like he's being a friend to either party - sounds like nothing more than a sh** stirrer to me.
Peace - Pebbles
Edited 12/24/2003 5:04:06 AM ET by pebbles665
I've certainly taken the context of her lie into account, and it doesn't matter to me...a lie is a lie is a lie.
A person of
No relationship can exist without deep trust between the two individuals. Your boyfriend has had a chance to know you for 2 years. If by now, he doesn't trust you, and can get this upset over something that happened two years ago (and there was no cheating involved) - then he has the problem here, not you. You have shown him all of who you are these two years. There is really nothing more you can do to make him come to his senses now. Tell him this. Let him know that perhaps he has a problem trusting. There is nothing you have done during the relationship to warrant this kind of reaction now. Perhaps all along he has felt insecure about you, and there are other issues at play here that need to be examined. It would certainly be worthwile to go to a counsellor with him, or for him to go alone to get clear about his feelings..If he is willing to listen and work on things, then you have a chance. If he isn't, sad as it is, it's better you found this out about him now - before you got married. A person needs to be able to both trust and to forgive little errors that are a natural part of all relationships.
Best wishes.
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