Acting Boyfriend-ish

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Acting Boyfriend-ish
39
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:09am

Wow there are a lot of FWB cases on the board now!!!

Mine took a weird turn this last weekend...and I am so confused right now. (Not that I wasn't before, but....?)

M called Sat night @ 12 am - after nothing for 2 weeks. Granted, I called him once and texted him a couple of times during those 14 days, but heard nothing from him. He apologized, saying he'd been busy at work, and working 3rd shift is killing him...blah blah blah. (I actually do know he has been busy at work - my dad works for the same company and M's department is always behind.) I was at a bday party for a friend - a guy - when he called. I told him where I was and that I would be there in 45 to 60 minutes (it's a 30 min drive). He called 1/2 hr later wanting to know where I was...He expected me to drop everything and run to him. I left the party and drove to his place - where he was asleep on the couch. When he came too, he gave me the 3rd degree about where I was... who I was with...if I'd ever slept with the bday guy...if I'd slept with anyone else in those 2 weeks...did he know anyone I was out with...

We made out on the couch for awhile - just kissing, which has never happened before. He kept telling me how happy he was that I came, that I was there, that I was with him... (All talk to keep me coming back - I hear ya!) We had sex, though it wasn't as mind-blowing as prev sessions, it was still great.

Afterwards, he was expecting a friend to come over, so I quickly got dressed and ready to leave - knowing how paranoid he is about people finding out about us. He wanted to know why I was in such a hurry to leave, if I was mad at him, if he had done something wrong. I told him I thought it was what he wanted. He hugged and kissed me before I walked out the door - also something that he's never done before.

And it all just feels weird!!! I had finally resolved myself to him being nothing but a sex toy for me to enjoy whenever he wants (LOL) but I saw and felt things that didn't feel like a strictly sexual relationship.

Or am I just imagining things???

Blessings -

Liz

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:32am

I guess it depends on what YOU think is "boyfriend-ish". Expecting you to leave what you're doing because for the first time in two weeks, he wants you to come running for him? Being jealous? Wanting to know who you've slept with? Hiding you from his friends so that you have to leave when someone else is expected?

Yes, you're just imagining things. That's called "wishful thinking"! Can't imagine why though......but if you consider these things as something a "boyfriend" would do.....you need to reassess what you want in a boyfriend. It all sounds pretty selfish and demanding to me.....including the hug and kiss when you left. Just a new trick to keep you coming back for more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:45am

Yeah - that's what I thought.

Maybe I do need to reassess what I want in a boyfriend.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 1:21am

Hon, that isn't "BF behavior," that's plain old selfish behavior, IMO. And IF a BF treated me that way, he'd be kicked to the curb.

He doesn't want any of his friends to know that he has sex with you but wants YOU to account for your time? Why? I think you need to accept that this is nothing but a convenience for him, nothing more. And as long as you are at his beck and call, that's how he'll continue to view it.

Don't be tempted to romanticize his behavior in your mind to reconcile his disinterest at other times. IF you're going to be a booty call, then accept it for what it is.

And work on your self esteem...you DO deserve better than this! And that's JMHO.




Edited 7/27/2005 1:23 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 7:33am

As all the others, I think that you are seeing more than there is. After two weeks without sex, I would do the same with my FWB!!!
Sometimes I ask him about whether or not he is having sex with other women, but I make it clear that my only concern is about my sexual health and that's why I am asking him about. So, don't try to fantasize about his behavior.
On the other hand, I don't know whether or not he is being an a****e with you. It is obvious that the only thing that keeps you together is sex, so why would you find offensive if he only calls you when he is in need or does not want to introduce you to his friends?.

The most important thing about a FWB is to have very clear in your mind that this is not a normal relationship, it is only physical.
Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:22pm

Know what? You're right. You all are right.

No matter how many times I post on these boards looking for some kind of advice (and not all about the same thing!) - I get the same response. It's not only advice that I get - but there are is a lot of negative energy and negative 'opinions' on this board.

As for myself self-esteem, I AM getting better - I AM trying very hard to work on it, and do not need to be constantly reminded that I have a problem with it.

It's so unfortunate for me that I can only find men who need a little work - not perfect men like some of you have found...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:48pm
Sorry everyone - it's just been a very lousy day...and just frustrated with life right now.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:53pm

Smithten, you asked for honest feedback, and that's what you got.

I believe in saying exactly what I think or what would be the point in wasting my or your time?

I happen to think that your situation is a lose-lose arrangement but you're right...miracles can happen but in this particular case, I would be very surprised if one did. Not the way you've described it anyway.

And IF you know that you're attracting men who need a "little work" as you call it, then why not look at men you normally wouldn't go for?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 6:55pm

Smithten, I truly believe that you deserve better than you're getting. Truly!

So, please don't be offended by a little motherly scolding. I don't mean to be rude or hurtful though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 11:10pm

Not speaking to him right now. Not that we ever really talked anyways...I work 1st shift, he works 3rd - most of our conversations outside the bedroom consist of text and voice mail messages.

The other night I texted him and asked him what was up Saturday night because I thought he acted strange...then thinking he might take it the wrong way, I left a voice message last night saying that it wasn't strange in a bad way...

So this morning he leaves a message on my phone saying that he really doesn't remember what we did Saturday night, that he was pretty drunk, and that everything was 'cool'. He doesn't remember? Instantly p****d me off.

I sent him a couple of text messages - I was at work and couldn't talk. The first one said that I knew he'd been drinking, but didn't know he was 2 drunk to remember anything - and that I guess I would hear from him the next time he was drunk and horny. The second one said that I didn't want to stop sleeping with him (because I really don't), but for him to please leave the L-word out of sex.

Guess now all I can do is wait for his response...IF he responds.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 9:59pm

>>he really doesn't remember what we did Saturday night, that he was pretty drunk, and that everything was 'cool'. <<

Well, that if nothing else has just confirmed the status of the relationship for you. He's clearly feining ignorance and using the opportunity to reinforce his opinion that it is just sex and nothingelse. He does remember, but he's got the funny feeling that your messages were hinting towards more. I think that he definitely knows that you'd be interested in more.

>>please leave the L-word out of sex.<<
If you wanted more, or hoped for more, then you have just shot yourself in the foot. With those messages you've just confirmed what he wants to hear. So if you want to discuss anything more developing then you've just made it much more difficult. After all, he can turn around and say "Hey, you were the one talking about leaving love out of it the other day".

That may be what you want - sex only - but I gather that you'd prefer a real relationship.

Remember how you said that you get a negative vibe around here? That probably because you could be handling the relationships better than you are. You yourself admit that your confidence and self-esteem could be better. Until they are better and you are handling things better, no-one can say "Hey, good job! You handled that well!". That's probaby why it seems negative.

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