3" penis, need advice before swapping

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
3" penis, need advice before swapping
8
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:45pm
My wife and I are young and active at 60, still in love and have always had great sex, until a year ago. I previously had erection problems and eventually had penis injections to be erect. At first (10 years ago)the erections were fine and always trying to be better, I boosted the dose and got a great erection (for a small guy), normally 5 1/2 inches and resonably thick, became 6", heavier and harder than ever. She was so excited and talked about what a gigantic hard I had and we had great wild sex, until she finally got on top and broke it! Really, it poped and hurt and developed into Peyrones disease over time and curved as well as lost length and girth. Sex fell off to once a week or maybe once a month. I found out it had been fractured when I was being treated, and it was permanet without surgery. So I got a deluxe penile implant. I thought I was getting the Michael Jordan model but Igor picked out the Michael Jackson model and now I have a 3", less than thick penis. I have been very unhappy and my wife even told the Dr I was 1/2 normal size. Nothing could be done and nothing was going on in bed either for some several months. We resumed making love 6 months ago after a hospital visit with depression for me, have increased the sex to 3 or 4 or5 times a week, with loud orgasmic reactions. I would like to believe they were real, but I have serious doubts. As she reacted to a fuller penis, as she did the night she broke it, it ended the notion "size doesn't matter." But the loving still goes on and I have become more intent on pleasing her orally. The Ky and Eros lubrication is no longer needed as she has become very wet Must be doing something right(thanks to my finding and following ivillage advice).
Sorry so long so here's my delima. To give her the chance for real satisfaction I have offered "getting help" from a couple of close friends,(she declined saying "what if I fall in love with him?"). I recently brought up joining a swingers club. I could also play with her and her chosen friend, or watch or maybe same room swap. My main point would have to be oral as I can't believe I could be a canidate for more in a club with the available selection. I would be open to the option. Jealously for me would not be a problem. I come home every night because I want to not because I'm married, I expect the same from her. Here's the delima . How will she react to a "real" penis? Will she no longer find me sexually appealing? Loose her "grip" on my stub as she has 6" or 8" or
more penis experience, and younger men? Can this be her outlook? How about swap or not suggestions? She says she isn't interested, but hasn't investigated "the lifestyle".
We have not had sev with others before, talked about it but never happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 11:58pm

I think that you should forget about it. She says that she is not interested. It's more likely to be your insecurities fuelling the desire to investigate the "lifestyle" and there is a WHOLE lot more to it than it being about a large penis.

No doubt you've talked to her before about this so I suggest that you talk to her again. The loud orgasmic reactions that you think are fake *may* be a result of your newly discovered oral prowess. Who knows? It sounds like you definitely don't and you're about to start making some pretty major decisions about your relationship based on what you *think* she might or should be feeling. Don't you think that it's better if you find out from her what she really wants?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:36am

I'm really sorry you've had all these physical problems. I'm sure your wife is too. But I really think the problem is yours, not hers. You doubt she's having pleasure, even though she's never complained...at least you didn't say she has.

You're being a typical man.....and you think that your penis equals your manhood, or your maleness, or your woman's pleasure, and none of those is true. YOU are the one that wants all this extramarital stuff, not her. She's told you she's not interested!

If a woman loves a man, she won't care if his penis falls off.....and particularly if he pleasures her in other ways, which you're doing. It sounds like she's fine with the situation, and if you persist in pushing these crazy ideas on her.....you're going to open a can of worms that you will regret opening.

It sounds like she doesn't want another man or men, and she's happy with you. Now you just have to learn to be happy with yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 6:22am

Personally I support the lifestyle and advocate it where appropriate. However I must say in this circumstance you are getting into for the wrong reasons and you are playing with disaster. Swinging should be an outgrowth of a stable and loving relationship in which both members of the couple equally want to expand their sexual experiences.

