For 7 mnths he can't get erection

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
For 7 mnths he can't get erection
8
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:08pm
Hi. I really need some advice. I'm dating a very kind, warm, caring, smart and wonerful man. OK, we all say that I know! Anyway, I met him 4 months after an engagement ended that I had with a man I was very much in love with. I've been in counseling to help get over the ended engagement. Since then though, I have been with this great guy. We've taken everything very slow. But as a result, we've built a very strong emotional bond and friendship with one another. He really has allowed me to trust men again after the ex left and ended my engagement. We've said we loved each other after dating about 3 months. We are having a very difficult time being intimate with one another. He can't get an erection with me. He can only get one on his own. So, I know he's healthy and has no problem masturbating, but he just can't do it with me. He loves me dearly and has already started talking about getting married to me. He is very attracted to me and wants to have sex with me, but obviously without an erection, sex is impossible. I've tried to get him excited and I'm unsuccessful. He got a prescription drug to help, but won't take it because it is embarrassing for him. He's very frustrated by this, and I'm very sad, confused and frustrated also. He just started seeing a therapist for this problem. I am growing more and more impatient on this subject. I love him so much, but I know we have to, and want to, get to this intimate level before we ever even think about marriage. I'm at a loss. It's to the point now, that I'm less and less attracted to him. Help???
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:29pm
Hi Kali:

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:32pm

Wow! I can imagine how frustrating it must be! I think that he is doing the right thing - seeing the therapist. Hopefully that will help him to sort out whatever it is that's in his head to prevent him from getting an erection and, with fingers crossed, you will see results soon! In reality I guess that it will probably take weeks, if not a few months before he gets results. In the meantime, hopefully you can wait a little bit longer before making any decisions.

Can he give you oral and manual sex in the meantime? Can he take care of your basic needs and give you an orgasm in the meantime? You said that you've been intimate so I guess that he has been. If not, he should be. :-)

Try staying positive. Seeing the therapist is a step in the right direction and all going well it won't be too much longer before the two of you can acheive intercourse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:51pm
Hey thanks for your understanding. I really appreciate it. He's given me manual pleasure, which is nice, but again, it doesn't even give him an erection, which is disappointing to me. We haven't tried oral yet, it kind of grosses me out on a flacid penis, you know? He's not been doing much anymore to please me, I think because he knows that he won't get any pleasure himself. It really hurts my feelings. Anyway, what I forgot to mention is that he hadn't been in a relationship for 8 years before me. He had 3 girlfriends in his past, all of which he had sex with. But for the past 8 years, he hasn't found someone he's interested in. He also has put on some weight since the other girls, so maybe that's it, maybe he's not confident of himself. My therapist recommended a "sex night" for this Saturday night. He agreed to it. But frankly, I don't even know what that means with him. He said he would wear silk boxers and wanted me to wear silk too. Not a problem, I think that's great. But I'm not even excited about it, in fact, I'm kind of turned off by it. I want so badly for this to happen for us, but we are both frustrated by it. My ex-fiance was great at making me comfortable with myself and with sex, and as a result, we had a wonderful sex life. I miss him for that, but I certainly don't miss all the pain he caused me when he left. My new guy supports me in all the right ways emotionally, the things the ex couldn't do, but unfortunately, the new guy can't support me intimately right now...anyway. He was raised pretty conservative. I know he's embarrassed, just wish I could help him get more comfortable. Thanks for all your great advice, if you had any more, I'd love it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:59pm
Great idea, in fact he suggested it. But nothing, it didn't work. I've offered to have him start his own masturbation, and then I can manully help. He said ok to that, but he just never seems up for it when we go to bed. The thing I forgot to mention in my previous email was that he hasn't been in a relationship for 8 years. Prior to that, he had 3 girlfriends, and had sex with all of them with no problem. He says it's just that it's been so long, and he's not sure he's going to be able to let someone else give him pleasure besides himself. I want this to happen for us so badly, but now I'm so uncomfortable about it too. My ex-fiance had a way of making me very comfortable with my sexuality, and as a result we had a great sex life, unforunately he could not support me emotionally and had many issues from his own childhood that he has never dealt with, and as a result, left me. My new guy is very stable emotionally, very smart, comes from a wonderful family and really does adore me. He means the world to me, but we just can't seem to cross this bridge. Any other ideas to help us get more comfortable with one another???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:11pm

If I were him, I'd want to please you as much as I was able to. OK, so I'm deathly embarrassed that I can't seem to get an erection but if the therapist has suggested a "sex night" then, by gosh, have a sex night!

I think that he is getting into the spirit of things by suggesting silk, so why not do it with the aim to get some pleasure out of it? He and his therapist are taking care of him, so why don't you take care of yourself? Get the candles out, wear the silk, shave the legs, and spend some time with him kissing and caressing one another before he goes down on YOU! If he wants oral sex, by all means try it, but in the meantime, let him give you a work out! I'd feel free to tell him that too - tell him that you can go down on him if he wants but you'd love for him to go down on you.

The only way that you are going to get comfortable and less embarrassing with the situation is to accept that he's got problems and to talk about the things that you CAN do. It might be embarrassing asking him to go down on you and talking about oral sex, but it can't be any more embarrassing for you than the embarrassment that he already feels! And look at the upside of it if he does go down on you and you enjoy it! BOTH of you will be feeling much better because something was enjoyable in the bedroom! He'll be pleased that he can pleasure you and you'll be pleased because you had a great time.

So go have fun on Saturday night. Be open and honest and do what you can do to work around his problem! ;-)

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anonymous user
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 5:31pm
I don't know how you feel about porn (my bf and I enjoy it once in while), but maybe you could watch a porn movie together, and if he gets an erection watching it then you could have sex. I was going to suggest him starting manually to get aroused and then start intercourse, but you said you tried that already. This is all I can think of right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 9:21pm

Like previous poster suggested, *if* you're okay with porn, maybe give that a try. Soft porn would probably better than the hardcore stuff. Using porn doesn't mean that he finds others more attractive than you, it's just a good stimulator to see or hear other people having sex.

Have you ever played with his penis when he's asleep? Does he get an erection from your touch? Maybe try that and if he does get an erection, continue to manually or orally stimulate him until he wakes up, then try intercourse, or have intercourse in his sleep.. I'm sure he won't mind.

Maybe try roleplay?

Most importantly.. is he sexually attracted women? I know this sounds silly, but there is a slight slight possibility that he is a gay man in denial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:08pm
I think it is too bad that you think that performing oral on a flaccid penis is 'gross'. Once, when I was having difficulty getting an erection, the lady I was with took my limp penis in her mouth and began gently sucking on it. In a very short time I was fully erect and we were able to have intercourse. To this day, it was the most loving, and erotic, thing that a woman has ever done to/for me. You really should consider giving it a try. You may be surprised at the results.