Advice columnist response: your thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Advice columnist response: your thoughts
16
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 8:02am

Years ago, I read one of the advice columnists (don't remember which one). A woman had written in that ever since she put on considerable weight, her husband had lost his sexual desire for her. Part of the columnist's answer was that a spouse, M or F, should have desire for their partner, no matter what changes in physical appearance as long as they still love their partner. Any other response was dismissed as being shallow.

What if someone likes large men or women, as some do? If the spouse loses weight for health reasons, is the partner shallow if they lose sexual attraction? What if someone has a bad accident and ends up terribly scarred or disabled?

I don't agree with the columnist. A person may still love their spouse, but maybe more as a good friend. Sexual desire can diminish, even in a good marriage. What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:44pm

"What if someone likes large men or women, as some do? If the spouse loses weight for health reasons, is the partner shallow if they lose sexual attraction?"

My cousin met his wife when he was around 300lbs(he was in his late twenties). They married and had three children. About seven years ago, he reached almost 500lb and was given a year to live(he had a leg infection that wouldn't clear up). Luckily gastro-bypass surgery was just made available. He had the surgery six years ago and is now 225lbs. I saw them only last week and they are happy and still in love. She didn't lose sexual attraction for him just because he's thin now.

What if someone has a bad accident and ends up terribly scarred or disabled?

Look at Christopher Reeve's wife. As I understand it, they still had some type of sex. He certainly looked different than his viral, handsome "old" self.

Honestly, do you think that some people are actually sexually attracted to fat or is it that they just don't see "the body" as an important factor in sexual attraction? I wonder about that. I think that some people just don't view the body as the holy grail of sexual arousal, period and some do. And those who do will disagree with the column and those who don't won't. DH was 65lbs heavier for many years. Grant it, he's large boned so he was still very toned, but he grew a gut and lost his chiseled jawline. I was still very attracted sexually to him. I believe that if he had gained a VERY substantial amount of weight, that I would still feel the same way, because it's not his body obviously that sexually turns me on...it goes deeper than that. He's lost most of it in the last three years and I don't feel any MORE turned on sexually by him, so again, I don't think it matters.

If you think about it really, aren't we all somewhat to some extent doing what the column suggests? Are all of your partners in perfect shape? Do they have the ideal six pack abs, tight tone body, perfect weight, perky breasts, tight testicles, etc, etc? I think that we all still find them perfectly sexy even though they're not perfect sexually. tee hee

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:07pm

I agree Rain. The body is just the vehicle that carries the person around in life. Yes, the exterior is what draws our attention initially, but if true love develops from that spark, then the vehicle itself becomes less important over time. I think you either love a person enough to forgive them for not staying perfect (or more precisely, what you fell in love with) or you don't. Because let's face it, none of us will remain as we were, I don't care how much surgery you plan to have either.

And Dana Reeve was the first example I thought of, as well. Thank goodness for Christopher that they had that kind of love.




Edited 8/23/2005 3:16 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:21pm
I disagree. My DH and I have a great relatonship overall but we're VERY different people who can rub one another the wrong way occasionally. Even in those situations, when I DON'T want to be attracted to him, I still will be if he makes a move. I think that chemical response to someone is either there or it's not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:59pm
....I mean, let's face it....DH found me sexually attractive during both pregnancies even in the ninth month... tee hee --the least I could have done for him was to return the favor. ;-)
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 4:31pm

I know where you're coming from and you'll like my story:

I'm 39, been with my wife for 11 years.

Around the time I met my wife, I persued skinny women and nothing but. However, I fell in love with my wife who was then around a size 11, not big but certainly not skinny. In the 11 years since, she's gone from a size 11 to a size 26. My taste have also changed, I no longer really find skinny women attractive and find myself attracted to and lusting for larger women.

My wife and I have a great relationship and an even better sex life.

I think my sexual desires have stayed in tune with my marriage and the happiness i find in it.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 5:50pm
So agree. There's more to attraction than just the physical.

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