Advice columnist response: your thoughts
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| Sat, 08-20-2005 - 8:02am |
Years ago, I read one of the advice columnists (don't remember which one). A woman had written in that ever since she put on considerable weight, her husband had lost his sexual desire for her. Part of the columnist's answer was that a spouse, M or F, should have desire for their partner, no matter what changes in physical appearance as long as they still love their partner. Any other response was dismissed as being shallow.
What if someone likes large men or women, as some do? If the spouse loses weight for health reasons, is the partner shallow if they lose sexual attraction? What if someone has a bad accident and ends up terribly scarred or disabled?
I don't agree with the columnist. A person may still love their spouse, but maybe more as a good friend. Sexual desire can diminish, even in a good marriage. What do you think?

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I agree with the columnist. Of course, we are initially attracted to whatever it is we are attracted to! A man falls in love with a woman who has a gorgeous body...that body attracted him in the first place. They get married, they have children, and 15-20 years later, the woman has put on 50 pounds. If that man hasn't learned to love the WOMAN as opposed to her body in all those years, then shame on him. Now she's heavier, he's supposed to think of her as a "friend"?
A woman is attracted to a man with beautiful golden blond curly hair. They fall in love, and get married. 15-20 years later, he's bald on top. She should now just think of him as a "friend"?
A woman is attracted to a biker. They go out on the bike often.....go to rallys, etc. They fall in love and get married. Biker guy gets in an accident, and he's paralyzed from the waist down, and will live the rest of his life in a wheel chair. She should dump him, and find someone who can live the same exciting life style?
If you CARE about someone.....if you love them for who they are, then any physical change shouldn't have any effect on your feelings for the PERSON. Granted, among these examples....the weight change CAN be fixed in most cases.....the other problems can't.
If a person's body changes, if their health diminishes......are you saying that it's ok for the other person to just move on because they're no longer "attracted"? If that's the case, then they were not in love with a person, but with an image. If, after a 10 or 15 year marriage (or relationship) the only thing that made it a good relationship was physical or sexual attraction, then it wasn't much of a relationship anyway.
If that was the case, if I was the fat wife, or the bald husband, I'd be glad to see the back of them!
I also agree with the columnist.
In my original post, I never suggested "moving on". I also made it clear that you can still love the other person. My use of the word "friend" was probably an unfortunate choice, however.
Everyone has an idea of what they consider sexy. Does this just vanish? My standards have changed over the years, as I and potential partners grow older and don't have the beauty of youth. I'm not 25 anymore (I'm 55) and my body has changed. I now find women attractive that I wouldn't have 30 years ago, so I'm not asking for perfection. If, however, someone views certain physical characteristics as not sexy, does that preference just go away? What I'm referring to are certain extreme situations, and I'm talking about sexual desire, not love. They're related, but they are different things.
There is a difference between being in love with a person, and finding them sexy. If my DW went from 5'2, 120 pounds to 5'2, 300 pounds, I would still love her, but I would probably not find her sexy. This topic has showed up on several of the IVillage message boards and the OP gets a variety of responses. In some cases where the OP was male, he was chastised for not finding his DW attractive, when he was asking how to encourage her to make a change to both improve her health and her sexuality. In other cases where the OP was female, the response was different. How can a response to a problem between a man and a woman in a marriage depend on the sex of the one who seeks advice.
Now if my DW were to put on a lot of weight, I would hope that we could figure out why she decided to add the weight (she is conscious of her weight, but not overweight). Counseling might be necessary. If she were to suddenly decide to make her self unsexy (a real trick, because she is extremely conservative in her dress and attitudes) by wearing unsexy, unflattering clothing, and refusing my sexual advances, again I would hope that through counseling we could figure out why her attitudes changed. I know that I am not in the same shape I was in 14 years ago when we married, but I too am conscious of my appearance and hope that I can continue to be attractive and desireable to my DW.
CH
I know you didn't say *move on*, I did.
I completely disagree with the columnist. There is a huge difference between loving someone & being committed to them, and having a sexual desire for them. Sexual desire is not something we can always control.
For instance, the obvious issue would be with weight. But there are a lot of other issues where people can lose sexual desire. If a partner changes other things, they can lose sexual desire. Examples - burping and farting in front of your partner; not showering; change of religion; not helping around the house or with the kids; using swear words or being mean.
