Looking For Another Option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2009
Looking For Another Option?
7
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 8:12pm

Hi everyone.

I've always known that I'm bisexual but lately I've been thinking a little more in depth in things & need some advice. My boyfriend & I have been together for 5 years, he knows how I feel about women. We've joked in the past about threesomes and come close to actually going to that level but never did. Recently we've been going up & down with some problems in our relationship & recently I've been feeling like I might be losing my attraction to him as a romantic partner. We've always had a great sex life & I've always been happy with it, but in the last few months I've been wavering. I'm not sure if the problems we've had are just making me back away from our relationship or what, but I also know that I've been thinking about being with a woman and wondering if I would be happier that way. I dont know if it's just because I'm growing unsatisfied or if I'm just unhappy, I just know that lately I've been fantasizing more about women than men. It's very complicated right now because me & him live together & have a long history. I've talked about my desires to get married, because I'm 26 & I'm starting to want some stability, but he admitted recently that he's not sure he wants to do that. Again, I'm just very confused.

I know that I want stability now & that I'm unhappy for some reason in our relationship. Me & him have so much in common & like I said, we've been together for 5 years now, so it's a lot more complicated than back when we first started dating. If something would happen & I wanted to leave, it would be really difficult to do that (which I know it's supposed to be).I've considered bringing this up to him but I don't know how, especially because we get along well & for the most part, have a good relationship. I'm starting to wonder though if I'm growing less attracted to him because as I said, I don't seem to have the desire I used to. But when I think about being with a woman, I get excited. But I don't know if I'm just not happy with my relationship so something different like being in a lesbian relationship seems enticing, simpy because it's not where I am now.

Can anyone relate??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2009
Fri, 12-02-2011 - 8:15pm

I forgot to mention also, that you might notice if you look through my previous posts in the forum, I've been concerned with getting pregnant in the past. We had thought about it, but then things got unstable & we realized we were not only unprepared for it but not in the right place financially. I do have a desire to have a child, which is growing even more strong in me since I'm getting older.

Can you see how confused I am?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2011
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:43am

Why have you not gone through with a threesome? Maybe you should go through with it and let that help you decide. If you feel more into the woman than with your BF maybe it is time to move on. You may just need to satisfy that urge to see if it's just because it's been so long for you being with a woman. Give it a try. It doesn't sound like it could hurt. In some ways it may be good for your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2009
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:54am

I think the biggest issues is that I'm feeling some loss of sexual attraction to my BF. It's not so much that I don't have a sex drive, I do. It's that I know my own body very well & am able to fulfill my needs by myself, which I do often! We've gone through some issues with sex, I've tried to show him what makes me feel good but it always seems it's too much of a hassle to him to go through the motions. I don't have any orgasm's through sex alone. When I've been with a woman, it felt more natural, I suppose probably because as a woman, I know what feels good and vice versa since we know our own bodies.

A big part of what's going on too I think is some detachment. As I said we've been together for almost 5 years now, and we've lived together for two. Our schedules are completely opposite one another now, we barely see each other. I know I'm craving having that close bond like we used to when it comes to that stuff, maybe we've just gotten lazy? It seems like he doesn't feel like he wants to make the effort, maybe it's because I don't ask for it. I dont think at the moment in our relationship that it would be okay to do the threesome...i don't know where we'd find another girl. There are girls I feel close with but I honestly wouldn't want to share them! As crazy as that may seem. Plus, I'm not sure (even though we've talked about it before) how I would feel seeing him with another woman. It's all very foreign territory for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2011
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 6:50pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2009
Mon, 12-05-2011 - 9:46pm

Thank you for your response. I am very confused, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. As I said I enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but feel like our connection outside the bedroom is wavering which may be causing my disconnection from him, or lack of desire to initiate sex. He's usually the one anymore who initiates it, which I know bothers him a little, but for some reason it's just happening lately. As I said in my earlier post, I've been having trouble believing in the last month or so that I am happy with him as a long-term idea. I'm moving into a huge stage in my life where I'm looking for a long term commitment whether that be marriage or what.

As far as the emotional connection thing, yes. It would def. be stronger than sex. In fact, I think even though I have the desire for sex with another woman, the emotional connection part is what really drives it anyway. I feel like I connect more with them, more so than friends would, and that I enjoy that closeness. That is what LEADS me to the sex part. I mean I'm def. attracted to women and find them very sexy, but the emotional thing is there too. I believe I could develop romance/love, in fact I feel like I have already with a few women. I have been hurt in a way with a girl I used to be extremely close with. Me & her did everything together, we were inseperable. We fooled around a little, even though we both had boyfriends that were also friends. A few nights when we were drinking together, we would just make-out or be extremely touchy with each other. I felt closer to her than anyone else.

Then after she broke up with her boyfriend, she wanted me to leave mine & travel away with her. When I didn't, she got upset & left me high and dry. I think she was very upset with me but I didn't know what to do. I haven't talked to her since really, except a few words in passing to say hi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2011
Thu, 12-15-2011 - 12:49pm

It sounds like he is not a good lover.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 2:49pm
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