Wrong for reach other? Or just bored?
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| Fri, 02-29-2008 - 5:14pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years, but have known each other since childhood. We have never lived together. We're both in our mid-to-late twenties. He's a great boyfriend. I definitely feel like his first priority, he's very giving and there when I need him, rubs my shoulders all the time (which i love!).
Problem is, we never have much to talk about, I don't feel challenged, motivated or excited by him. I don't find him interesting. We don't have fun or laugh very often. I'm bored. I'm not miserable or unhappy, everything is "fine" and "comfortable" and it's easy to be in the relationship - we never argue. We just go with the flow.
I really don't care if we spend time together. We usually hang out once during the week, and do dinner/movie stuff on the weekend nights. But when we wake up the next morning, we leave and go about our separate days. I mostly just hang out with him because we're supposed to.... you know, since he's my boyfriend and all. I have a nice time when we hang out, but I could take it or leave it.
I used to think it was just because we're both independent, but I wonder if the reason I don't care if I hang out with him is because I just don't want to. I'm no longer interested in sex with him either. It feels good enough physically, but I don't feel much desire for him. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to muster up any passion.
If this were a new relationship, I'd say "we're just not right for each other." But since we've been together for 5 years (and of course it was fabulous for the first 2 years), I wonder if it's just the natural boredom that sets in at this point? We started dating right after I graduated college and I feel like I've grown and flourished, and he's pretty much the same, simple guy he always was. Nothing wrong with that, but maybe we've grown apart?
I do truly love him. I want him to be happy and the thought of leaving him is really scary. I brought up this issue with him a few months ago, and he didn't think we had any problems and said something like "Maybe you'll find what you think you're looking for - but maybe one day you'll look back and realize you didn't have it so bad." That totally struck my insecurity chord, and I backpeddled and we stayed together. I don't want to throw away a good thing for the wrong reasons or because I'm not trying hard enough. But I also don't want to settle for the wrong guy.
How do you know if you've just let yourself get too comfortable/bored - or if you're just not compatible?
Thank you!
Edited 2/29/2008 5:39 pm ET by lizzie08

Going on a wild hunch here, I think you're sensing a real incompatibility rather than the natural settling of new relationship energy. Even after the first blush of romance, you shouldn't be feeling bored or ho hum about spending time with your partner. You should look forward to his presence. If you're right for each other, that is.
F.
Welcome to the board lizzie08,
I agree with freelancemomma that it could be incompatibility issues.
Thanks freelancemomma and itwinflame. I appreciate your advice.
I think you're right that we're not the most compatible people in the world - we really don't have any common interests. We respect the things the other person is passionate about, but don't share any of those passions. We're in sync as far as having kids and religion and whatnot, but I feel like we kind of view the world through different lenses. I'm not even sure what I mean by that exactly, but it doesn't feel like we're really on the same wavelength or that we totally "click," I guess. I'm not sure if we ever have, but I guess I never really minded it before. I don't really know how to trust what I feel. I'm not sure if I'm just talking myself out of a perfectly good relationship that could be fixed by putting in more effort and thinking more positively.
I notice that I feel much more alive and interesting and fun when I'm around other people, but then again, maybe that's just because they're new and exciting, whereas my boyfriend is there all the time. I'm not sure how to make that distinction.
Reading this post brought back memories!