We can control whether or not we still love someone (to an extent), but sexual desire is usually something that we cannot control. I know that there are times when my DW will take out her work frustrations on me. During those times, I have NO sexual desire for her, but I still love her.
I don't agree with the columnist.
There is no doubt in my mind that I would be substantially less attracted to my partner if she put on 100 pounds. And that would in turn affect my love for her.
If she was in an accident and was horribly scarred. I might not be as physically attracted to her, and in some ways it would affect my love for her but probably not as much as if it was the weight-related issue.
It seems that things like personal habits and weight gain - things that are seen as voluntary and reversable changes - are more likely to affect your love for a person than accidental or irreversable changes.
I don't think that you can automatically say "Your SO becomes unattractive, do you love her less?" though. Different situations have different results and affect how you love someone differently.
I agree with the columnist as well. IF you TRULY love another person, then you love them as they are, at the moment. You might wish that they would lose weight, or deal with other physical flaws which developed after the relationship began, but you still love them.
After a certain amount of time together, sex becomes less about the physical and more about the emotional bond anyway. When I look at my DH, he still looks like the guy I married more than 28 yrs. ago. and he says the same about me. You grow old together and your love and attraction matures. Or it should.
Edited 8/23/2005 10:57 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
If the question is, if you love someone, shouldnt you still be sexually attracted even if physically they have become unattrctive?
What about the reverse? If you stop being sexual with me, does that mean you dont love me anymore?
MEN often, and sometimes women, find themselves in the position of dealing with a spouse's loss of libido, whether through pregnancy, health changes like menopause, or just a life that gets too hectic. But its never right to judge the commitment of your partners love based on simply the sex. Some people can have their sexual libido disappear into the unknown, and still feel completely in LOVE with their partner.
Its equally unfair then to judge a partner who loses some of his sexual attraction
because of his partners appearance as a betrayal of their Love. Love certainly plays a part in turning a reasonably attractive date into the person you desire above all others. But if your partner has managed, whether through self neglect or a terrible accident, to change physically to the point where he/she is no longer attractive, its no simpler nor a matter of will for he/she to continue to have sex than it is for the menopausal woman.
Some of us can find the commitment and joy in giving pleasure to our partner such an aphrodisiac that its actually a turn on to show your attraction even when your partner is disgusted with herself... But my wife even after 6 months of no sex and postpartum depression, and appologizing and explaining the whole time, could simply not face sexuality. It was a growing time for me, to accept without truely understanding that my wife couldnt just take 10 mins to give a "massage" intimately that would have meant the world to me.... I still dont quite get it, but she said that unlike me, who would have gotten an incredible thrill out of doing something for her even if I hated it.. for her, going against her feelings would have been a hugh negative, almost like being raped.
People are complicated animals, and the columnist's answer an example of incredible oversimplification and naievity. Much of how we are "wired" is from life experience that is not easily overcome. What if the husband were raised by his two elderly spinister obese aunts, and he was FORCED throughout his youth to help them change their Depends, bathe, and dress. And he woke one morning to discover his wife reminded him a lot of those aunts? It would take a lot of a SPIRITUAL nature to overcome the animal revulsion and still feel sexual.
And shouldn't a spouse do their best to BE attractive to their partner? You could just as well claim that the spouse who put on 100 lbs was the one who didnt love enough anymore to care how they looked.
This question probably originated with someone actually going through this experince, and the advice I offer is to first and always believe in each others LOVE, and then look elsewhere for your answers. As soon as one of you starts believing or accusing the other of not loving anymore, your best ally in the search for answers is alienated...
This is pretty much how I feel. If becoming unattractive was not a choice (accident etc.) I would have a lot more sympathy than if they simply chose to let themselves get fat.
I also think that it's short sighted of the columnist to look at weight gain as a problem on it's own. For a person to shift from caring about their appearance to letting themselves go would take an extreme shift of personality.
For example, part of what attracted me to my DH was that he enjoys being physically active and enjoys taking care of himself. If he lost those traits, not only would he become fat and unattractive, but he'd be a different person as well. And certainly not similar to the man I fell in love with. So, it's not only physical changes that we're dealing with here.
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