young married seeking help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
young married seeking help
3
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 5:44pm
I just looked back over this post: Beware! Long Post!

My husband and I have few problems, but the ones we have, ...

He owns his own security business; he has 15 employees and is constantly looking for new work, so that number could go up any time. He needs to hire a few people now. I understand that he is busy a lot, but...

He is a very sweet man. Earlier today, he called his grandmother just to ask her how she is and to tell her he loves her.!! He calls his mother one or two times a week to ask how she's doing and to tell her he loves her. However, he thinks of little else than the stuff he's doing. If we go to the store and I don't go inside, he'll come back out with only one water, or one drink. He only does "romantic" type stuff when I complain that we don't do anything romantic (our usual "date:" the movies. We've seen almost all the new movies).

I also have to *beg* him to do any type of chore. Taking out the trash was always my dad's job when I was little, and so it's dh's job. That's the only thing I ask him to do, apart from turning his dirty socks right side out and making sure they land in the basket, and not putting wet towels on the tops of doors. He absolutely *refuses* to take out the trash! There's some to be taken out as I type, and he inevitably says that he's too busy. Despite the fact that the dumpster is on the way out of the apt. complex.

On *yet another* topic, our sex life is suffering. He is not the most athletic man (read: at least 100 lbs overweight), but I'm an athletic person. I've gained a lot of weight due to birth control, but I'm working on exercising it off, and I LOVE to do physical things outdoors, etc. Anyway, I know it's terribly shallow, but he doesn't turn me on like he should. He's an attractive man, I love his face, but I look at his stomach, with it's stretch marks, etc., and I just can't convince myself that it's attractive. I've recently said things like, "When are you going to start exercising with me?" and he just says, "I don't know. Sometime." We've talked about it excessively. He's expressed desires to not be fat anymore. Every time I workout he tells me how proud he is of me for working out.

He told me that I needed to cook more (I haven't cooked a lot recently; I used to work at a grocery store and I hated being in them. When his company became profitable, he encouraged me to quit, and I did), and make healthful things, and cut up fruit for him etc., basically that I would be responsible for him losing weight. I didn't know what to say. I know I need to cook healthy food for us, and make him lunch, etc, especially since I don't do anything but go to school, but I can't make him lose weight if he won't get on the treadmill/bike!? I don't know how to express this to him.

He's late all the time. When he goes anywhere, he gets there late. Not fashionably late. LATE.! When I say anything about it, he tells me I'm being negative and I'm nagging him, or that I'm being critical.

and now, I guess, is to ask how NOT to blame so much. how NOT to find fault so much. I've begun to come to terms with this, and I don't quite know how to deal with it. My father was an extremely critical person; he had not a kind word for anyone. Help?!

P.S. Please don't tell me I need therapy; I think a lot of that is a crock.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 6:13pm
Sad that you think counseling is a crock. It gives you a safe place to vent your emotions, deal with stresses in every day life AND gives you tools to help you communicate better, which helps the blame game.

I think part of the problem is expectation. You expect him to treat you with the same kindness he shows his mother and grandmother (normal feeling by the way) but if he feels you are always critical or that he can't do enough to please you, then he's not going to treat you the same way.

The getting a drink for himself at the store could be that he's just self-focused or you didn't ask for one so he didn't think of it (he's not a mind reader) or he's not use to thinking like a 'couple' vs. thinking single.

How long have you been married? Was he heavy when you met him?

Since counseling is out, would you read:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - In Love, Richard Carlson PhD and Kristine Carlson

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 7:31pm
I don't necessarily think it's ALL a crock, but I had some counseling in high school, and I didn't really feel comfortable with the woman I was "assigned." So, I didn't really get the full *counseling experience*. and I was 15? then. I wasn't too excited about expelling all my worldly feelings to this woman I don't know who's looking at me like she pities me. kinda soured me from the whole thing.

*blushing* I know he can't read my mind; I guess I just expect him to think that I might want something from the store. Or even ask, "Hey baby, want anything?" I guess I expect too much...but that's not a bad thing ALL the time, is it?

We've been together 5 years, married 3 years June 4. And he was heavy then, but he's gained about 50 lbs since, and...*sigh* He actually was trying to lose weight when we first got together. Evidently he was somewhat successful, but only b/c he was starving himself. So I came on the scene, and fed him, and he gained weight. Get happy, get fat, evidently.

I bought a book about sex, and how to tell your spouse you love them in they way that THEY want to be told (I like for him to DO things for me, and he likes to be assured verbally --apart from sex--) and he was SO not interested in exploring it with me.

Part of the reason I'm upset at the moment is that he likes to do EVERYthing in his own time. Paying the apt. rent, for example. he hasn't paid it for the month of march, and now april is due. I need a tag for my car, so I can have my car to drive, and he's holding out on that. We don't have any furniture --which I can actually live without, I suppose, with the exception of a bureau for the bedroom, which we also don't have. We don't even have mattresses. We have a tv, dvd, directv, though. We have a "dining table" and 2 folding chairs. We live in an apt in the "expensive" part of town in a county that has a lot of rich business' in it (dh picked it out) and we don't have a bed. UM, pardon me for complaining, but there's something wrong. I'm filling out the fafsa for school, and the amount of money he said he made last year, we could have bought all this stuff by now.

I don't really expect much. I just want a bed and a way to get around. I can handle sitting on the floor when I'm lounging around the house. When I first moved in with him, our rent was HALF of what he got paid a month, and I made almost no money at my dept store job. we ate a lot of stuffing and soup & rice, hamburger helper. So, yeah, for what it's worth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:12am

I think that therapy WOULD help you but "therapy" is not a magic word. in order for therapy to work, YOU have to be willing to do the work. and yes, there is a question of "chemistry" with the therapist. if there is not chemistry then it is hard to make it work. sometimes you just have to "shop around" until you find the right therapist - just like you would if you would be looking for a new doctor, hairdresser, etc