The X is still around

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
The X is still around
4
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:28am
When I met my BF just over 2 months ago he told me he had a 3 year old and just got out of a 8 year relationship 3 months ago,I thought it was a little soon but said to myself I wouldn't get to attached so I wouldn't get hurt.Well I am starting to get some feelings for him but there is one problem "the X" she still calls him and not to just talk about there child.It always bothered me because he always talks about her and whats going on in her life and I hear him talking to his friends about her.I don't think there is a day that goes by that he hasn't mentioned her name one way or another and I say let it go and his responce is they have a child together so they have to talk.I have no problems with that but when they sit on the phone together talking about there sex life it hurts.The final straw was last night when I saw her in a store with her daughter,I went over and said hi and she was telling me how her and my BF are going to have a birthday party for her next week and how there going to go shopping together and I was more than welcome to come to this party.She also said well since me and Winston(BF) are seperated I figured we can do this for our child.Sperated??I thought they where over and done with for good,that one word just threw me for a loop.This whole thing is just weird to me,going to her house for a party?being in the same room with his x and him...Just to weird or am I just being to jealous?I said sometime to my BF after that and he said we are just friends and how he doesn't want to lose me.

Do a lot of people saty in touch with there X's and do things together?I don't and maybe that's why I find this whole thing to be a little weird.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:52am
Personally, like you said, he just got out of a relationship. He is still dealing with his separation. They're talking about stuff that most people would talk about during the early part of a mutual separation. That part is all normal. What doesn't seem normal is that he is already involved with another person (yourself) before having dealt with these issues. It sounds like both of them are easy going and relaxed about their arrangement - but it does seem he can't handle being alone (doesn't want to lose you) so he's got you in the wings. (Just a thought - They may have decided it was ok for him to see another woman - they just did have a baby and maybe she's not feeling up to having sex.) Who knows. He might really like you - but it is important to deal with past marriage issues first so he doesn't make the same mistakes again. This is (even if he doesn't think so) a time to see if they want to work at their marriage. If this is a pattern already - he didn't really learn to put past in the past before moving on did he? He hasn't had time to do that yet. My guess is if you keep letting it go - it will never stop. It would be interesting to know how he sees you fitting into his equation this early in the process.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:36pm
I have been dealing with my boyfriend's ex for over a year now. They share 2 children and one 19 year old that has been living with him for the past 4 years since they broke up.

When I first met his ex it was to pick up the 2 children for the summer, a month after I met him. At first she really liked me, but the first morning after waking up from sleeping in her bed, as we drove all night to get there, I awoke, came down the stairs to her brushing my boyfriend's hair. I was shocked, but kept my composure. Her comment to me was that his hair looks really bad in the morning. I thought it weird that she could still feel the need to brush his hair, and she stopped when I entered the room. We chatted for a while, and she asked very weird questions about my astrological sign and commented when she found out my birth date that she didn't "know if the two of us would be compatable". She told me she was happy that he found someone mature and responsible, unlike his last girlfriend who was much closer to her daughter's age. She said she liked me and that she felt good about me being in the picture to be with her kids for the summer. We even hugged when we parted with the kids. I think that benefitted the kids knowing that we liked each other.

It only took a few months for her to change her view of me, as the first time he denied her the use of his house for a family supper (she always stays in his home when visiting the kids, and we move to mine.) she told him that I was putting ideas in his head and that he was different around me. My BF says that it's always worked before, but in my opinion, her staying at the house is like her coming "home". It is a bizarre situation and she has a boyfriend that won't come here to visit, as he is the one she left her husband for. They say they're doing everything to convenience the kids, but what about the feelings of the other one that's involved? I basically live there, to be able to maintain for the children while he has them, but I feel that she'll always be #1 priority. I have had the ongoing issue and main topic of battles is the control the ex still has over him and every aspect of the home. She invades our time with her numerous phone calls and expects everyone to drop what they're doing to convenience her, and they do...as for me, I wait on the sidelines and cry because it is like he's committing adultery emotionally with her, they chat on the phone, and it's only when the kids have finished talking to her that she says "Put Daddy on the phone"...he always answers and she's a talker so I have to twiddle my thumbs and wait for the "conversation" to end. Meanwhile, I'm seething, and can't figure out what "THIS WHOLE SITUATION" is. He says he doesn't love her, that he loves me, but there are no rules or boundaries for her to abide by to protect me from feeling betrayed. It's harrassment as far as I'm concerned, and it's like neither one has severed the ties "For the kids sake"...I have cried for the past year, and nothing has changed. I wish I could have ended it before I got so attached to the kids and him...I can't see it changing, so my advice to you is get out now, before you get hurt like I'm hurting now. My ex and his girlfriend are friends, but we know that we cannot interfere in each other's life, and don't try to control anything in each other's lives. I guess it depends on the individual you're dealing with and the amount of control one has over the other...just beware of heart ache, if you're obviously #2 in his life. Good Luck and choose wisely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:23pm
This guy is no where near being ready for a relationship. There are so many red flags... she still talks to her about their sex life, (if they were really done with each other, that would NOT be a topic open for discussion), talks to his friends about her and her life, etc. They have lots of unresolved issues and they aren't ready for boundaries.

The best thing to do (and the hardest) is to walk away. You can't help him heal faster, be done with her sooner, etc. It has to come from him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 9:32pm
PS This book might have some ideas:

How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind by Robyn Todd


Carrie