x-posted, curiousity killed the cat

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
x-posted, curiousity killed the cat
9
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 12:45pm
I did a stupid thing, I was looking through my boyfriend's text messages and found a whole bunch from his previous girlfriend. I know I know, my mistake and now I'm fretting over it. They are from when he and I had been dating about 7 months. He hates text messaging so I know that there were phone-calls too. There are messages regularly for about two whole months, like "thanks for coming," "plans for lunch?" "long drive home," innocent stuff, but he never told me about them. We saw her once when we were out in the middle of all the messaging and he acted like they hadn't seen each other since they broke up. I don't think he would ever cheat or anything, but I feel like he was going behind my back to see her. I can't help but worry about why they all of a sudden started talking and meeting for lunch and whatnot and if he ever blew me off for her, or if when I call him and he doesn't get right back to me he was with her. I know it was stupid of me to snoop, but now I don't know what to do. I obviously can't ask him about it because I found out by essentially sneaking around on him. But I can't just drop it because now I need to know. I can't be with someone who lies or keeps secrets from me, or worse would go back to his ex- while with me. I know by going behind his back I too have broken the trust here. now my question is what do I do about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 1:44pm

Welcome to the board mallorymes,


How long have the two of you been together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 1:55pm

Welcome to the board mallorymes,


You said you can't be with someone that lies and keeps secrets, but that is exactly what he is doing. You must to have felt that he had something

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 4:41pm
We've been dating for 9 months. The last text message was from the end of August, so as for that they don't talk that I know of, but I don't know if they e-mail or talk on the phone. I was under the impression before seeing the texts that they didn't talk at all. Not that they wouldn't be civil to each other if they saw each other, I just didn't know they were talking or meeting for lunch or anything. I mean it could be totally innocent, she may have contacted him and asked to see him and they did and they they kept in contact and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to upset me. I can understand that. I admit, I probably would have been upset if I asked him what he did one day and he said oh, I had lunch with my ex-girlfriend. He has a right to his privacy which I violated, but I feel like I have a right to know if he has a relationship, friendly or otherwise with someone. My worry is that it potentially could have been more than lunch and a few text messages. I opened up a huge can of worms here that I wish I had left alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 6:46pm

::but I feel like I have a right to know if he has a relationship, friendly or otherwise with someone.


::I opened up a huge can of worms here that I wish I had left alone.


Unfortunately, you can't have it both ways.....you have to decide if you are going to talk to him, come clean and put

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Tue, 10-16-2007 - 7:46pm
I think I have no choice but to tell him. It's not fair for me to say I want him to disclose everything he does to me if I can't fess up to my mistake. And the only way I can legitimately start a discussion about his current relationship with his ex-girlfriend is by letting him know that I know there is, or at least was one while we were together. I honestly believe that he is not a cheater, but I know that people sometimes do things against their nature. Either way I want him to know that it's not okay to be so secretive about something, innocent or not and the best way for me to do that is to show him that I don't want to keep things from him either. I want a healthy relationship and I am willing to work this one out so long as I am positive it is not a case of cheating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 9:43pm

bump?

any advice? anyone do something stupid like this and get through it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 5:26am

Everyone who has ever done something like this has gotten through it, one way or another. The variables are how volatile the boyfriend is, whether or not he's actually cheating, and how committed the two people are to saving the relationship. There's no way we can make a prediction for you regarding what his reaction is likely to be.

You have made up your mind about how you want to handle the situation, and your plan sounds good. I hope he will be as rational in hearing that you've made this discovery as you are as you approach telling him.

Good luck, and let us know how everything turns out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 2:31pm
I've done something like this and gotten through it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 6:20pm
That is pretty much how I've come to see it. I snooped because something didn't feel right. I am going to tell him that I snooped and what I saw. I am not going to accuse him of anything because for all I know it could be that they just talked and had lunch saw each other or whatever and that is the end of it. I am going to ask him to tell me the truth though in return. Thanks!