boyfriend won't go down??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2009
boyfriend won't go down??
30
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 10:39pm

Hi everyone,


I'd appreciate your advice. I'm a 25-year-old in my first sexual relationship (raised in an extremely strict religious community). I've known my boyfriend for 2 years and we have been dating for about three months. We're very compatible and I have been enjoying the relationship so far. Since this is my first sexual relationship, however, I'm not sure what I should expect. I enjoy giving him oral, but he has avoided giving it to me. I told him that I would like for him to try, but he said that he tried it once with another girl he was with and hated the way it tasted/smelled. I would like to experience this, and it concerns me that he is unwilling to do it. He is giving and considerate in all other areas of our relationship, so I'm not sure if it's just my inexperience that's making me wonder if his refusal to give is some kind of warning sign. Does his refusal to go down indicate disinterest/lack of caring for me or some inequality in the relationship? How should I talk to him so that he will be more willing to do this for me?


Thanks so much!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2008
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 9:48am

This is a tricky one and I would guess if he won't 'go down,' it does not mean he doesn't care about you or love you; it may genuinely be something he is absolutely terrified of, and/or really dislikes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 1:59pm

Welcome to the Oral Board nickgrad :)


It's great you spoke to your boyfriend and discussed how he felt about giving oral.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2005
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 5:41pm
Honey, I'll be more than happy to give you your first tongue lashing.....I can tell you for sure that no 2 people taste, smell or like the same thing. D/W and I Love Oral, but on some days we just can't go there till shower time. Take one together, hand him the POOF and let him wash your body, than return the favor. Sit on the side of the tub, and have sex. Like they say good clean fun.......And sometimes it can lead to the nasty stuff...........Have Fun and enjoy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 08-29-2009 - 6:22am

As some other posters suggested, I would talk to him again,


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2005
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 10:26pm

Hi Nickgrad


I had the same problem. I was with my bf for 4 years and I would almost always go down on him but he wouldn't return the favor. He gave the same excuses and I eventually stopped asking and just dealt with it. At the beginning of this year, I broke up with him for other reasons and we have since been talking and discussing getting back together but very slowly. Right before we broke up I think he could sense things going bad and he wanted to go down on me and I said no thanks. Since the breakup we have had sex about 5 times and he begged me to let him go down on me so I thought why not?? Now I can't seem to get him to stop, he absolutely loves it almost more than regular sex. LOL... It's so enjoyable and I'm just mad that I went 4 years without it!!!


Like the other posters said, take a shower together so he sees that you are freshly cleaned maybe he'll return the favor and actually might love doing it. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 12:44pm

Welcome to the

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2009
Mon, 10-26-2009 - 6:26pm
Same. I'm 36, new lover is 45, and although he is a voracious consumer of bjs he will not go down on me. He's just terrific in every other way. It is not a big deal, but I am shaved and quite attractive and I believe totally presentable. But he will not do it, period. It seems like a double standard; I really don't know. I've never been with a guy who wouldn't, and I've never been with a guy who was so into getting bjs. Go figure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 10:06am

I do see his point in that it gets messy/wet between the salivia and her juices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 11:33am

Here are my two cents. My wife and I are the only sexual partners for each other, same reasons as you state. We decided to wait until marriage to have intercourse-well, we slipped up once before the I do's but then got a pregnancy scare and didn't do it again until the wedding night. Anyhow, before marriage, we made out hot and heavy and every so often we would give oral. I always loved giving oral to her, even if she didn't smell great-the smell was a turnon to me and giving to her really seemed to get her off as well. She has never shaved herself bare or even close, but she has trimmed. I don't want her bare because that looks to much like a little girl to me. But, trimming is NICE because less hairs in your mouth-I would suggest you do this first-trim as close as you possibly can, this assuming you have not done so yet. The suggestion of taking a shower together, great idea as well. There is no doubt the smell is the best after a shower so do that certainly. I would also suggest doing a 69 with him. Meaning, when you are giving him head, swing your legs over and sit on his face-assuming he loves getting bj's and he gets extra horny when you give them, he will probably start giving you a little oral if he can concentrate on it. If he can't, stop giving him head for a minute and maybe then he will concentrate on you.


I will say, the fact he doesn't want to give is a cause for concern. My wife DID give me oral when we dated and even early on in our marriage-not a ton but enough to keep me happy. But, she always complained about the precum, never did it longer than 2-3 minutes strictly as foreplay before finishing me with her hand prior to marriage and intercourse after marriage. Now, after nearly 18 years of marriage, she has not given me oral in over 2 years. She clearly does not like giving oral at all.


I guess my point is, take my advice and others on ways to get him to try and give you oral. IF he continues to refuse, or if he gives once but then is reluctant to give again, take that as a sign. Likely he is not going to grow into a man that loves to give oral. Some men I guess just don't like giving, and there are a lot of women, wife included, that seem to hate giving to their man. It could be that he gives to you, enjoys what it does to you and it turns him on and he ends up loving to do it. I truly believe GIVING oral sex is more of a love it, gotta do it or hate it hope I never have to do it again.


After you find out what camp your BF falls into, you can then make a decision-is he worth keeping, knowing he will not give or rarely will, or should you start over and find a man that will give. Is it a deal breaker for you or not-only you can decide. Just be prepared, if he is like my wife, and you can tell he doesn't like doing it, there is a chance that at any given time he will just stop doing it completely. I am surprised my wife now refuses to give but certainly not shocked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Tue, 10-27-2009 - 2:38pm
What a shame!

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