Strong feelings for my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Strong feelings for my best friend
9
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 12:49pm
My thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I hope that writing some of it down and getting some replies might help me to think things through.

I'm female, 37, currently single, more straight than bi but I do have feelings for women although I have never done anything about this.

My best friend of about 8 years is female, happily married, 47, straight. I have previously confided in her that I have had 'confusing' feelings about women and she said that while she couldn't relate to what I was saying she would always try to understand and would be supportive. I have never felt attracted to her sexually, although we are ver close and loving in other ways. She holds me and hugs me if I'm upset and vice versa. I think it's fair to say that we feel safe with each other.

About three weeks ago my best friend told me that another female friend had come on to her at a party. She said that she enjoyed kissing this other woman and was confused about her feelings because she'd always thought of herself as a hundred per cent straight.

I calmed her down and told her a lot of the stuff she told me years ago, namely that sexuality can be fluid, and we can be attracted to people regardless of gender, etc. I was concerned about her feeling confused and upset and wanted to help calm her down, which I think I did to some degree.

However, over the last forgnight or so I'm not happy with myself and the way I've been feeling. M y best friend has always been straight to me, but suddenly this other woman makes a move on her and she doesn't mind?!

I'm ashamed to say that I feel jealous. Jealous of the other woman. She's MY friend! If she wants to kiss another woman, why didn't she kiss me?

Because we've always had a tacit understanding that we are friends and no more?
Because she doesn't fancy me?

I feel like a sulky teenager.

I love my friend desperately, have always had very strong protective feelings for her. She's lovely. She's been there for me, day and night, when nobody, not even my own family, has been. Now that I know that she is attracted to women, I'm confused.

I've been thinking about kissing her (not about actually initiating, just how nice it would be) and holding her close in bed, possibly doing more. We often share a bed when we're together but there's never been any more to it.

I know that she's not going to do anything about this other woman for various reasons (which i'm glad about from a selfish point of view but also because I would kill anyone who hurt her, and inevitably it would end in hurt I think).

My friend and I don't see a lot of each other on weekdays/nights due to demaninding jobs but we do spend about two weekends a month together. Now that I know she 'likes' girls, should I do anything? I'd be terrified to initiate anything myself, but I wonder if while under the influence she would be open to the idea?

I feel madly jealous of the other woman who kissed her. I want to know how that feels. The other woman can't possibly feel so strongly for her as I do.

I don't feel the same jealousy for her husband because he has always been part of the equation.

Part of me wonders if I am being insulting to her - never fancying her until this other woman kisses her, and suddenly she's on my mind all the time. I saw her last night (as part of a group of friends, we go out to dinner once a month or so) and we held hands for a while under the guise of me saying 'oh you feel cold, let me heat you'. There was nothing awkward (there never is) but part of me wished she would just pull away and not want to be touched by me so that I would KNOW.

I know that nothing I said or did would ever endanger our friendship - it runs too deep. I love her deeply and I know that she feels the same about me. I know that there would never be a long-term romantic relationship but I can't stop these feelings for her - wanting to kiss her, possibly sleep with her.

I don't know how much of this is borne from jealousy or my own deep feelings for my lovely friend.

HELP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 10:28pm
you definitely shouldn't beat yourself up for what you feel.your going through something a LOT of women,by their own admission, go through regardless of sexual orientation. some of them will probably chiming in their responses to your post soon.i think it would be a good,positive thing if something happened between you and your friend.good luck and godspeed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 7:24am

Hi Lucie,


This will be no help beyond that you realise other people have similar lusts, even though the circumstances are slightly different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 01-05-2008 - 6:47pm

Thanks for you reply, Brian. With a little distance - which is what I've been trying to create, emotionally - I'm not sure that it's such a great thing that anything should happen between me and my friend.


I think that a little thinking has led me to realise that what we have got is great, has always been great, and were it not for this situation with the other woman, I would never have questioned things or thought that I wanted anything more sexually from her. We have always been very close, emotionally and physically, with real affection. That's not something either of us has with anyone else. It's something to be treasured.


When I get my head more around this, I'll think on more.


Ricky, thanks too for your reply. I'm not sure, though, that you and I are in at all similar situations. I see you've posted the same previously about your friend, so I hope that you get the feedback you were originally looking for. My friend is someone I'm already very close to and have known for a number of years. She's not someone I would ordinarily fantisise about. She's just my friend, who I love very dearly, and that love supercedes any silly feelings of jealousy I've had recently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2007
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 1:49pm

Hi lucie-loo2008,
You might get together with your friend over some dinner and drinks someplace you both feel comfortable, in front of a nice fire would be good. After your both loosened up just talk about all this with her. She sounds like someone that you trust implicitly and who would be non-judgmental about your feelings. If she is curious about this side of her sexuality I think you should be the one she should explore it with. Your a long time friend and would have her best interests at heart and not hurt her...

In her place I would be wishing you would get me a little drunk and show me what its all about. She may very well have the same fears about hurting your current relationship as you do. I would think about these fears a bit and consider putting them aside because they are actually paralyzing you. Your anxiety could be getting in the way of a blissful life experience that you both would enjoy. In any case talking about it over a few glasses of wine will at least help you find out which way the wind blows.

It's ok that you feel jealous, and realize that your friend most likely was not the one who kissed the other woman but the other woman who kissed her. This other woman was the aggressive one so she got the prize, "sounds tacky put that way but I think it's true."

Take a chance and talk with your friend. Get her a little tipsy and give her a kiss and see how she responds. You know if you don't your going to kick yourself forever.

Good Luck
-=ad0be=-

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 6:37pm

Super hot topic here people!!! I've been married to my dh for almost ten years. We're very close! I've never been with a woman in one way or another, BUT, I have always dreamed, and wonder what it would be like to kiss a beautiful woman, or more. I imagine, it's got to be the most amazing experiance EVER. I makes me hot just thinking about it!!!


Why do you guys think, happily married women,(such as myself) fantisise about other women??? What is it about them???


I would love to experiance the touch, and taste of a woman , by going down on her. And to suck on her beautiful breast.


So what does anythink about this??? Let me know your thoughts.


~Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2007
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 5:54pm

It's very common for men and women to wonder what it's like to take a walk on the wild side.
Having done it myself all I can say is if you don't try it you will will be missing a lot.

-=ad0be=-

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2006
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 3:47pm

Some of this fantasizing has come about because the media puts it full frontal in our face on the tv, movies, whatever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 3:39pm

Hi lucie,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Wed, 01-30-2008 - 12:44am

Thanks for getting back to me everyone. I loved hearing your thoughts about this subject. I'm really glad my husband is cool with this. it would really suck to have him apposed to the idea.


I don't know who,or when, my first bi sexual experiance might take place, but I can hardly wait. It makes me sooooo wet, just thinking about being with another girl. Ohhh, I wish it could happen right now. Ymmmmmm!!! lol, sorry I got a little caught up in the moment. lol!!


Thanks again!!


~love, Sarah