In this circumstance it sounds as though you are looking to swining as a way to fix a perceived defect in the relationship. From experience you will be bringing other relationship issues to the surface and these issues will most likely destroy the relationship that you have with your wife. Plus those in the lifestyle do not like drama and prefer not to be with couples that are having issues. Believe it or not people do pick up on those things and bringing issues to the lifestyle will make your search much harder.

My recommendation to you would be to discuss this with you wife. Take time to build a more supportive and caring relationship with her. After you have invested the time in the relationship and it has become more stable decide if swinging is something you still want to do. If so talk to her about it and see where it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 9:34am
Thanks for the quick response. I take your points of discussion with a positive attitude.
It's impossible to give much background to a message board but there are more details. For sure I'm the one with the problem to make a change. But in my defense, aren't men in general, concerned about their partner, responcible for plotting direction to stay "on course"? After 36 years of marriage, you have to give me some credit for knowing my wife and what works and what doesn't. Also I feel she does enjoy herself with me, but I'm sure her "rides" are about clit/pubic bone contact, not 3" stubs. Also she doesn't have the same "orgasmic" reaction during oral sex or for that matter sex prior to my implant surgery. Further she has many times told me "I really love sex" after we have finished "intense love making" and move into holding and "togetherness". I'm not a complete "dummy, thoughtless male". Nor am I any genuis. Neither of us is after a new partner long term. But I would like some path "adjustment" and I sense she would too. I'm not about pushing her into swapping or anything else, if we change it will be an agreed change. The reason to post this here is to get "unbiased female input" on how she will react to the change. It may end up this subject will only be "spice" for our bedroom fantasies. Just like "sleep talking" calling her other female names or "when will your husband be home?" I don't ever want sex to become "dull or "mandatory". I really do love this woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 11:57am

You are NOT a woman, and you will never understand a woman's sexual response until you get rid of the idea that it's all based on YOUR penis.

I don't hear that your wife is complaining! I hear you wanting to fix something that's NOT broken. Are you aware that 80% of women do not have orgasms from intercourse? You are "assuming" that she's not enjoying the "ride" because it's clitoral stimulation. There is nothing WRONG with clitoral stimulation, it's NOT second choice! For most women it's the FIRST choice!

She told you she "loves sex". Intercourse is only one part of sex, and she's getting all the other parts, and she's NOT complaining. You are the one complaining, because of a perceived idea that women need a large penis to enjoy sex.....and sure, there are a few that do, or think they do. It doesn't sound like your wife is unhappy, so stop pushing her to do what she doesn't want to do.....because YOU think she should. How about letting her decide what makes her happy! She's told you that she doesn't need another man, or a larger penis to make her happy....why not try believing her?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 1:33pm
Why are YOU deciding what SHE needs to be happy? Why don't you allow her to decide that for herself? She's a grown woman and what she needs is for her husband to respect her wishes and words. Don't make assumptions about her reactions, etc. in bed, believe what she tells you and stop trying to fix what isn't broken OR you could find yourself without a wife.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 1:38pm

I agree with dakine.

YOU shouldn't be trying to fix a sexual "problem" for your wife. This is YOUR problem, not hers.

She seems fine with what she has, since she isn't complaining and has told you how she feels about your brilliant swapping suggestion.

Perhaps you still have lots to learn, at 60, about female sexuality & biology. Female pleasure does NOT revolve around an erection....trust me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 7:25pm

I have to agree with the women.

>>but I'm sure her "rides" are about clit/pubic bone contact, not 3" stubs.<<

Welcome to the real world. Clit/pubic bone contact is a big thing for most women. Yeah, a big penis can help them "fill up" but the contact, not the filling up, is the thing that creates the orgasms. So this part of the perceived "big problem" may not actually be a problem at all.

>>Also she doesn't have the same "orgasmic" reaction during oral sex <<

Well, she ain't as young as she used to be either. Your attitude towards her and about sex has changed too. These things could be affecting the sex just as much as any physical stimulation issues.

The macho "take charge", "I know what she wants" attitude is fine. Plenty of relationships work like that. But you did ask for input and we're telling you that you should ask, listen to, and then believe your wife.