Acting Boyfriend-ish

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Acting Boyfriend-ish
39
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 12:09am

Wow there are a lot of FWB cases on the board now!!!

Mine took a weird turn this last weekend...and I am so confused right now. (Not that I wasn't before, but....?)

M called Sat night @ 12 am - after nothing for 2 weeks. Granted, I called him once and texted him a couple of times during those 14 days, but heard nothing from him. He apologized, saying he'd been busy at work, and working 3rd shift is killing him...blah blah blah. (I actually do know he has been busy at work - my dad works for the same company and M's department is always behind.) I was at a bday party for a friend - a guy - when he called. I told him where I was and that I would be there in 45 to 60 minutes (it's a 30 min drive). He called 1/2 hr later wanting to know where I was...He expected me to drop everything and run to him. I left the party and drove to his place - where he was asleep on the couch. When he came too, he gave me the 3rd degree about where I was... who I was with...if I'd ever slept with the bday guy...if I'd slept with anyone else in those 2 weeks...did he know anyone I was out with...

We made out on the couch for awhile - just kissing, which has never happened before. He kept telling me how happy he was that I came, that I was there, that I was with him... (All talk to keep me coming back - I hear ya!) We had sex, though it wasn't as mind-blowing as prev sessions, it was still great.

Afterwards, he was expecting a friend to come over, so I quickly got dressed and ready to leave - knowing how paranoid he is about people finding out about us. He wanted to know why I was in such a hurry to leave, if I was mad at him, if he had done something wrong. I told him I thought it was what he wanted. He hugged and kissed me before I walked out the door - also something that he's never done before.

And it all just feels weird!!! I had finally resolved myself to him being nothing but a sex toy for me to enjoy whenever he wants (LOL) but I saw and felt things that didn't feel like a strictly sexual relationship.

Or am I just imagining things???

Blessings -

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 11:46pm

A couple years ago when we first hooked up I did want more - and that is what drove us apart. I was in a horrid and abusive relationship with another guy at the time and craved the attention I was getting from him - even though it, too, was negative. And he happened to have another FWB besides me...and that just complicated it all even more.

I told him to leave the L-word out of the sex because there is no love. Let me explain what happened: He has a big pregnancy fantasy - he said he wished he could get me pregnant to show everyone our love...and to be honest, it was all I could do to keep from laughing. I wanted to tell him I was just there for the sex.

It was wrong of me to tell him that - because if he truly doesn't remember (which I think he does, but...) he probably thinks I'm crazy.

I don't know what I want from this. I've crushed on him forever - but can live without him. I have resolved to myself that this is a sex-only relationship. The only problem is that I can't get him out of my head.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 1:06am

One great way to "get him out of your head" is to get him out of your bed! Don't ya think? Cold turkey and move on.

I think from the conflicting statements that you regularly make, regarding this guy, you need to spend more time convincing yourself, instead of everyone else, that you're only in it for the sex. Clearly, from your last statement, you are not.




Edited 8/1/2005 1:37 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:17pm

I conflict because I am human.

I am afraid to talk to him about what is going on - because I think I already know the answer.

I am afraid to admit to myself that I am in love with him - but he will only reject me if I let him know that.

I am afraid to admit to myself that he only wants me for sex - so I try to convince myself that I can do a sex-only fling.

But I can admit to myself that he is the best sex I've ever had - and that I don't want to stop.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:58pm
Aren't you concerned about not being open to finding the right guy because you're hung up on the wrong guy? If you feel the sex is worth it, though, then it is...for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:30pm

Right now...no, not real concerned about it.

I'm tired of looking for the right one, only to think that I've found him and have him turn out to be the wrong one.

Evidently our lifestyles just aren't meshing, are they?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 12:07am

The problem with all the reasons you listed is that you're "afraid". Afraid to talk to him, afraid to scare him away, afraid to look for someone else because you've been looking and haven't found anything better. So, you're "settling".....and you're staying in a lose-lose situation.

It's the best sex you've ever had, so you don't want to give it up? It might be GOOD sex, but I doubt it's the "best" you'll ever have.......because if you can find the right person, it will be much better.....it always is if you add "feelings" to the mixture.

In time, he'll probably move on, and you'll lose it anyway......better to be the one in control, and move on of your own accord, not because you're being pushed away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:10am

So leave him before he leaves me?
Before he hurts me?
Before I waste my time and lose Mr Right?

That's the vibe I've gotten from everyone.

All I wanted to do was have no-pressure sex with a guy and I feel like I'm doing something that society views as wrong. Might as well revert back to my younger years and go have many one-night stands with different men rather than continuing to have sex with the same man over and over.

Guess this is all my own fault - I asked for advice and got it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:45am

I don't think that anyone here thinks you're doing something "wrong", except in the sense that you're not putting yourself first, and you're chosing the "easy" way. Easy meaning no pressure, no anything.......just sex. That's fine if that's what you want, but you've said that's NOT what you want....but you'll settle for it.

It's not a question of right or wrong, it's what's BEST for you. "Settling" is never best! And as long as you stay in this relationship, which is one sided at best, you'll never even look for a better one.

If push comes to shove, this is better than a lot of one night stands....but it's still not GOOD!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:52am

Hey, hey!

Don't go doin' that!

You're making it sound like we're ragging on you again.

Re-read the last 1/2 dozen posts that you made. You're flip-flopping between wanting a relationship with the guy to saying that you only want sex. And then you talk about it being your fault because you asked for advice.

>>because I think I already know the answer.
>>I am afraid to admit to myself that I am in love with him -
>>but he will only reject me if I let him know that.
>>I am afraid to admit to myself that he only wants me for sex -
>>so I try to convince myself that I can do a sex-only fling.

I think that you DO know the answer. Your heart is telling you that you want more, but you KNOW that he isn't interested in a relationship. Yeah, the sex is great, but I think that you know that the same sort of sex with an emotional connection would be simply awesome. You're not going to get that emotional connection with this guy. He's made it about as clear as a person can make it. It's sex only.

I think that you should bite the bullet and cut off contact with him and give yourself a chance to meet another guy. Someone that you CAN have a relationship with. I mean, like, one day this other guy WILL dump you if you don't dump him first. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in 6 months, but eventually he WILL dump you.

Yeah, if it's just sex you want, you're doing fine and you DON'T need advice from us because you are in a PERFECT sex only relationship. But you're getting upset about the advice that we are giving you because you KNOW that you're not happy and that we're right.

Please don't shoot the messenger.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 10:39am

Too bad you can't turn some of this disdain and anger toward the person who's causing all your pain and confusion to begin with!

Maybe he WOULD respect you if you stood up for yourself and refused to drop everything when he calls.

And this arrangement works for HIM because he can get serviced, on demand and then insist that you're out of his house quickly before his friends come over. And you think that's okay because..........?

However, IF you choose to be in an arrangement like this, it's your business but you can't expect everyone to agree that it's a good thing.

Good sex or not, if it leaves you feeling used and abandoned, then it's not quite so good, is it?